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Secrets To A Long Life

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Secrets To A Long Life

Recently, I was paid perhaps the highest compliment I have ever received when Time magazine named me "America's oldest living slab of carrion." Odd that such words of praise should come from the mouth-piece of my hated enemy, Henry Luce. I must remember to have Standish send him a case of corn-syrup with my heartiest wishes.

Speaking of rival publications, the other day, a woman from one of those milque-toast ladies' gazettes came to the estate to interview me. Before I could overcome my disgust at the spectacle of a lady-reporter, she had the gall to ask me if I had any tips for her reader-ship for living a long and fruitful life. There was no way in the world I would impart wise and useful advice to the enemy, so I immediately had the woman expelled from the estate, and decided that for to-day's column I would share with my loyal Onion readers some of my personal good habits to which I credit my great longevity.

1. Continuous exposure to asbestos.
2. Steadfast intolerance toward the Flemish.
3. Belief in a stern and vengeful God.
4. Watching big things burn.
5. A daily ride aboard my estate's shoot-the-chutes until the age of 98.
6. An insistence that strangers maintain a minimum distance of 63 yards from me at alltimes.
7. Routine injections of bull-semen.
8. Bringing a cinder-block down upon the head of Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge. That act alone added 35 years to my life.
9. Possession of a magical ruby ring.
10. The storage of several of my vital organs in protective jars.
11. Use of Dr. Klimpt's Poultry Liniment.

I understand that these habits are unattainable or incomprehensible to those of common birth-right, as they should be. But the wise and upright man will mark my words, and mark them well! I didn't live 127 years by sipping tea and letting people defecate on me, except for pleasure! "Eternal Vigilance" and "Knife The Bastards" are the time-honored mottos of the Zweibel clan, and if you've got any sense, you'll adopt them too.

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