Secrets To A Long Life

Top Headlines

Recent News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Originality

Secrets To A Long Life

Recently, I was paid perhaps the highest compliment I have ever received when Time magazine named me "America's oldest living slab of carrion." Odd that such words of praise should come from the mouth-piece of my hated enemy, Henry Luce. I must remember to have Standish send him a case of corn-syrup with my heartiest wishes.

Speaking of rival publications, the other day, a woman from one of those milque-toast ladies' gazettes came to the estate to interview me. Before I could overcome my disgust at the spectacle of a lady-reporter, she had the gall to ask me if I had any tips for her reader-ship for living a long and fruitful life. There was no way in the world I would impart wise and useful advice to the enemy, so I immediately had the woman expelled from the estate, and decided that for to-day's column I would share with my loyal Onion readers some of my personal good habits to which I credit my great longevity.

1. Continuous exposure to asbestos.
2. Steadfast intolerance toward the Flemish.
3. Belief in a stern and vengeful God.
4. Watching big things burn.
5. A daily ride aboard my estate's shoot-the-chutes until the age of 98.
6. An insistence that strangers maintain a minimum distance of 63 yards from me at alltimes.
7. Routine injections of bull-semen.
8. Bringing a cinder-block down upon the head of Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge. That act alone added 35 years to my life.
9. Possession of a magical ruby ring.
10. The storage of several of my vital organs in protective jars.
11. Use of Dr. Klimpt's Poultry Liniment.

I understand that these habits are unattainable or incomprehensible to those of common birth-right, as they should be. But the wise and upright man will mark my words, and mark them well! I didn't live 127 years by sipping tea and letting people defecate on me, except for pleasure! "Eternal Vigilance" and "Knife The Bastards" are the time-honored mottos of the Zweibel clan, and if you've got any sense, you'll adopt them too.

Next Story