Secrets To A Long Life

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Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

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Report: One In Three Americans Will Get Dessert If Someone Else Does

WASHINGTON—Noting that many of those surveyed reported feeling kind of full but could “probably make room” for ice cream or pie, a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that nearly a third of Americans would be willing to get dessert if someone else does.

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Secrets To A Long Life

Recently, I was paid perhaps the highest compliment I have ever received when Time magazine named me "America's oldest living slab of carrion." Odd that such words of praise should come from the mouth-piece of my hated enemy, Henry Luce. I must remember to have Standish send him a case of corn-syrup with my heartiest wishes.

Speaking of rival publications, the other day, a woman from one of those milque-toast ladies' gazettes came to the estate to interview me. Before I could overcome my disgust at the spectacle of a lady-reporter, she had the gall to ask me if I had any tips for her reader-ship for living a long and fruitful life. There was no way in the world I would impart wise and useful advice to the enemy, so I immediately had the woman expelled from the estate, and decided that for to-day's column I would share with my loyal Onion readers some of my personal good habits to which I credit my great longevity.

1. Continuous exposure to asbestos.
2. Steadfast intolerance toward the Flemish.
3. Belief in a stern and vengeful God.
4. Watching big things burn.
5. A daily ride aboard my estate's shoot-the-chutes until the age of 98.
6. An insistence that strangers maintain a minimum distance of 63 yards from me at alltimes.
7. Routine injections of bull-semen.
8. Bringing a cinder-block down upon the head of Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge. That act alone added 35 years to my life.
9. Possession of a magical ruby ring.
10. The storage of several of my vital organs in protective jars.
11. Use of Dr. Klimpt's Poultry Liniment.

I understand that these habits are unattainable or incomprehensible to those of common birth-right, as they should be. But the wise and upright man will mark my words, and mark them well! I didn't live 127 years by sipping tea and letting people defecate on me, except for pleasure! "Eternal Vigilance" and "Knife The Bastards" are the time-honored mottos of the Zweibel clan, and if you've got any sense, you'll adopt them too.