Save The Soft-Wares

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Vol 36 Issue 17

Cashier Allows Line-Cutting To Go Unpunished

CHANDLER, AZ–Cashier Wendy Kile, 20, allowed a blatant case of line-cutting to go unpunished Monday at the Billings Road Safeway. "I was waiting in line when this smart-aleck teen walked right in front of me," said shopper Ida Sims, 43. "I complained to the check-out girl, but she just said, 'I honestly don't care who I take next.' What kind of answer is that?" If Safeway authorities do not punish Kile for failing to preserve the integrity of her line, Sims said she will gladly take her business to the IGA on Brook Street.

Congress Votes To Intervene In Local Wedding

WASHINGTON, DC–The U.S. Senate voted 64-30 Monday to obstruct next Sunday's marriage of Phoenix's Todd Wexler and Marisa Park. "It is clear to this legislative body that Mr. Wexler is a total jerk," said Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO) following Monday's vote. "Miss Park can do a lot better." Federal agents will be posted outside the wedding chapel with orders to step in if any vow-taking occurs.

Man Paid More Than Enough To Put Up With This Shit

NEW YORK–Porter Novelli public-relations executive Randy Schad, who works directly under megalomaniacal bastard Rich Frankel, is earning more than enough to put up with Frankel's unbelievable shit, the 25-year-old reported Monday. "Normally, I'm not the type of person who'd put up with the kind of shit I take daily from Mr. Frankel," Schad said, "but my six-figure salary and unbelievable benefits package more than make up for it." Schad said he'll probably only have to put up with Frankel's shit for another year or two, at which point he will receive a promotion and be able to dish out some shit of his own.

Civil Unrest In Sierra Leone Concerns NPR Listener

HANOVER, NH–A National Public Radio report on a rebel insurrection in the West African nation of Sierra Leone deeply concerned Hanover-area listener Jim Ellenson Monday. "Apparently, the Sankoh-led Revolutionary United Front rebels are rapidly advancing on Freetown," said Ellenson, listening to NPR while leafing through the latest issue of The Nation. "Hopefully, the U.N. peacekeepers will be able to limit the movement of the RUF in the interior near Masiaka." Ellenson said he plans to stay tuned to NPR for the latest on the crisis.

Diet Candy's Aftertaste Experienced 12 Years Later

PIKESVILLE, MD–The aftertaste of a sugar-free, strawberry-flavored hard candy eaten by Stephanie Wickes in 1988 was detected Monday by the 38-year-old Pikesville resident. "I was on my way to pick up the kids from school when, out of nowhere, I suddenly got this really nasty taste in my mouth," Wickes said. "For the longest time, I couldn't place it. But then I finally remembered: It was that gross diet candy that Annette Brinkworth, this woman I worked with about 12 years ago, offered me once." Wickes said she was pretty sure Brinkworth got the candy from her dentist.

The Friends Stand-Off

The six Friends starts are threatening to quit he show if each does not receive $1 million per episode. What else are they demanding?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Save The Soft-Wares

I hear that the tyrants in Washington are proposing than an enormous soft-wares and computing monopoly be broken up. The ladies must be broken-hearted that the soft-wares are in jeopardy. What lady does not relish the plush touch of ermine on her cheek, the airy intricacies of a panel of lace, or the cloud-like embrace of a velveteen settee? I pity the poor, weak-minded biddies. Thank God my fiancee, Miss Bernadette Fiske, did not live to see such trauma.

I predict that the computing will go down the chutes, too. The Republic needs men of stout and sober mind to do the computing, the ciphering, and other such bean-counting, and if they are out of work, we will become as ignorant and back-ward as the most miserable out-post of the Austro-Hungarian Empire. I have heard my son V. Lucius mention the existence of machines that can process sums and words at lightning speeds through binary-coded instructions. But I cannot imagine how these frigid automatons could ever take the place of the warm sound of a quill rustling against a nice, heavy piece of cream-colored ledger-paper.

The thing that boils me most is all this trust-busting. I don't bank-roll the goddamned Supreme Court so it can avidly participate in the undoing of our Republic's most ruth-less captains of industry! There is entirely too much ruth as it is! First, they went after the Steel Trust. Then the Oil Trust. Then the Beef Trust. What next, the Haberdashery Trust?

I shudder to think that my beautiful new son N. Aeschylus will grow up never knowing an air-less, stultifyingly uncompetitive market-place. That is why I have decided to make his childhood as merry and free from care as possible. He shall have his own hobby-horse and box-kite, and he may eat all the mince-pie he wants.

I had one of The Onion's staff lithographers render an image of little N. Aeschylus so that the public may at last look upon my precious boy. Look how much he resembles his father at the same age!

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