Seize Him!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


Seize Him!

Ah, yes. I see you have captured my elusive Earthling quarry at last. Well done, guard! You have greatly pleased your master. Bring him forward at once! I wish to speak with him face to face... before his annihilation.

So! It seems we meet again, my heroic friend. Before I kill you, I must admit that you have proven to be a formidable foe—for a human. It will be bring me no small amount of pleasure to blast you into atoms, seeing how, puny as you may be, you have caused considerable inconvenience to my plan to dominate your home world.

Over the Slime Caverns of Tarmokk IV, I was sure I had you in my grasp. I would have lasered you into oblivion right then and there, had you not escaped at the last minute thanks to the treacherous Prince Kazak and his accursed Rocket Squad! But no matter. I assure you, my helpless prisoner, that not even your friends can save you now!

Silence, dog! Guard, still this impudent rebel's tongue with a blast of your atomic stun rod! Ha, ha! See how he writhes in pain at my command! Guards, increase the power flow! I want to see if this prisoner can withstand the agonies of the dreaded Level 10! Ha! Ha! Ha! Not so lively with a stun rod at your throat, eh, earthling? Guards, enough! Release him! I want the pain to linger. I want this troublesome gnat to suffer before he dies.

Fzam! Vzz-Kpowbang!

What? What?! A smuggled electro-ray pistol concealed on his person? You dare defy Gorzo, Emperor Of The Universe? Earthling vermin, you shall die for this! Your entire planet shall be my slaves! Guards! Guards! Seize him!

Seize him, you fools! He's getting away! After him, my precious robo-troopers! Hurry!

Quickly! He's heading for the detention quadrant, no doubt with the intention of freeing Princess Sultrania and his comrades from the spaceship "Gallant"! Activate the Neuro-Drain Web! Release the poisonous gas-balloon monster from Planet Xerix! He must not slip through my fingers again! Do whatever it takes, only seize him!

Fools! Seize him! Do you know what this means? If he can get his friend Professor Zircon to the central power grid, he just might be able to disable the hypno-generators and thwart our invasion of Earth! Seize him, you fools!

Are your puny minds filled with space dust? Seize the prisoner, or I will vaporize you in the same de-senso chamber in which I shall soon hold him and his pitiful friends. We must not let him escape! Gorzo commands you to seize him!

Oh, I see... You think that once you find the prisoner, he will use his barbaric fighting skills and crude Earth weaponry to cut you down like pigeons? Nonsense! You are the elite guard of Gorzo, Emperor Of The Universe! Do as I say! Seize him!

Do you hear me? Attention all robo-troopers! The earthling intruder is once again loose in the palace of Gorzo The Mighty! Seize him! Seize him! Seize him!