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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Item! Everybody knows that Tom Cruise and Katie Bosworth had their baby, Slurry. But how come no one has seen it yet? Tom, to use your own words, it's time to show us the money. You may think you're protecting its privacy, but you owe it to the people that made you a star to "show them the baby" so they can make up their minds whether or not little Slurry should be left alone.

I know that song about humps (sung by Princess Fergie, no less) is meant for women, but it's so infectious that I start singing along whenever it comes on, which is a lot more often ever since I got myself the CD! Come on by Casa Harvey for a dancing good time sometime.

I was hearing more and more about this Dane Cook, but couldn't find anything about him. Well, after watching Entourage (I admit it! I'm hooked) one night, I saw that he had a show on about his comedy tour. I gave it a whirl, and you know what? Everyone is right. Dane Cook is an extremely funny man. True, I usually prefer a more family-oriented comedy, but there's room under my tent for all types, from the clean stuff like Robin Williams on talk shows, to the dirtier stuff like Robin Williams before he stopped taking drugs. There's a good joke about relationships…well, you just have to hear it yourself. I won't spoil it. Oh, and he's in a movie with sexy Jessica Simpson? I think I'll be first in line.

It was a sad day when The Crocodile Hunter died, just as he lived, surrounded by a camera crew and lifting up wildlife. I used to crack up my friends by picking up my little Scottie, Dustmop, and saying "Ooh, crikey! Look at the bite on this one!" Now it seems disrespectful. G'bye, mate.

Speaking of the departed, please, take a moment to think about Anna Nicole Smith. Her son just died in Bermuda, while she was there to give birth to a new baby. This must be what they mean when they talk about the circle of life. I just never knew the circle could be so small.

OUT! Eva Longoria. IN! Eva Longoria. I can't make up my mind. Every time I think I've seen more than enough Eva Longoria, a new picture shows up on the magazine racks that blows me away. The only way to figure out when we're tired of her is to keep up the constant hype until we honestly can't stand to see her face!

Item! It looks like not even reality TV could save them. Bobby Brown and Whitney Huston are separating after 14 years, one daughter, and five arrests. Things like this make me worry. If a couple of carefree celebrities who had it all can't make a go of marriage, then what hope do the rest of us have?

A band called "Gnarls Barkley?" Now I've heard everything!

In this time of trouble, what this Christmas needs is a new Will Smith comedy. My copy of Hitch is pretty near worn out. Maybe Santa will deliver?

And along with that, can I add a new Star Jones show to my Christmas wish list? It seems like forever since she's been on television, and while I love Rosie, I still miss that sassy, brassy attorney who would sell ad space on her backside if the price was right.

Oh, and happy Yom Kippur to all of our Jewish readers! (Sorry so late!!!)

Every once in a while, I have to do the unthinkable and pull out an infamous Harvey Halt, in which I tell someone, or something, to cool it! I don't like to do it, especially not publicly, but in this case, I think it can help. The victim this time? Well, I used to be its biggest fan. I'd watch for all the twists, turns, and the cast changes. If I was going to be out of the house, I'd try to record it. Now, I can't even sit through more than five minutes of it. I'm talking about Entertainment Tonight. It's the music. It's way too loud! Turn it down, guys, and maybe, maybe I'll come back.

Well, that's all for this installment of the Scoop. I know, it seems too short, but the Scoop needs to snoop in order to get you enough for the next edition. I'll give you a tease, though: Dom DeLuise, a Subway 12" sub, and a hilariously big mess! Until then, I'll see you, up in lights, opening night…on the outside.

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