Sing A Happy Tune

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What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Healthy Living

Sing A Happy Tune

My nurse gave me a particularly cleansing enema to-day, and now I feel rather giddy and as light as a soap-bubble. What to do? Hunt pheasant? Dance a jig? I know! Let us sing a gay round!

In the days before those newfangled zoetrope-machines, my family and I would sit in our little rough-hewn sod dug-out and entertain one another with rounds. My father and mother would lead, followed by myself, my sister Ida Lucretia and, finally, my baby brother E. Ulysses. The joyful noise we used to make! But then, Ida Lucretia died of the gangrene-fever, and E. Ulysses succumbed to the quinsy. Suddenly, our rounds were not as melodious as they once were. Will you indulge a poor pitiful old man and join with him in the singing of a favorite round he has not heard in well over a century?

But which round should we sing? Wait, I have a perfect one in mind, "Doctor, Doctor, My Horse Is Sick." If you are not familiar with it, worry not: It has the same melody as "Soldier, Soldier, Will You Marry Me?" I will begin the round, and the eastern half of the Republic will take it up as I start the second verse. The States extending west from the Cumberland Gap to the Mississippi will then follow, with the States and Unorganized Territories of the West going last. Is every-one ready? One, two, three:

Doctor, doctor, my horse is sick

No longer will he neigh

"Give him whiskey and iodine

And mix it in his hay"

Dammit, eastern half of the Republic, you missed your cue! How is the Middle West and the Wild West supposed to join in at the proper time? Let us try again. I will now sing the second stanza, and be sharp this time!

Doctor, doctor, my horse, he does swoon

"Go to the shop and buy him a spoon"

Doctor, doctor, I fear he is dead

"Then buy him a very nice coffin instead"

Stop! Stop the song! That was terrible! I am quite sure I was the only one singing just then. Either you are all insolent imbeciles deserving of a sound whipping, or you are foreign immigrants unschooled in rounds. You immigrants are destroying this Republic from within! I knew I should have supported the Know-Nothings in the elections!