adBlockCheck

Show Us The Slurry!

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Show Us The Slurry!

Item! Everybody knows that Tom Cruise and Katie Bosworth had their baby, Slurry. But how come no one has seen it yet? Tom, to use your own words, it's time to show us the money. You may think you're protecting its privacy, but you owe it to the people that made you a star to "show them the baby" so they can make up their minds whether or not little Slurry should be left alone.

I know that song about humps (sung by Princess Fergie, no less) is meant for women, but it's so infectious that I start singing along whenever it comes on, which is a lot more often ever since I got myself the CD! Come on by Casa Harvey for a dancing good time sometime.

I was hearing more and more about this Dane Cook, but couldn't find anything about him. Well, after watching Entourage (I admit it! I'm hooked) one night, I saw that he had a show on about his comedy tour. I gave it a whirl, and you know what? Everyone is right. Dane Cook is an extremely funny man. True, I usually prefer a more family-oriented comedy, but there's room under my tent for all types, from the clean stuff like Robin Williams on talk shows, to the dirtier stuff like Robin Williams before he stopped taking drugs. There's a good joke about relationships…well, you just have to hear it yourself. I won't spoil it. Oh, and he's in a movie with sexy Jessica Simpson? I think I'll be first in line.

It was a sad day when The Crocodile Hunter died, just as he lived, surrounded by a camera crew and lifting up wildlife. I used to crack up my friends by picking up my little Scottie, Dustmop, and saying "Ooh, crikey! Look at the bite on this one!" Now it seems disrespectful. G'bye, mate.

Speaking of the departed, please, take a moment to think about Anna Nicole Smith. Her son just died in Bermuda, while she was there to give birth to a new baby. This must be what they mean when they talk about the circle of life. I just never knew the circle could be so small.

OUT! Eva Longoria. IN! Eva Longoria. I can't make up my mind. Every time I think I've seen more than enough Eva Longoria, a new picture shows up on the magazine racks that blows me away. The only way to figure out when we're tired of her is to keep up the constant hype until we honestly can't stand to see her face!

Item! It looks like not even reality TV could save them. Bobby Brown and Whitney Huston are separating after 14 years, one daughter, and five arrests. Things like this make me worry. If a couple of carefree celebrities who had it all can't make a go of marriage, then what hope do the rest of us have?

A band called "Gnarls Barkley?" Now I've heard everything!

In this time of trouble, what this Christmas needs is a new Will Smith comedy. My copy of Hitch is pretty near worn out. Maybe Santa will deliver?

And along with that, can I add a new Star Jones show to my Christmas wish list? It seems like forever since she's been on television, and while I love Rosie, I still miss that sassy, brassy attorney who would sell ad space on her backside if the price was right.

Oh, and happy Yom Kippur to all of our Jewish readers! (Sorry so late!!!)

Every once in a while, I have to do the unthinkable and pull out an infamous Harvey Halt, in which I tell someone, or something, to cool it! I don't like to do it, especially not publicly, but in this case, I think it can help. The victim this time? Well, I used to be its biggest fan. I'd watch for all the twists, turns, and the cast changes. If I was going to be out of the house, I'd try to record it. Now, I can't even sit through more than five minutes of it. I'm talking about Entertainment Tonight. It's the music. It's way too loud! Turn it down, guys, and maybe, maybe I'll come back.

Well, that's all for this installment of the Scoop. I know, it seems too short, but the Scoop needs to snoop in order to get you enough for the next edition. I'll give you a tease, though: Dom DeLuise, a Subway 12" sub, and a hilariously big mess! Until then, I'll see you, up in lights, opening night…on the outside.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close