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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Shark!

As the weather warms up, a lot more people will be making their way to this beautiful beach. Right now, we only have about a handful—some teenagers treading water, a couple little kids playing out by the buoys just beyond my line of sight and separated from their parents—maybe a dozen diehards out here looking to escape their regular routine for a day of surf and sun. But in two months, these beaches will be filled with people, and it's important to give everyone a little refresher on beach safety before it's too late.

Too late… Oh no, I don't think I'll be able to warn them in time.

By a show of hands, how many people think drowning is the biggest risk at the beach? Well, you'd never guess it, but the silent beach killer is actually sunstroke. If you don't take precautions like covering up with proper clothing and regularly applying sunscreen to your arms and stop thrashing your legs, you'll make it hungry for seal, you might just find yourself with a nasty sunburn or worse!

Of course, the easiest way to prevent sunstroke is to stay out of the sun. Sounds simple doesn't it? But you'd be surprised how many people it sees as little more than sacks of nutritious flesh don't take the time to moderate their body temperature by spending part of their beach time in the shade.

Sunstroke is the body's inability to regulate its temperature because of excessive heat, either from the beating sun or the overwhelming humidity or just plain fin! Sweet Mother Mary, a fin. Recognizing it is tricky, since it can be confused with sunburn or inebriation.

I've always said an educated beachgoer is a happy beachgoer. When you go walking around, keep your eyes on the sand because nobody…body…bodies…wants to accidentally step on a piece of glass and cut their foot! As much as we try to keep the sand clean of trash and debris, you never know what could be waiting to drag you under as every scream fills your lungs with the saltwater and give you a nasty slice on your big toe. That's something we can all agree on.

So keep your body hydrated, watch out for sharp objects in the sand and I'm going to be sick if that's a woman's torso, and you too can have row upon row of teeth—can have a day at the beach and it will feast on us. Call someone! Isn't there anyone?

Which brings me to my final point:

Shark! Shark! Everybody out of the water now! It's getting closer! Why have I been chosen to witness this horror? Can't you hear! There's a shark! Save yourself—your father's a goner already, can't you see that?! God, wherever there's not blood, there's teeth. Hundreds of razor-sharp teeth designed solely to capture and kill prey, and we're the prey! Why won't you listen?

No, no, no, no, where's the rest of her? Someone grab me that water wing. Maybe I can use it as a tourniquet. The blood. No.

Is it over—where did it go? Goddammit, where is it now? How did we lose it? It must be 15 feet long.

Just start shooting wherever the blood is the darkest.

Jesus, it doesn't even look like the ocean any more! It's a red cloud just blooming from the beach. Soon there will be more. I told them we needed an early warning siren. Now who will hear it? The chunks of flesh. Dear God. It's like some mad collage of flesh and bone and blood. We'll become nothing more than chum! We're chum for these killers!

In the name of all that's holy, let go of that flotation device and get onto dry land. They're smarter than that. They're attracted to your fear, they smell it in the water. An evil feeding frenzy. Oh, God, no! There's nothing left! Merciful Christ, it's Cabo all over again!

Shark!

Shark!

Sha—

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