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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Shark!

As the weather warms up, a lot more people will be making their way to this beautiful beach. Right now, we only have about a handful—some teenagers treading water, a couple little kids playing out by the buoys just beyond my line of sight and separated from their parents—maybe a dozen diehards out here looking to escape their regular routine for a day of surf and sun. But in two months, these beaches will be filled with people, and it's important to give everyone a little refresher on beach safety before it's too late.

Too late… Oh no, I don't think I'll be able to warn them in time.

By a show of hands, how many people think drowning is the biggest risk at the beach? Well, you'd never guess it, but the silent beach killer is actually sunstroke. If you don't take precautions like covering up with proper clothing and regularly applying sunscreen to your arms and stop thrashing your legs, you'll make it hungry for seal, you might just find yourself with a nasty sunburn or worse!

Of course, the easiest way to prevent sunstroke is to stay out of the sun. Sounds simple doesn't it? But you'd be surprised how many people it sees as little more than sacks of nutritious flesh don't take the time to moderate their body temperature by spending part of their beach time in the shade.

Sunstroke is the body's inability to regulate its temperature because of excessive heat, either from the beating sun or the overwhelming humidity or just plain fin! Sweet Mother Mary, a fin. Recognizing it is tricky, since it can be confused with sunburn or inebriation.

I've always said an educated beachgoer is a happy beachgoer. When you go walking around, keep your eyes on the sand because nobody…body…bodies…wants to accidentally step on a piece of glass and cut their foot! As much as we try to keep the sand clean of trash and debris, you never know what could be waiting to drag you under as every scream fills your lungs with the saltwater and give you a nasty slice on your big toe. That's something we can all agree on.

So keep your body hydrated, watch out for sharp objects in the sand and I'm going to be sick if that's a woman's torso, and you too can have row upon row of teeth—can have a day at the beach and it will feast on us. Call someone! Isn't there anyone?

Which brings me to my final point:

Shark! Shark! Everybody out of the water now! It's getting closer! Why have I been chosen to witness this horror? Can't you hear! There's a shark! Save yourself—your father's a goner already, can't you see that?! God, wherever there's not blood, there's teeth. Hundreds of razor-sharp teeth designed solely to capture and kill prey, and we're the prey! Why won't you listen?

No, no, no, no, where's the rest of her? Someone grab me that water wing. Maybe I can use it as a tourniquet. The blood. No.

Is it over—where did it go? Goddammit, where is it now? How did we lose it? It must be 15 feet long.

Just start shooting wherever the blood is the darkest.

Jesus, it doesn't even look like the ocean any more! It's a red cloud just blooming from the beach. Soon there will be more. I told them we needed an early warning siren. Now who will hear it? The chunks of flesh. Dear God. It's like some mad collage of flesh and bone and blood. We'll become nothing more than chum! We're chum for these killers!

In the name of all that's holy, let go of that flotation device and get onto dry land. They're smarter than that. They're attracted to your fear, they smell it in the water. An evil feeding frenzy. Oh, God, no! There's nothing left! Merciful Christ, it's Cabo all over again!

Shark!

Shark!

Sha—

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