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Sensors Indicate You're Settin' Up For A Kickass Party

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Sensors Indicate You're Settin' Up For A Kickass Party

Well, now, would you take a gander at what a routine 10-by-50-klick sweep of the U.S.-Mexico border has turned up on both visible-spectrum and ultra-infra? Seems a group of 12 to 14 local males has assembled a promising array of edible/potable organics along with both a high-potential-energy controlled heat source and a large-capacity solid-water encapsulation right in this here topologically consistent area! By which I mean, of course, a meat-griller, a beer-chiller, and a natural dance floor. You know, if my predictive diagnostics didn't know any better, I'd say that there has the makings of one hell of a shindig.

This is one scene that's definitely worth establishing a low-sonic-output, nap-of-the earth reconnaissance patrol around. I think I'll just set myself a few waypoints that let me sniff the smoke and take in the sights, such as… Yes! My onboard predictive-aquifer map was right; the arroyo's filled up with nice cool rainwater. Perfect for skinny-dipping—and who just happens to have the finest array of undetectable airborne video equipment money can buy? That's right. Can't wait till the girls get here!

Check it out! Even a passive sweep of low-energy-spectrographic coherent light registers enough artificially entubed lipid-rich protein cylinders to feed 66.75 adult males, 82.05 adult females, or if I estimate a crowd approaching gender parity—yeah, as if any party ever does!— means we got hot dogs for like six dozen people. And seeing as a fructose-enhanced organic-ethanol solution is being prepared in the local area most sheltered from solar radiation, I'd say some good old fashioned shade-tree wapatula's gonna be introduced to the systems of those selfsame people.

And—UPLOADING/PROCESSING—oh my, my, what's this? It seems my optics indicate the recent and repeated presence of four wide-track vehicles, and that tread-pattern analysis returns a 94 percent probability of them being American-built truck chassis, General Motors brands, Tahoe, Blazer, and Navigator models. Combined with the discarded plasticized-ringlet and male-casual-footwear-sole pattern accumulation around the crudely fashioned low-temperature preservative module, I estimate a 87 percent probability of subject unit mission profile: Beer Run. Aww, yeah, that's a big affirmative.

Wait, what have we here on the other side of the ridge? A low-efficiency, high-fuel-consumption paramilitary vehicle with retrofitted custom suspension! Additionally, its active electron emissions indicate a high level of sophisticated onboard electronics. Its proximity to the Texas border returns only one possible match from database: Sweet-ass slammed-out Hummer with twin 800-watt Rockford–Fosgate subwoofer cabs, motherfucker! Subsequent cross-reference of calendar-versus-average-adult-female-height cross-analysis produces following result: Yeah, shorty! It's your birthday! Gonna party as if simulating your birthday!

Oh, but snap—plotting the curve of estimated per-person fluid intake versus capacity of single sanitary unit available indicates that this here portable sanitary toilet will be overflowing in as little as three hours after socializing commences. And that's if no one's puking, which I return as a probability of no fucking way, or 9.4 percent based on purity of available alcohol and those three coccobacilli-laced burger patties in the cooler. Oh, well—"It's not a party till you puke" is a phrase that my high-sensitivity capicator microphones have detected 476.887 times before.

So anyway, if I set myself to Maximum Fuel Conserve, I'll have just enough in the tank to observe these people, extrapolating that they're going to party to the break of dawn at 0455 hours local time. Booze, boobs, burgers, and judging by the complex aldehydes my chemical analysis modules are picking up, some pretty good bud. If I was working for those DEA assholes, I'd be able to crash this party. But hey, that's not me—I'm the kind of predator drone that likes to just hang out on the edges and watch things happen.

Still, a party this bangin' makes me wish I could legally operate within the borders of the United States just so I could swoop down and say hey. Well, maybe someday.

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