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Saturday Morning Live Is A Comedic Masterpiece!

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Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
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Saturday Morning Live Is A Comedic Masterpiece!

There are ulterior motives hidden behind many of the articles you read in today’s media. For example, if Time magazine runs a glowing review of a movie being released on Warner Bros., the revenue generated by the article’s influence goes to Time-Warner, Inc.—which in turn uses the money to produce more issues of Time magazine.

Though many feel this is an unethical system, we at The Onion both respect and honor it. We honestly believe everyone should attend the spectacular play Saturday Morning Live, which pays tribute to the hilarious cartoons of our childhood. There are countless reasons to attend this fine show, which, incidentally, is being underwritten by The Onion, Inc., and the local modern rock radio station, WMAD.

Performed by graduates of Chicago’s famous Second City, Saturday Morning Live pays tribute to 1970s children’s programming like Scooby Doo, The Superfriends, Hong Kong Phooey and Fat Albert. Complementing these sketches are renditions of old commercials as well as ABC’s Schoolhouse Rock classics like “Interplanet Janet,” “Conjunction Junction” and “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here.” Kitschy and hilarious, Saturday Morning Live is an ideal means of reliving fabulous childhood memories—and a great way to unwind before finals!

Underwriting local entertainment events such as Saturday Morning Live provides a vital supplement to the revenue The Onion generates through advertising, subscriptions and our child labor force. Without underwriting, we could not have opened the Onion Children’s Hospice, which has provided refuge to hundreds of Onion laborers suffering in the final throes of black lung disease.

Know this: Saturday Morning Live, performed by the Win One Ensemble, will be playing at Madison’s Old Music Hall (925 Bascom Hall) on Friday, Dec. 10, and Saturday, Dec. 11, at 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. Cost is a paltry $7.50 for students and $9.50 for non-students, and tickets are available at the Memorial Union Box Office, The Den and Capitol Centre Foods. They can also be charged by phone at 256-1372.

Also know this: First thing Sunday morning, Onion Operatives will begin knocking on doors and checking for ticket stubs.

If you think The Onion will stop at simply suggesting that you cooperate, you are dead wrong. Citizens of Madison foolish enough to not attend the hilarious comedy Saturday Morning Live will be subject to beatings, torture and imprisonment. In accordance with The Onion’s contract with the City of Madison, particularly uncooperative perpetrators will be rounded up and gassed.

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