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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Sir, You're Going To Have To Ask Me To Leave

Excuse me, sir. I said, excuse me, but I'm afraid you'll need to ask me to lower my voice. This is a respectable department store, and my behavior, quite frankly, is disturbing the other customers. If I can't keep it down, you're going to have to ask me to take my business elsewhere.

Sir, really, you simply cannot tolerate someone waving his arms around and shouting obscenities in your store. I need to get a hold of myself or else take it outside.

Look, I'm yelling at the top of my lungs, and it's very rude. Surely I realize that. Why can't I pull myself together and stop knocking over the sale racks and shoe displays? The whole store is staring at me. This is absurd. You don't have to stand for this.

What is that smell? My God, sir. I absolutely reek of alcohol. There are children present, for heaven's sake! Have I no shame? You're running a family-friendly store here, and I can't just fondle the mannequins and make lewd comments to the salesgirls with my pants off. There are laws against that kind of thing.

Look at myself. I am acting like a complete fool in the middle of—ugh! How dare I spit on you? I, sir, am a foul, obnoxious pig! I ought to be disgusted with myself. My conduct is simply despicable.

Wait, what am I doing? Stop me! I must put down this perfume. I must put it down right now. It is for paying customers only. Hey, get my hands off that! Oh, for God's sake, I'm spilling it all over the place. Great. Terrific. There, I emptied the bottle. Am I happy with myself? Huh? Am I?

Would somebody please call the police already? I am out of control.

Come on, you don't deserve this kind of treatment. You work way too hard, day after day, to have to put up with some crazed buffoon coming into the store and making a scene. I'd better believe you're not just going to sit there and take this from me.

Is that the police? Oh, thank God. Finally.

Officer, you need to escort me from the premises immediately. I've been ranting and raving like a madman and terrifying the customers. They have no idea what's wrong with me, but I'm clearly intoxicated and they just can't get me to leave. Please, do something about me.

Don't bother calling for backup. I'm hammered out of my mind and can barely stand. Look at me! Just force me to the floor and pat me down. Hold me still, I'm squirming all over the place. Damn it, if I'd just relax for two seconds, you could get these cuffs on. Oh, for the love of…. Am I a total degenerate? Is that it? Because now, on top of everything else, you have to cite me for public urination.

Look out, I'm breaking free! I'm making a run for it! Officer, after me! After me! I'm getting away! Somebody stop me! Block the exit!

Damn it, it's too late. I got away. Did anybody get a good look at my face? Crazy bastard. Let's just hope I never come back.

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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