Secrets To A Long Life

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

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CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Secrets To A Long Life

Recently, I was paid perhaps the highest compliment I have ever received when Time magazine named me "America's oldest living slab of carrion." Odd that such words of praise should come from the mouth-piece of my hated enemy, Henry Luce. I must remember to have Standish send him a case of corn-syrup with my heartiest wishes.

Speaking of rival publications, the other day, a woman from one of those milque-toast ladies' gazettes came to the estate to interview me. Before I could overcome my disgust at the spectacle of a lady-reporter, she had the gall to ask me if I had any tips for her reader-ship for living a long and fruitful life. There was no way in the world I would impart wise and useful advice to the enemy, so I immediately had the woman expelled from the estate, and decided that for to-day's column I would share with my loyal Onion readers some of my personal good habits to which I credit my great longevity.

1. Continuous exposure to asbestos.
2. Steadfast intolerance toward the Flemish.
3. Belief in a stern and vengeful God.
4. Watching big things burn.
5. A daily ride aboard my estate's shoot-the-chutes until the age of 98.
6. An insistence that strangers maintain a minimum distance of 63 yards from me at alltimes.
7. Routine injections of bull-semen.
8. Bringing a cinder-block down upon the head of Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge. That act alone added 35 years to my life.
9. Possession of a magical ruby ring.
10. The storage of several of my vital organs in protective jars.
11. Use of Dr. Klimpt's Poultry Liniment.

I understand that these habits are unattainable or incomprehensible to those of common birth-right, as they should be. But the wise and upright man will mark my words, and mark them well! I didn't live 127 years by sipping tea and letting people defecate on me, except for pleasure! "Eternal Vigilance" and "Knife The Bastards" are the time-honored mottos of the Zweibel clan, and if you've got any sense, you'll adopt them too.