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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Sir, You're Going To Have To Ask Me To Leave

Excuse me, sir. I said, excuse me, but I'm afraid you'll need to ask me to lower my voice. This is a respectable department store, and my behavior, quite frankly, is disturbing the other customers. If I can't keep it down, you're going to have to ask me to take my business elsewhere.

Sir, really, you simply cannot tolerate someone waving his arms around and shouting obscenities in your store. I need to get a hold of myself or else take it outside.

Look, I'm yelling at the top of my lungs, and it's very rude. Surely I realize that. Why can't I pull myself together and stop knocking over the sale racks and shoe displays? The whole store is staring at me. This is absurd. You don't have to stand for this.

What is that smell? My God, sir. I absolutely reek of alcohol. There are children present, for heaven's sake! Have I no shame? You're running a family-friendly store here, and I can't just fondle the mannequins and make lewd comments to the salesgirls with my pants off. There are laws against that kind of thing.

Look at myself. I am acting like a complete fool in the middle of—ugh! How dare I spit on you? I, sir, am a foul, obnoxious pig! I ought to be disgusted with myself. My conduct is simply despicable.

Wait, what am I doing? Stop me! I must put down this perfume. I must put it down right now. It is for paying customers only. Hey, get my hands off that! Oh, for God's sake, I'm spilling it all over the place. Great. Terrific. There, I emptied the bottle. Am I happy with myself? Huh? Am I?

Would somebody please call the police already? I am out of control.

Come on, you don't deserve this kind of treatment. You work way too hard, day after day, to have to put up with some crazed buffoon coming into the store and making a scene. I'd better believe you're not just going to sit there and take this from me.

Is that the police? Oh, thank God. Finally.

Officer, you need to escort me from the premises immediately. I've been ranting and raving like a madman and terrifying the customers. They have no idea what's wrong with me, but I'm clearly intoxicated and they just can't get me to leave. Please, do something about me.

Don't bother calling for backup. I'm hammered out of my mind and can barely stand. Look at me! Just force me to the floor and pat me down. Hold me still, I'm squirming all over the place. Damn it, if I'd just relax for two seconds, you could get these cuffs on. Oh, for the love of…. Am I a total degenerate? Is that it? Because now, on top of everything else, you have to cite me for public urination.

Look out, I'm breaking free! I'm making a run for it! Officer, after me! After me! I'm getting away! Somebody stop me! Block the exit!

Damn it, it's too late. I got away. Did anybody get a good look at my face? Crazy bastard. Let's just hope I never come back.

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