Seize Him!

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Vol 32 Issue 15

Southern Comfort Comforts Southerner

SMYRNA, TN—A well-known brand of alcohol proved worthy of its name Sunday as a bottle of Southern Comfort comforted Southerner Melvin Shifflett, providing him with a warm sense of well-being as he retreated into the soothing glow of intoxication. "I am definitely comforted right now," the 34-year-old Shifflett said. "The high alcohol content of this whiskey, not to mention its pleasant cherry flavor, has made me forget all about the pain of my recent divorce and mounting credit-card debt."

Six-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess

MILESBURG, PA—In a pre-bedtime announcement before family members Monday, area six-year-old Stephanie Ambrose unveiled plans to become a ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess when she grows up. "Ashley is very much interested in that particular field," said Ambrose’s mother Patricia. "But she’s still keeping her options open: She’s also considering becoming an astronaut actress president basketball-playing magic fairy."

Area Gym Class Prepares For Mandatory Exposure Of Penises To Peers

ROANOKE, VA—It was learned Monday that male students in Riverview Middle School’s fourth-period gym class are preparing, as they do before every scheduled hour of physical education, for mandatory exposure of their near-hairless, tiny, adolescent penises to the scrutiny of their peers. "Everyone’s got to be completely nude," said gym teacher Randall Slavin. "Anyone refusing to participate in the group nudity will be disciplined under school policy." Said seventh-grader Tim Hilfer: "I’d known James Ketchner ever since he and his mom moved here from Phoenix. We’ve been in school together a long time, but in all those years I’d never seen his penis. Now, I see his penis five days a week, and he sees mine."

North Korea Ranked Least-Entertained Nation On Earth

UNITED NATIONS—A U.N. study released Tuesday revealed that North Korea is the least-entertained nation on earth. The notoriously isolated Communist nation ranked last in all 57 of the study’s entertainment-related statistical subcategories, including celebrity-to-ordinary-citizen ratio, number of Nintendo 64s per thousand persons, and per capita fun. "These North Koreans are starving for the sort of Hollywood-style thrills that we take for granted here in the U.S.," Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said. "It’s tragic."

War And Remembrance

To-day is Armistice Day, the day when we remember those who have fallen in battle defending our great Republic. I myself never served in the military, but I am proud to say that throughout my long life, I have instigated much violence and blood-shed.

The Basics Of Cruising

Hola amigos. How's it hangin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but a lot of shit's been going down in Jim's part of town. See, I been working my ass off at this new job. You know how on trucks they have those running boards which are black, but they aren't painted because paint would come off real fast? Well, I work at a place where we put some black-powder crap onto the metal running boards and bake it for a while so it won't come off, even if you go off-roading. I guess you'd call me a powder boy, 'cause I apply the powder to the metal.

Ergonomic Advisors Call For $30 Million In Federal Lumbar Support

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling America’s current ergonomic situation "terribly strenuous on the nation’s lower-back region," a panel of top ergonomic advisors called upon Congress Monday to pass legislation allocating $30 million in federal lumbar support. "If the government does not begin addressing the problems facing the U.S. ergonomy," said MIT ergonomist Bryan Lam, "this nation will be unable to stand up in a few years."

Methushael Begets Lamech

JERUSALEM—According to a report released Monday by Pentateuch officials, 930-year-old area resident Adam had two sons, Abel and Cain, and Cain begat Enoch, and Enoch begat Mehujal, and Mehujal begat Methushael, and Methushael begat Lamech.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Seize Him!

Ah, yes. I see you have captured my elusive Earthling quarry at last. Well done, guard! You have greatly pleased your master. Bring him forward at once! I wish to speak with him face to face... before his annihilation.

So! It seems we meet again, my heroic friend. Before I kill you, I must admit that you have proven to be a formidable foe—for a human. It will be bring me no small amount of pleasure to blast you into atoms, seeing how, puny as you may be, you have caused considerable inconvenience to my plan to dominate your home world.

Over the Slime Caverns of Tarmokk IV, I was sure I had you in my grasp. I would have lasered you into oblivion right then and there, had you not escaped at the last minute thanks to the treacherous Prince Kazak and his accursed Rocket Squad! But no matter. I assure you, my helpless prisoner, that not even your friends can save you now!

Silence, dog! Guard, still this impudent rebel's tongue with a blast of your atomic stun rod! Ha, ha! See how he writhes in pain at my command! Guards, increase the power flow! I want to see if this prisoner can withstand the agonies of the dreaded Level 10! Ha! Ha! Ha! Not so lively with a stun rod at your throat, eh, earthling? Guards, enough! Release him! I want the pain to linger. I want this troublesome gnat to suffer before he dies.

Fzam! Vzz-Kpowbang!

What? What?! A smuggled electro-ray pistol concealed on his person? You dare defy Gorzo, Emperor Of The Universe? Earthling vermin, you shall die for this! Your entire planet shall be my slaves! Guards! Guards! Seize him!

Seize him, you fools! He's getting away! After him, my precious robo-troopers! Hurry!

Quickly! He's heading for the detention quadrant, no doubt with the intention of freeing Princess Sultrania and his comrades from the spaceship "Gallant"! Activate the Neuro-Drain Web! Release the poisonous gas-balloon monster from Planet Xerix! He must not slip through my fingers again! Do whatever it takes, only seize him!

Fools! Seize him! Do you know what this means? If he can get his friend Professor Zircon to the central power grid, he just might be able to disable the hypno-generators and thwart our invasion of Earth! Seize him, you fools!

Are your puny minds filled with space dust? Seize the prisoner, or I will vaporize you in the same de-senso chamber in which I shall soon hold him and his pitiful friends. We must not let him escape! Gorzo commands you to seize him!

Oh, I see... You think that once you find the prisoner, he will use his barbaric fighting skills and crude Earth weaponry to cut you down like pigeons? Nonsense! You are the elite guard of Gorzo, Emperor Of The Universe! Do as I say! Seize him!

Do you hear me? Attention all robo-troopers! The earthling intruder is once again loose in the palace of Gorzo The Mighty! Seize him! Seize him! Seize him!

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