Saturday Morning Live Is A Comedic Masterpiece!

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Vol 24 Issue 16

Drunk Of The Week

Alcohol is EVIL! Congratulations to The Onion’sDRUNK of the WEEKMITCH MELUMMitch earned his place among Madison’s most honored drunks by head-butting an innocent Onion Operative.

Cultural Idiocy Quiz

DIRECTIONS: Name the magazine in which these features appear:1. “Picks & Pans”2. “Humor In Uniform”3.

Sonic Booms

Out of Sight, Out of MindMDID(Scat)First, MDID is a one-man band that’s been recording since 1985.

Professor To Publish Book

Professor Theodore L. Chaptman, a well-known professor at the university, announced that he will be publishing a book.The book, on the same subject that he teaches in his popular class at the university, will reportedly have several hundred pages.

Friction Must Be Eliminated!

If there is a Satan, fellow travellers on this hurtling ball of cosmic mud, it is friction. If there is one insidious force robbing our daily toil of its intended efficiency, it is friction.
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Special Coverage

Technology

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Saturday Morning Live Is A Comedic Masterpiece!

There are ulterior motives hidden behind many of the articles you read in today’s media. For example, if Time magazine runs a glowing review of a movie being released on Warner Bros., the revenue generated by the article’s influence goes to Time-Warner, Inc.—which in turn uses the money to produce more issues of Time magazine.

Though many feel this is an unethical system, we at The Onion both respect and honor it. We honestly believe everyone should attend the spectacular play Saturday Morning Live, which pays tribute to the hilarious cartoons of our childhood. There are countless reasons to attend this fine show, which, incidentally, is being underwritten by The Onion, Inc., and the local modern rock radio station, WMAD.

Performed by graduates of Chicago’s famous Second City, Saturday Morning Live pays tribute to 1970s children’s programming like Scooby Doo, The Superfriends, Hong Kong Phooey and Fat Albert. Complementing these sketches are renditions of old commercials as well as ABC’s Schoolhouse Rock classics like “Interplanet Janet,” “Conjunction Junction” and “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here.” Kitschy and hilarious, Saturday Morning Live is an ideal means of reliving fabulous childhood memories—and a great way to unwind before finals!

Underwriting local entertainment events such as Saturday Morning Live provides a vital supplement to the revenue The Onion generates through advertising, subscriptions and our child labor force. Without underwriting, we could not have opened the Onion Children’s Hospice, which has provided refuge to hundreds of Onion laborers suffering in the final throes of black lung disease.

Know this: Saturday Morning Live, performed by the Win One Ensemble, will be playing at Madison’s Old Music Hall (925 Bascom Hall) on Friday, Dec. 10, and Saturday, Dec. 11, at 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. Cost is a paltry $7.50 for students and $9.50 for non-students, and tickets are available at the Memorial Union Box Office, The Den and Capitol Centre Foods. They can also be charged by phone at 256-1372.

Also know this: First thing Sunday morning, Onion Operatives will begin knocking on doors and checking for ticket stubs.

If you think The Onion will stop at simply suggesting that you cooperate, you are dead wrong. Citizens of Madison foolish enough to not attend the hilarious comedy Saturday Morning Live will be subject to beatings, torture and imprisonment. In accordance with The Onion’s contract with the City of Madison, particularly uncooperative perpetrators will be rounded up and gassed.

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