Shame On You, Wynonna Rider

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Vol 38 Issue 09

New U.S. Currency Expires If Not Spent In Two Weeks

WASHINGTON, DC— Seeking to stimulate consumer spending, the Treasury Department unveiled "QuikCash," a new U.S. currency that expires two weeks from the date of its issuance. "America, get ready to spend," Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill said Monday. "QuikCash is our exciting new way to jump-start the economy while telling our valued citizens, 'Hey, go get yourself something nice. Now.'"

Scotland More Relaxed When Sean Connery Is Away

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND— The people of Scotland felt a little calmer and more at ease Monday, when actor Sean Connery left the country to shoot a film in Morocco. "Don't misunderstand, we are quite proud of Mr. Connery," Scottish First Minister Jim Wallace said. "It's just that he's a rather intense fellow, and it's nice to have a little time without him." Connery is expected to be away for seven weeks, giving the nation the opportunity to hold a number of relaxed, Connery-free outdoor festivals.

Olympic Skier Stares Down Icy, Forbidding Slope Of Rest Of Life

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO— Two weeks after returning from the Salt Lake City Games, U.S. Olympic skier Courtney Roth, 31, found herself staring down the icy, forbidding slope that is her future Monday. "I got an offer to do a supermarket opening in Denver next week," Roth said, "and it looks like I may sign on to promote the new popcorn shrimp they've got over at Lou's Lobster House." Following several months of three-figure endorsement deals, Roth will land a job in Vail teaching skiing to surly, spoiled 5- to 10-year-olds for the rest of her life.

Home-Brewing Phase Comes To Long-Overdue Conclusion

BETHEL PARK, PA— Local resident Randy Paltz's two-year home-brewing phase finally came to its long-overdue conclusion Tuesday. "Thank God, it's over at last," said Andrea Longo, girlfriend of the 33-year-old beer aficionado. "Every few weeks, he'd make a big production about his latest 'Paltz's Signature Brew.' It all tasted the same—like really thick, shitty beer." Friend Tim Traschel also expressed relief, saying, "Now I can actually go to his house and bring some Michelob without getting a lecture about the low quality of hops in commercial beers."

It Was The Eighth Subscription Card That Convinced Me

Every now and then, I'll pick up a copy of Sports Illustrated, usually when the cover story grabs my interest. But for all the times I've bought SI off the newsstand, I'd never really thought about subscribing. That is, until last Friday, when that eighth subscription card fell out of the issue I was reading. Yes, that was the one that convinced me.

Man Can't Get Police To Care About His Bob Crane Murder Theory

SCOTTSDALE, AZ— Despite his best efforts, Paul Bernardin, 38, has been unable to get the Scottsdale Police Department to care about his theory regarding the unsolved 1978 murder of actor Bob Crane in Scottsdale. "[Bernardin] keeps coming in here saying he knows who killed Col. Hogan," police chief Walter Dunfey said Monday. "Then he usually goes off on how the electrical cord Crane was strangled with doesn't match the ones in the other rooms of the hotel he was in. What am I supposed to do with that information?" Bernardin, Dunfey said, is also convinced that the police possess Crane's infamous stash of self-produced amateur pornography.
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Shame On You, Wynonna Rider

Item! A thief in Hollywood? Say it ain't so! Wynonna Rider, who delighted us in Alien 3, Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael, and 1969, was recently arrested for shoplifting. It's true, loyal readers, they caught her red-handed taking handbags (remember when they used to call them "purses"?) from an expensive Beverly Hills store. Well, let me be the first to say shame on you, Wynonna! I know stars sometimes think they are above the law. (Heck, I'm probably as much to blame as anyone, since I've said stars are better people than us.) But to betray our trust like that! People look up to you, Wynonna. Please, think about the movie fans who hold you dear in their heart before you run off and do something like that again.

