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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Saturday Morning Live Is A Comedic Masterpiece!

There are ulterior motives hidden behind many of the articles you read in today’s media. For example, if Time magazine runs a glowing review of a movie being released on Warner Bros., the revenue generated by the article’s influence goes to Time-Warner, Inc.—which in turn uses the money to produce more issues of Time magazine.

Though many feel this is an unethical system, we at The Onion both respect and honor it. We honestly believe everyone should attend the spectacular play Saturday Morning Live, which pays tribute to the hilarious cartoons of our childhood. There are countless reasons to attend this fine show, which, incidentally, is being underwritten by The Onion, Inc., and the local modern rock radio station, WMAD.

Performed by graduates of Chicago’s famous Second City, Saturday Morning Live pays tribute to 1970s children’s programming like Scooby Doo, The Superfriends, Hong Kong Phooey and Fat Albert. Complementing these sketches are renditions of old commercials as well as ABC’s Schoolhouse Rock classics like “Interplanet Janet,” “Conjunction Junction” and “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here.” Kitschy and hilarious, Saturday Morning Live is an ideal means of reliving fabulous childhood memories—and a great way to unwind before finals!

Underwriting local entertainment events such as Saturday Morning Live provides a vital supplement to the revenue The Onion generates through advertising, subscriptions and our child labor force. Without underwriting, we could not have opened the Onion Children’s Hospice, which has provided refuge to hundreds of Onion laborers suffering in the final throes of black lung disease.

Know this: Saturday Morning Live, performed by the Win One Ensemble, will be playing at Madison’s Old Music Hall (925 Bascom Hall) on Friday, Dec. 10, and Saturday, Dec. 11, at 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. Cost is a paltry $7.50 for students and $9.50 for non-students, and tickets are available at the Memorial Union Box Office, The Den and Capitol Centre Foods. They can also be charged by phone at 256-1372.

Also know this: First thing Sunday morning, Onion Operatives will begin knocking on doors and checking for ticket stubs.

If you think The Onion will stop at simply suggesting that you cooperate, you are dead wrong. Citizens of Madison foolish enough to not attend the hilarious comedy Saturday Morning Live will be subject to beatings, torture and imprisonment. In accordance with The Onion’s contract with the City of Madison, particularly uncooperative perpetrators will be rounded up and gassed.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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