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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Screw Charity!

I must admit that my relationship with my man-servant Standish has been strained ever since he won a kingly fortune in a sweep-stakes last year. In spite of his new-gotten wealth, he chose to remain in my employ, because it is, after all, the only life he has ever known. But some-times I think it is also because he wants to rub it in my decaying face. Upon winning, he bought all the servants comfortable shoes, including the lowly field-hands. Even the furloughed convicts who boil down pine trees into turpentine in my vast forest have been receiving an extra pullet or two in their monthly rations. Recently, I decided I'd had enough.

"Standish!" I screamed. "It is only through the most negligible of legal technicalities that I am unable to usurp your fortune. But all this Christian charity is not welcome in a Machiavellian house-hold such as this. Have you forgotten what we have accomplished together, boy? Who helped me put ant-paste in Henry Cabot Lodge's coffee? And who stole the secret of fire and refused to return it to the American people until they produced $2 million in gold bullion?"

Standish looked quite sheepish and shuffled his feet. I knew that would get to him! But he sanctimoniously replied that his generosity was a way to soothe his deep shame about his past. He said he would one day have to answer to his Maker, and that he wanted to depart the Earth knowing that he had fully atoned for his sins. The fool! Does he not realize that you find religion only when you're on death's door-step, when you beg for the Lord's forgiveness like a pathetic wretch? I cannot tell you how many times I've done that. Then I invariably recover and return to being a capital ass-hole.

Then Standish said some-thing so abominable, my catheter shot clean out of my prick. He said he had directed most of his fortune toward the founding of The Standish Foundation, an organization devoted to helping former organ-grinder monkeys find new, non-organ-grinding jobs.

"I'm an old man my-self, sir, and I don't need all this money," Standish said. "Why not use it to assist those who need our help, such as millions of displaced organ-grinder monkeys?"

"Organ-grinder monkeys?" I said. "Screw organ-grinder monkeys!" I am glad that my late bosom friend, the ruth-less steel magnate J. Titian McBrodie, did not live to see such hideous misuse of wealth! This is the same gentle-man who abducted the entire state of Pennsylvania during a steel-workers' strike in Pitts-burgh. To this day, the authorities have never found it.

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