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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Secrets To A Long Life

Recently, I was paid perhaps the highest compliment I have ever received when Time magazine named me "America's oldest living slab of carrion." Odd that such words of praise should come from the mouth-piece of my hated enemy, Henry Luce. I must remember to have Standish send him a case of corn-syrup with my heartiest wishes.

Speaking of rival publications, the other day, a woman from one of those milque-toast ladies' gazettes came to the estate to interview me. Before I could overcome my disgust at the spectacle of a lady-reporter, she had the gall to ask me if I had any tips for her reader-ship for living a long and fruitful life. There was no way in the world I would impart wise and useful advice to the enemy, so I immediately had the woman expelled from the estate, and decided that for to-day's column I would share with my loyal Onion readers some of my personal good habits to which I credit my great longevity.

1. Continuous exposure to asbestos.
2. Steadfast intolerance toward the Flemish.
3. Belief in a stern and vengeful God.
4. Watching big things burn.
5. A daily ride aboard my estate's shoot-the-chutes until the age of 98.
6. An insistence that strangers maintain a minimum distance of 63 yards from me at alltimes.
7. Routine injections of bull-semen.
8. Bringing a cinder-block down upon the head of Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge. That act alone added 35 years to my life.
9. Possession of a magical ruby ring.
10. The storage of several of my vital organs in protective jars.
11. Use of Dr. Klimpt's Poultry Liniment.

I understand that these habits are unattainable or incomprehensible to those of common birth-right, as they should be. But the wise and upright man will mark my words, and mark them well! I didn't live 127 years by sipping tea and letting people defecate on me, except for pleasure! "Eternal Vigilance" and "Knife The Bastards" are the time-honored mottos of the Zweibel clan, and if you've got any sense, you'll adopt them too.

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