Item! Not since the heyday of Men At Work and Yahoo Serious have we been so entertained by Australians. It's Oscar time, and the folks from Down Under are so present in all the major categories, they might have to change the name of the show to the "Oz-cars"! "Toss another shrimp on the barbie" for the following Australian nominees: Bas Lurman, who directed countrymate Nicole Kidman in Lady Marmalade; Peter Jackson, whose The Fellow's Ring gave everyone shivers of excitement; and actor Russell Crowe, who I didn't even know was Australian until just recently. And let's not forget Australiacting legends Mel Gibson and Arnold Schwarzenegger, who aren't nominated but are sure to be there. G'day to all of you! We're going to have to rename Australia "Little Hollywood" soon. Come on, isn't it time we finally just made them a state?

If there's one thing that really puts a dent in the car door of my day, it's parking tickets.

Move over, Barbara Walters and other ladies of The View. The fellas are finally having their say, and you have some pretty stiff competition. It's called The Better Half, and it stars Dick Clark (still looking good after all these years), Danny Partridge, and Screech from Head Of The Class. And I think there's a black guy, too, but I could be wrong. Say, could I get a little nudge from the Harvey Helpers on that one? Thanks!

As long as we're talking talk shows, let's have a hip-hip hooray for Kelly Rip-Rip Ripa! Regis' new co-host recently celebrated one year on the job, and she's exceeded even my own high expectations for her. I never thought anyone could fill Kathie Lee's oversized shoes, but Kelly's done it with her irresistible mixture of charm and spunk.

Is it just me, or is that Ryan Fillapay one mopey character? Every time I see him (which hasn't been a lot lately), he has a frown on his face. I say if you got it, flaunt it, Ryan! Show us that $75,000 smile! You have a lot to smile about. For example, did you know you are married to The Blonde Lawyer star Mason Reese? It's true! THAT should turn your frown upside down.

I may not be the world's biggest expert on oysters, but I do know they shouldn't make me throw up all night.

Have you heard about the scandal at the Olympics? Apparently, some jealous Russian figure skaters stole a gold medal from their victorious Canadian rivals, and then a French judge caught the Canadians trying to steal it back. I say, give both sides a 10... for bad sportsmanship! I used to be a huge figure-skating fan, but that love was wounded when Nancy Harding got her legs broken by that other lady in 1992. Now, after this latest episode of shame, I may never watch again.

Item! Rosie O'Donnell is a lesbian! During a recent stand-up routine, the comedienne extraordinaire went public with her longtime relationship with director and fellow Kmart pitchwoman Penny Marshall. And to think that she was lying all those years when she professed her love for Tom Cruise! Who would have ever expected such a bombshell revelation from a gruff, blockish, WNBA-loving adoptive mother like Rosie? Well, whether you support homosexuality or believe it's an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, you can count on yours truly to bring you all the latest info on Rosie and her celebrity galpal.

A member of N'Sync being launched N'To Outer Space? You read it here! I have it on good authority that one of the lesser members of the mega-popular boy band is going to be sent up into a Russian rocket later this year. No word on who will replace him while he's circling the globe, but my money's on the second one from the left in O-Town.

Item! Here's a brand new feature I'm taking around the block for a test drive called "Didja Know?" It goes something like this:

Didja know Tom Hanks has a son who also acts? He was in a movie set in Florida about oranges or college. The commercial was pretty vague. I can tell you that he is in the movie with comedian Blackjack, who steals the scene as only he can.

Didja know comedian Blackjack is also a rocker?

Didja know there's a new season of Survivor on?

It's all true, people! I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!

So, that's "Didja Know?" I think it could really catch on, but you should let me know if you like it or not. Your feedback could make or break this new wrinkle in the fabric of The Outside Scoop. I'd really appreciate it.

Well, sorry to dish and run, but it's time for me to pack it up yet again. Just to give you an appetizer for next time, I'll let just a touch slip. What do Cybil Shepperd, Martin Landau, and a macaroon have in common? Think it over, and I'll see you next time... on the Outside!

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