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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Saturday Morning Live Is A Comedic Masterpiece!

There are ulterior motives hidden behind many of the articles you read in today’s media. For example, if Time magazine runs a glowing review of a movie being released on Warner Bros., the revenue generated by the article’s influence goes to Time-Warner, Inc.—which in turn uses the money to produce more issues of Time magazine.

Though many feel this is an unethical system, we at The Onion both respect and honor it. We honestly believe everyone should attend the spectacular play Saturday Morning Live, which pays tribute to the hilarious cartoons of our childhood. There are countless reasons to attend this fine show, which, incidentally, is being underwritten by The Onion, Inc., and the local modern rock radio station, WMAD.

Performed by graduates of Chicago’s famous Second City, Saturday Morning Live pays tribute to 1970s children’s programming like Scooby Doo, The Superfriends, Hong Kong Phooey and Fat Albert. Complementing these sketches are renditions of old commercials as well as ABC’s Schoolhouse Rock classics like “Interplanet Janet,” “Conjunction Junction” and “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here.” Kitschy and hilarious, Saturday Morning Live is an ideal means of reliving fabulous childhood memories—and a great way to unwind before finals!

Underwriting local entertainment events such as Saturday Morning Live provides a vital supplement to the revenue The Onion generates through advertising, subscriptions and our child labor force. Without underwriting, we could not have opened the Onion Children’s Hospice, which has provided refuge to hundreds of Onion laborers suffering in the final throes of black lung disease.

Know this: Saturday Morning Live, performed by the Win One Ensemble, will be playing at Madison’s Old Music Hall (925 Bascom Hall) on Friday, Dec. 10, and Saturday, Dec. 11, at 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. Cost is a paltry $7.50 for students and $9.50 for non-students, and tickets are available at the Memorial Union Box Office, The Den and Capitol Centre Foods. They can also be charged by phone at 256-1372.

Also know this: First thing Sunday morning, Onion Operatives will begin knocking on doors and checking for ticket stubs.

If you think The Onion will stop at simply suggesting that you cooperate, you are dead wrong. Citizens of Madison foolish enough to not attend the hilarious comedy Saturday Morning Live will be subject to beatings, torture and imprisonment. In accordance with The Onion’s contract with the City of Madison, particularly uncooperative perpetrators will be rounded up and gassed.

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