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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Shark!

As the weather warms up, a lot more people will be making their way to this beautiful beach. Right now, we only have about a handful—some teenagers treading water, a couple little kids playing out by the buoys just beyond my line of sight and separated from their parents—maybe a dozen diehards out here looking to escape their regular routine for a day of surf and sun. But in two months, these beaches will be filled with people, and it's important to give everyone a little refresher on beach safety before it's too late.

Too late… Oh no, I don't think I'll be able to warn them in time.

By a show of hands, how many people think drowning is the biggest risk at the beach? Well, you'd never guess it, but the silent beach killer is actually sunstroke. If you don't take precautions like covering up with proper clothing and regularly applying sunscreen to your arms and stop thrashing your legs, you'll make it hungry for seal, you might just find yourself with a nasty sunburn or worse!

Of course, the easiest way to prevent sunstroke is to stay out of the sun. Sounds simple doesn't it? But you'd be surprised how many people it sees as little more than sacks of nutritious flesh don't take the time to moderate their body temperature by spending part of their beach time in the shade.

Sunstroke is the body's inability to regulate its temperature because of excessive heat, either from the beating sun or the overwhelming humidity or just plain fin! Sweet Mother Mary, a fin. Recognizing it is tricky, since it can be confused with sunburn or inebriation.

I've always said an educated beachgoer is a happy beachgoer. When you go walking around, keep your eyes on the sand because nobody…body…bodies…wants to accidentally step on a piece of glass and cut their foot! As much as we try to keep the sand clean of trash and debris, you never know what could be waiting to drag you under as every scream fills your lungs with the saltwater and give you a nasty slice on your big toe. That's something we can all agree on.

So keep your body hydrated, watch out for sharp objects in the sand and I'm going to be sick if that's a woman's torso, and you too can have row upon row of teeth—can have a day at the beach and it will feast on us. Call someone! Isn't there anyone?

Which brings me to my final point:

Shark! Shark! Everybody out of the water now! It's getting closer! Why have I been chosen to witness this horror? Can't you hear! There's a shark! Save yourself—your father's a goner already, can't you see that?! God, wherever there's not blood, there's teeth. Hundreds of razor-sharp teeth designed solely to capture and kill prey, and we're the prey! Why won't you listen?

No, no, no, no, where's the rest of her? Someone grab me that water wing. Maybe I can use it as a tourniquet. The blood. No.

Is it over—where did it go? Goddammit, where is it now? How did we lose it? It must be 15 feet long.

Just start shooting wherever the blood is the darkest.

Jesus, it doesn't even look like the ocean any more! It's a red cloud just blooming from the beach. Soon there will be more. I told them we needed an early warning siren. Now who will hear it? The chunks of flesh. Dear God. It's like some mad collage of flesh and bone and blood. We'll become nothing more than chum! We're chum for these killers!

In the name of all that's holy, let go of that flotation device and get onto dry land. They're smarter than that. They're attracted to your fear, they smell it in the water. An evil feeding frenzy. Oh, God, no! There's nothing left! Merciful Christ, it's Cabo all over again!

Shark!

Shark!

Sha—

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