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Shame On You, Wynonna Rider

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Shame On You, Wynonna Rider

Item! A thief in Hollywood? Say it ain't so! Wynonna Rider, who delighted us in Alien 3, Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael, and 1969, was recently arrested for shoplifting. It's true, loyal readers, they caught her red-handed taking handbags (remember when they used to call them "purses"?) from an expensive Beverly Hills store. Well, let me be the first to say shame on you, Wynonna! I know stars sometimes think they are above the law. (Heck, I'm probably as much to blame as anyone, since I've said stars are better people than us.) But to betray our trust like that! People look up to you, Wynonna. Please, think about the movie fans who hold you dear in their heart before you run off and do something like that again.

Item! Not since the heyday of Men At Work and Yahoo Serious have we been so entertained by Australians. It's Oscar time, and the folks from Down Under are so present in all the major categories, they might have to change the name of the show to the "Oz-cars"! "Toss another shrimp on the barbie" for the following Australian nominees: Bas Lurman, who directed countrymate Nicole Kidman in Lady Marmalade; Peter Jackson, whose The Fellow's Ring gave everyone shivers of excitement; and actor Russell Crowe, who I didn't even know was Australian until just recently. And let's not forget Australiacting legends Mel Gibson and Arnold Schwarzenegger, who aren't nominated but are sure to be there. G'day to all of you! We're going to have to rename Australia "Little Hollywood" soon. Come on, isn't it time we finally just made them a state?

If there's one thing that really puts a dent in the car door of my day, it's parking tickets.

Move over, Barbara Walters and other ladies of The View. The fellas are finally having their say, and you have some pretty stiff competition. It's called The Better Half, and it stars Dick Clark (still looking good after all these years), Danny Partridge, and Screech from Head Of The Class. And I think there's a black guy, too, but I could be wrong. Say, could I get a little nudge from the Harvey Helpers on that one? Thanks!

As long as we're talking talk shows, let's have a hip-hip hooray for Kelly Rip-Rip Ripa! Regis' new co-host recently celebrated one year on the job, and she's exceeded even my own high expectations for her. I never thought anyone could fill Kathie Lee's oversized shoes, but Kelly's done it with her irresistible mixture of charm and spunk.

Is it just me, or is that Ryan Fillapay one mopey character? Every time I see him (which hasn't been a lot lately), he has a frown on his face. I say if you got it, flaunt it, Ryan! Show us that $75,000 smile! You have a lot to smile about. For example, did you know you are married to The Blonde Lawyer star Mason Reese? It's true! THAT should turn your frown upside down.

I may not be the world's biggest expert on oysters, but I do know they shouldn't make me throw up all night.

Have you heard about the scandal at the Olympics? Apparently, some jealous Russian figure skaters stole a gold medal from their victorious Canadian rivals, and then a French judge caught the Canadians trying to steal it back. I say, give both sides a 10... for bad sportsmanship! I used to be a huge figure-skating fan, but that love was wounded when Nancy Harding got her legs broken by that other lady in 1992. Now, after this latest episode of shame, I may never watch again.

Item! Rosie O'Donnell is a lesbian! During a recent stand-up routine, the comedienne extraordinaire went public with her longtime relationship with director and fellow Kmart pitchwoman Penny Marshall. And to think that she was lying all those years when she professed her love for Tom Cruise! Who would have ever expected such a bombshell revelation from a gruff, blockish, WNBA-loving adoptive mother like Rosie? Well, whether you support homosexuality or believe it's an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, you can count on yours truly to bring you all the latest info on Rosie and her celebrity galpal.

A member of N'Sync being launched N'To Outer Space? You read it here! I have it on good authority that one of the lesser members of the mega-popular boy band is going to be sent up into a Russian rocket later this year. No word on who will replace him while he's circling the globe, but my money's on the second one from the left in O-Town.

Item! Here's a brand new feature I'm taking around the block for a test drive called "Didja Know?" It goes something like this:

Didja know Tom Hanks has a son who also acts? He was in a movie set in Florida about oranges or college. The commercial was pretty vague. I can tell you that he is in the movie with comedian Blackjack, who steals the scene as only he can.

Didja know comedian Blackjack is also a rocker?

Didja know there's a new season of Survivor on?

It's all true, people! I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!

So, that's "Didja Know?" I think it could really catch on, but you should let me know if you like it or not. Your feedback could make or break this new wrinkle in the fabric of The Outside Scoop. I'd really appreciate it.

Well, sorry to dish and run, but it's time for me to pack it up yet again. Just to give you an appetizer for next time, I'll let just a touch slip. What do Cybil Shepperd, Martin Landau, and a macaroon have in common? Think it over, and I'll see you next time... on the Outside!

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