adBlockCheck

Recent News

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sir, I’d Like To Ask For Your Daughter’s Hand Helping Me Move This Couch

Thank you so much for coming, Mr. Dugan. You’re no doubt wondering why I asked you here, and, well, there’s a very important matter I’d like to discuss with you man-to-man. As you know, Samantha is an amazing, wonderful woman. I’ve never met anyone quite like her, to be honest, and I know I never will. And that, sir, is why I’d very much like to ask for your daughter’s hand in helping me move my couch.

Before you respond, I want you to know that I wouldn’t be here right now if I wasn’t absolutely sure about this. I can say with 100 percent certainty that when I move my three-seat sectional sofa from my current apartment to my next one, I want your daughter beside me. Knowing I have your blessing as we join together in carrying my couch out of my living room, down two flights of stairs, and out to the curb where we’ll then load it into a rental van—well, that would just mean the world to me.

I understand if you have reservations. She’s your little girl, after all. But I’ve thought this through very carefully, and believe me when I say I can’t see a future for myself that doesn’t involve a moving day with Samantha.

Sure, moving that couch won’t always be easy. You never know what challenges and struggles await around that next corner, but we’ll learn to navigate each of them, together, even that really tight turn from my living room into the hall. There may be hard times when getting my couch outside and into the back of the van seems impossible, but I want to be with your daughter through it all—the good and the bad. If that means hoisting the couch up onto its side and tilting it a bit before sliding it through the door frame, or taking 30 minutes to figure out how to detach the chaise from the rest of the couch so we can carry that part separately, then so be it.

I promise you, sir, no matter how hard things get, we’ll always find a way to make moving this piece of furniture work.

Of course, we’d love to have you and Mrs. Dugan with us as we embark upon this journey together. We’re thinking the big day will probably be around May 31, when my current lease is up. Sir, I can’t tell you how happy it would make me to be eagerly waiting by the doorway as you and Samantha walk up the hallway together, arms clasped around the gray fabric sofa I bought from Ikea eight months ago. And as you watch us drive off en route to the new apartment I got that’s a bit closer to where I work, I hope you’ll realize how grateful I am to have shared that day with your daughter—and you too.

Since the moment I knew I’d be moving, I’ve dreamt of dropping down on one knee, looking Samantha in the eye, and saying “You ready?” before we both lifted the couch together on the count of three. I know we’re ready for this, but I understand if you want some time to think about it before conferring your blessings upon your daughter and me.

That being said, sir, she’s already two months pregnant, so we should try and do this as soon as possible.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close