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Sing A Happy Tune

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Sing A Happy Tune

My nurse gave me a particularly cleansing enema to-day, and now I feel rather giddy and as light as a soap-bubble. What to do? Hunt pheasant? Dance a jig? I know! Let us sing a gay round!

In the days before those newfangled zoetrope-machines, my family and I would sit in our little rough-hewn sod dug-out and entertain one another with rounds. My father and mother would lead, followed by myself, my sister Ida Lucretia and, finally, my baby brother E. Ulysses. The joyful noise we used to make! But then, Ida Lucretia died of the gangrene-fever, and E. Ulysses succumbed to the quinsy. Suddenly, our rounds were not as melodious as they once were. Will you indulge a poor pitiful old man and join with him in the singing of a favorite round he has not heard in well over a century?

But which round should we sing? Wait, I have a perfect one in mind, "Doctor, Doctor, My Horse Is Sick." If you are not familiar with it, worry not: It has the same melody as "Soldier, Soldier, Will You Marry Me?" I will begin the round, and the eastern half of the Republic will take it up as I start the second verse. The States extending west from the Cumberland Gap to the Mississippi will then follow, with the States and Unorganized Territories of the West going last. Is every-one ready? One, two, three:

Doctor, doctor, my horse is sick

No longer will he neigh

"Give him whiskey and iodine

And mix it in his hay"

Dammit, eastern half of the Republic, you missed your cue! How is the Middle West and the Wild West supposed to join in at the proper time? Let us try again. I will now sing the second stanza, and be sharp this time!

Doctor, doctor, my horse, he does swoon

"Go to the shop and buy him a spoon"

Doctor, doctor, I fear he is dead

"Then buy him a very nice coffin instead"

Stop! Stop the song! That was terrible! I am quite sure I was the only one singing just then. Either you are all insolent imbeciles deserving of a sound whipping, or you are foreign immigrants unschooled in rounds. You immigrants are destroying this Republic from within! I knew I should have supported the Know-Nothings in the elections!

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