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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Show Us The Slurry!

Item! Everybody knows that Tom Cruise and Katie Bosworth had their baby, Slurry. But how come no one has seen it yet? Tom, to use your own words, it's time to show us the money. You may think you're protecting its privacy, but you owe it to the people that made you a star to "show them the baby" so they can make up their minds whether or not little Slurry should be left alone.

I know that song about humps (sung by Princess Fergie, no less) is meant for women, but it's so infectious that I start singing along whenever it comes on, which is a lot more often ever since I got myself the CD! Come on by Casa Harvey for a dancing good time sometime.

I was hearing more and more about this Dane Cook, but couldn't find anything about him. Well, after watching Entourage (I admit it! I'm hooked) one night, I saw that he had a show on about his comedy tour. I gave it a whirl, and you know what? Everyone is right. Dane Cook is an extremely funny man. True, I usually prefer a more family-oriented comedy, but there's room under my tent for all types, from the clean stuff like Robin Williams on talk shows, to the dirtier stuff like Robin Williams before he stopped taking drugs. There's a good joke about relationships…well, you just have to hear it yourself. I won't spoil it. Oh, and he's in a movie with sexy Jessica Simpson? I think I'll be first in line.

It was a sad day when The Crocodile Hunter died, just as he lived, surrounded by a camera crew and lifting up wildlife. I used to crack up my friends by picking up my little Scottie, Dustmop, and saying "Ooh, crikey! Look at the bite on this one!" Now it seems disrespectful. G'bye, mate.

Speaking of the departed, please, take a moment to think about Anna Nicole Smith. Her son just died in Bermuda, while she was there to give birth to a new baby. This must be what they mean when they talk about the circle of life. I just never knew the circle could be so small.

OUT! Eva Longoria. IN! Eva Longoria. I can't make up my mind. Every time I think I've seen more than enough Eva Longoria, a new picture shows up on the magazine racks that blows me away. The only way to figure out when we're tired of her is to keep up the constant hype until we honestly can't stand to see her face!

Item! It looks like not even reality TV could save them. Bobby Brown and Whitney Huston are separating after 14 years, one daughter, and five arrests. Things like this make me worry. If a couple of carefree celebrities who had it all can't make a go of marriage, then what hope do the rest of us have?

A band called "Gnarls Barkley?" Now I've heard everything!

In this time of trouble, what this Christmas needs is a new Will Smith comedy. My copy of Hitch is pretty near worn out. Maybe Santa will deliver?

And along with that, can I add a new Star Jones show to my Christmas wish list? It seems like forever since she's been on television, and while I love Rosie, I still miss that sassy, brassy attorney who would sell ad space on her backside if the price was right.

Oh, and happy Yom Kippur to all of our Jewish readers! (Sorry so late!!!)

Every once in a while, I have to do the unthinkable and pull out an infamous Harvey Halt, in which I tell someone, or something, to cool it! I don't like to do it, especially not publicly, but in this case, I think it can help. The victim this time? Well, I used to be its biggest fan. I'd watch for all the twists, turns, and the cast changes. If I was going to be out of the house, I'd try to record it. Now, I can't even sit through more than five minutes of it. I'm talking about Entertainment Tonight. It's the music. It's way too loud! Turn it down, guys, and maybe, maybe I'll come back.

Well, that's all for this installment of the Scoop. I know, it seems too short, but the Scoop needs to snoop in order to get you enough for the next edition. I'll give you a tease, though: Dom DeLuise, a Subway 12" sub, and a hilariously big mess! Until then, I'll see you, up in lights, opening night…on the outside.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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