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Saturday Morning Live Is A Comedic Masterpiece!

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Saturday Morning Live Is A Comedic Masterpiece!

There are ulterior motives hidden behind many of the articles you read in today’s media. For example, if Time magazine runs a glowing review of a movie being released on Warner Bros., the revenue generated by the article’s influence goes to Time-Warner, Inc.—which in turn uses the money to produce more issues of Time magazine.

Though many feel this is an unethical system, we at The Onion both respect and honor it. We honestly believe everyone should attend the spectacular play Saturday Morning Live, which pays tribute to the hilarious cartoons of our childhood. There are countless reasons to attend this fine show, which, incidentally, is being underwritten by The Onion, Inc., and the local modern rock radio station, WMAD.

Performed by graduates of Chicago’s famous Second City, Saturday Morning Live pays tribute to 1970s children’s programming like Scooby Doo, The Superfriends, Hong Kong Phooey and Fat Albert. Complementing these sketches are renditions of old commercials as well as ABC’s Schoolhouse Rock classics like “Interplanet Janet,” “Conjunction Junction” and “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here.” Kitschy and hilarious, Saturday Morning Live is an ideal means of reliving fabulous childhood memories—and a great way to unwind before finals!

Underwriting local entertainment events such as Saturday Morning Live provides a vital supplement to the revenue The Onion generates through advertising, subscriptions and our child labor force. Without underwriting, we could not have opened the Onion Children’s Hospice, which has provided refuge to hundreds of Onion laborers suffering in the final throes of black lung disease.

Know this: Saturday Morning Live, performed by the Win One Ensemble, will be playing at Madison’s Old Music Hall (925 Bascom Hall) on Friday, Dec. 10, and Saturday, Dec. 11, at 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. Cost is a paltry $7.50 for students and $9.50 for non-students, and tickets are available at the Memorial Union Box Office, The Den and Capitol Centre Foods. They can also be charged by phone at 256-1372.

Also know this: First thing Sunday morning, Onion Operatives will begin knocking on doors and checking for ticket stubs.

If you think The Onion will stop at simply suggesting that you cooperate, you are dead wrong. Citizens of Madison foolish enough to not attend the hilarious comedy Saturday Morning Live will be subject to beatings, torture and imprisonment. In accordance with The Onion’s contract with the City of Madison, particularly uncooperative perpetrators will be rounded up and gassed.

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