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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Show Us The Slurry!

Item! Everybody knows that Tom Cruise and Katie Bosworth had their baby, Slurry. But how come no one has seen it yet? Tom, to use your own words, it's time to show us the money. You may think you're protecting its privacy, but you owe it to the people that made you a star to "show them the baby" so they can make up their minds whether or not little Slurry should be left alone.

I know that song about humps (sung by Princess Fergie, no less) is meant for women, but it's so infectious that I start singing along whenever it comes on, which is a lot more often ever since I got myself the CD! Come on by Casa Harvey for a dancing good time sometime.

I was hearing more and more about this Dane Cook, but couldn't find anything about him. Well, after watching Entourage (I admit it! I'm hooked) one night, I saw that he had a show on about his comedy tour. I gave it a whirl, and you know what? Everyone is right. Dane Cook is an extremely funny man. True, I usually prefer a more family-oriented comedy, but there's room under my tent for all types, from the clean stuff like Robin Williams on talk shows, to the dirtier stuff like Robin Williams before he stopped taking drugs. There's a good joke about relationships…well, you just have to hear it yourself. I won't spoil it. Oh, and he's in a movie with sexy Jessica Simpson? I think I'll be first in line.

It was a sad day when The Crocodile Hunter died, just as he lived, surrounded by a camera crew and lifting up wildlife. I used to crack up my friends by picking up my little Scottie, Dustmop, and saying "Ooh, crikey! Look at the bite on this one!" Now it seems disrespectful. G'bye, mate.

Speaking of the departed, please, take a moment to think about Anna Nicole Smith. Her son just died in Bermuda, while she was there to give birth to a new baby. This must be what they mean when they talk about the circle of life. I just never knew the circle could be so small.

OUT! Eva Longoria. IN! Eva Longoria. I can't make up my mind. Every time I think I've seen more than enough Eva Longoria, a new picture shows up on the magazine racks that blows me away. The only way to figure out when we're tired of her is to keep up the constant hype until we honestly can't stand to see her face!

Item! It looks like not even reality TV could save them. Bobby Brown and Whitney Huston are separating after 14 years, one daughter, and five arrests. Things like this make me worry. If a couple of carefree celebrities who had it all can't make a go of marriage, then what hope do the rest of us have?

A band called "Gnarls Barkley?" Now I've heard everything!

In this time of trouble, what this Christmas needs is a new Will Smith comedy. My copy of Hitch is pretty near worn out. Maybe Santa will deliver?

And along with that, can I add a new Star Jones show to my Christmas wish list? It seems like forever since she's been on television, and while I love Rosie, I still miss that sassy, brassy attorney who would sell ad space on her backside if the price was right.

Oh, and happy Yom Kippur to all of our Jewish readers! (Sorry so late!!!)

Every once in a while, I have to do the unthinkable and pull out an infamous Harvey Halt, in which I tell someone, or something, to cool it! I don't like to do it, especially not publicly, but in this case, I think it can help. The victim this time? Well, I used to be its biggest fan. I'd watch for all the twists, turns, and the cast changes. If I was going to be out of the house, I'd try to record it. Now, I can't even sit through more than five minutes of it. I'm talking about Entertainment Tonight. It's the music. It's way too loud! Turn it down, guys, and maybe, maybe I'll come back.

Well, that's all for this installment of the Scoop. I know, it seems too short, but the Scoop needs to snoop in order to get you enough for the next edition. I'll give you a tease, though: Dom DeLuise, a Subway 12" sub, and a hilariously big mess! Until then, I'll see you, up in lights, opening night…on the outside.

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