Screw Charity!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Screw Charity!

I must admit that my relationship with my man-servant Standish has been strained ever since he won a kingly fortune in a sweep-stakes last year. In spite of his new-gotten wealth, he chose to remain in my employ, because it is, after all, the only life he has ever known. But some-times I think it is also because he wants to rub it in my decaying face. Upon winning, he bought all the servants comfortable shoes, including the lowly field-hands. Even the furloughed convicts who boil down pine trees into turpentine in my vast forest have been receiving an extra pullet or two in their monthly rations. Recently, I decided I'd had enough.

"Standish!" I screamed. "It is only through the most negligible of legal technicalities that I am unable to usurp your fortune. But all this Christian charity is not welcome in a Machiavellian house-hold such as this. Have you forgotten what we have accomplished together, boy? Who helped me put ant-paste in Henry Cabot Lodge's coffee? And who stole the secret of fire and refused to return it to the American people until they produced $2 million in gold bullion?"

Standish looked quite sheepish and shuffled his feet. I knew that would get to him! But he sanctimoniously replied that his generosity was a way to soothe his deep shame about his past. He said he would one day have to answer to his Maker, and that he wanted to depart the Earth knowing that he had fully atoned for his sins. The fool! Does he not realize that you find religion only when you're on death's door-step, when you beg for the Lord's forgiveness like a pathetic wretch? I cannot tell you how many times I've done that. Then I invariably recover and return to being a capital ass-hole.

Then Standish said some-thing so abominable, my catheter shot clean out of my prick. He said he had directed most of his fortune toward the founding of The Standish Foundation, an organization devoted to helping former organ-grinder monkeys find new, non-organ-grinding jobs.

"I'm an old man my-self, sir, and I don't need all this money," Standish said. "Why not use it to assist those who need our help, such as millions of displaced organ-grinder monkeys?"

"Organ-grinder monkeys?" I said. "Screw organ-grinder monkeys!" I am glad that my late bosom friend, the ruth-less steel magnate J. Titian McBrodie, did not live to see such hideous misuse of wealth! This is the same gentle-man who abducted the entire state of Pennsylvania during a steel-workers' strike in Pitts-burgh. To this day, the authorities have never found it.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close