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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

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WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

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VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

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WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination
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Seize Him!

Ah, yes. I see you have captured my elusive Earthling quarry at last. Well done, guard! You have greatly pleased your master. Bring him forward at once! I wish to speak with him face to face... before his annihilation.

So! It seems we meet again, my heroic friend. Before I kill you, I must admit that you have proven to be a formidable foe—for a human. It will be bring me no small amount of pleasure to blast you into atoms, seeing how, puny as you may be, you have caused considerable inconvenience to my plan to dominate your home world.

Over the Slime Caverns of Tarmokk IV, I was sure I had you in my grasp. I would have lasered you into oblivion right then and there, had you not escaped at the last minute thanks to the treacherous Prince Kazak and his accursed Rocket Squad! But no matter. I assure you, my helpless prisoner, that not even your friends can save you now!

Silence, dog! Guard, still this impudent rebel's tongue with a blast of your atomic stun rod! Ha, ha! See how he writhes in pain at my command! Guards, increase the power flow! I want to see if this prisoner can withstand the agonies of the dreaded Level 10! Ha! Ha! Ha! Not so lively with a stun rod at your throat, eh, earthling? Guards, enough! Release him! I want the pain to linger. I want this troublesome gnat to suffer before he dies.

Fzam! Vzz-Kpowbang!

What? What?! A smuggled electro-ray pistol concealed on his person? You dare defy Gorzo, Emperor Of The Universe? Earthling vermin, you shall die for this! Your entire planet shall be my slaves! Guards! Guards! Seize him!

Seize him, you fools! He's getting away! After him, my precious robo-troopers! Hurry!

Quickly! He's heading for the detention quadrant, no doubt with the intention of freeing Princess Sultrania and his comrades from the spaceship "Gallant"! Activate the Neuro-Drain Web! Release the poisonous gas-balloon monster from Planet Xerix! He must not slip through my fingers again! Do whatever it takes, only seize him!

Fools! Seize him! Do you know what this means? If he can get his friend Professor Zircon to the central power grid, he just might be able to disable the hypno-generators and thwart our invasion of Earth! Seize him, you fools!

Are your puny minds filled with space dust? Seize the prisoner, or I will vaporize you in the same de-senso chamber in which I shall soon hold him and his pitiful friends. We must not let him escape! Gorzo commands you to seize him!

Oh, I see... You think that once you find the prisoner, he will use his barbaric fighting skills and crude Earth weaponry to cut you down like pigeons? Nonsense! You are the elite guard of Gorzo, Emperor Of The Universe! Do as I say! Seize him!

Do you hear me? Attention all robo-troopers! The earthling intruder is once again loose in the palace of Gorzo The Mighty! Seize him! Seize him! Seize him!

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