adBlockCheck

Recent News

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sitting Through This Boring Murder Trial Should Be Punishment Enough

I've heard all killers think this, but I really believed I was going to get away with it. Well, if I knew what was in store for me at the courthouse, I might have thought twice before offing that family. Day after day, hour after hour, there's more of the same tedious examining and cross-examining. And don't even get me started on Judge Sominex up there. I tell you, sitting through this boring murder trial should be punishment enough.

It's cruel and unusual the way prosecution goes on...and on...and on. I knew it wasn't going to be like it is on TV, or in my juvenile animal-cruelty busts. But I had no idea it was going to take this long. Is there no such thing as mercy? I thought I had committed my crime in a state without capital punishment, but I swear this trial has been designed to bore me to death.

In addition to prosecuting me for the murder of my idiot neighbors, this damn district attorney's in a politically sensitive position that requires him to capture the public interest. "Blah blah, I now introduce into evidence People's Exhibit Number 89, a wooden yardstick, blah blah, this will take 20 minutes for some reason, Your Honor." And I didn't even use Number 89 as a weapon, or to force my way into my neighbors' house, or even to beat their dog to death. It was present at the scene, I think—sorry, but I drifted off in the middle of the presentation—and I guess it has my prints on it or some blood spatter or some fibers or something. But come on! There was a .38 caliber revolver and a spade involved, too. Don't you think they could cut to the chase?

And my pro bono counsel is not helping. I asked him what the hold-up is, and he said the prosecution is trying to be thorough in establishing a chronology and a chain of evidence. Yeah, I could tell they were being thorough when they spent two hours establishing that I did, in fact, live next door to my victims. Sorry, "alleged victims."

Can I get a cup of black coffee over here?

Listen to this, if you have the stamina: "As a matter of fact, Your Honor, there was a real accusatory instrument in effect at the time, being my client's charge under Section 130, Sodomy with a Minor, so his absolute right to counsel had therefore been violated. It follows that anything said, even under the perception of Miranda waiver in connection with any other matter, does not alter the fact of the violation in the face of Absolute Right to Conviction, so whatever came from that is absolutely inadmissible on technical grounds." And that's my own lawyer! You try to sit through this stuff for seven hours straight. I demand this time be subtracted from what I'm guessing will be multiple life sentences.

Come on. Let's wrap this up.

Then there's the prosecution, who should have a pretty easy job since I kind of skipped the cover-my-tracks phase: "Even with a Miranda oversight, those rights are not considered a constitutional guarantee, but are merely meant to guard against self-incriminatory statements made involuntarily. Furthermore, even intentional violations of Miranda which result in evidentiary discovery do not render said admissions inadmissible."

Bo-ring!

It doesn't have to be this way. I mean, human beings were brutally and methodically butchered, for God's sake. That's nothing to yawn about. Let's get on to the crime-scene photos. That'll be enough to wake the jury up and make sure they never sleep soundly again.

Well, I regret nothing—except for pleading "not guilty" and dragging this thing out. Next time I'll know better.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close