Sitting Through This Boring Murder Trial Should Be Punishment Enough

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Vol 39 Issue 28

Bush Not Heard From For Over A Month

WASHINGTON, DC—Beltway insiders and members of the media expressed concern Monday that President Bush has not been heard from for nearly five weeks. "I hope he's okay," said Secretary of State Colin Powell. "It's just like him to go off on a fishing trip to Alaska or something and not tell anyone. Which is fine. I mean, he's the president and can do what he wants and all that, but we kind of need to wrap up this whole Liberia thing we started." White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan admitted that he was unclear about the president's whereabouts, but figured he must be "off somewhere busy with something."

Hot New Secretary Of Transportation To 'Shake Up' U.S. Highways

WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference announcing the replacement of Norman Mineta, vivacious new Secretary of Transportation Kyla Damon unveiled plans Tuesday to "shake up" U.S. highways. "You think you've seen negotiation and implementation of international transportation agreements and the issuance of regulations to prevent alcohol and illegal-drug misuse in U.S. transportation systems?" Damon said. "Well, think again!" Damon added that her first order of business would be to "say so long to that dusty old fossil known as the Federal Highway Administration."

Area Man Overly Proud Of Never Wearing Underwear

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Local record-store clerk Greg Oertel, 23, seems inordinately proud that he never wears underwear, Oertel's coworkers told reporters Tuesday. "I've heard Greg mention about 10 times that he never wears underwear," coworker Jake Hannah said. "He acts like he doesn't care what we think about it, but I'm beginning to suspect he does." According to his friends, Oertel insists that he gets hot when he wears underwear, so he "just doesn't bother," and that "it's no big deal." 

Widower Misses Sex With Dead Wife Terribly

SCOTTSBLUFF, NE—Nearly one year after a car accident claimed the life of wife Sarah, Lloyd Monreal still misses having sex with her "more than I can say," the 44-year-old reported Tuesday. "Even now, every room in the house reminds me of the times we had sex in it," Monreal said, fighting back tears. "I don't care if 40 years go by. I'll never forget her breasts, her ass, those thighs." In honor of the anniversary, Monreal will eat a quiet dinner at home, after which he will take out a box of old photographs and perform a one-hour masturbation vigil by candlelight.

Man Trapped Under Boulder Braces For Possible Good Morning America Interview

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Rock climber Scott Prichard, 31, who has spent the last 48 hours with his legs pinned under a boulder on Glacier Point, is reportedly bracing himself for a possible interview on Good Morning America. "God, Charles Gibson, that chubby weatherman with the wisecracks," a sweat- and urine-soaked Prichard said. "I pray Diane Sawyer doesn't ask me if I wanted to climb the Point 'because it was there.' I just would not be able to stomach that kind of inane chit-chat." Prichard then passed out from the intense pain. 

Troops To Stay In Iraq

U.S. military officials recently announced that thousands of soldiers will remain in Iraq for longer than previously stated. What do you think?
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Sitting Through This Boring Murder Trial Should Be Punishment Enough

I've heard all killers think this, but I really believed I was going to get away with it. Well, if I knew what was in store for me at the courthouse, I might have thought twice before offing that family. Day after day, hour after hour, there's more of the same tedious examining and cross-examining. And don't even get me started on Judge Sominex up there. I tell you, sitting through this boring murder trial should be punishment enough.

It's cruel and unusual the way prosecution goes on...and on...and on. I knew it wasn't going to be like it is on TV, or in my juvenile animal-cruelty busts. But I had no idea it was going to take this long. Is there no such thing as mercy? I thought I had committed my crime in a state without capital punishment, but I swear this trial has been designed to bore me to death.

In addition to prosecuting me for the murder of my idiot neighbors, this damn district attorney's in a politically sensitive position that requires him to capture the public interest. "Blah blah, I now introduce into evidence People's Exhibit Number 89, a wooden yardstick, blah blah, this will take 20 minutes for some reason, Your Honor." And I didn't even use Number 89 as a weapon, or to force my way into my neighbors' house, or even to beat their dog to death. It was present at the scene, I think—sorry, but I drifted off in the middle of the presentation—and I guess it has my prints on it or some blood spatter or some fibers or something. But come on! There was a .38 caliber revolver and a spade involved, too. Don't you think they could cut to the chase?

And my pro bono counsel is not helping. I asked him what the hold-up is, and he said the prosecution is trying to be thorough in establishing a chronology and a chain of evidence. Yeah, I could tell they were being thorough when they spent two hours establishing that I did, in fact, live next door to my victims. Sorry, "alleged victims."

Can I get a cup of black coffee over here?

Listen to this, if you have the stamina: "As a matter of fact, Your Honor, there was a real accusatory instrument in effect at the time, being my client's charge under Section 130, Sodomy with a Minor, so his absolute right to counsel had therefore been violated. It follows that anything said, even under the perception of Miranda waiver in connection with any other matter, does not alter the fact of the violation in the face of Absolute Right to Conviction, so whatever came from that is absolutely inadmissible on technical grounds." And that's my own lawyer! You try to sit through this stuff for seven hours straight. I demand this time be subtracted from what I'm guessing will be multiple life sentences.

Come on. Let's wrap this up.

Then there's the prosecution, who should have a pretty easy job since I kind of skipped the cover-my-tracks phase: "Even with a Miranda oversight, those rights are not considered a constitutional guarantee, but are merely meant to guard against self-incriminatory statements made involuntarily. Furthermore, even intentional violations of Miranda which result in evidentiary discovery do not render said admissions inadmissible."

Bo-ring!

It doesn't have to be this way. I mean, human beings were brutally and methodically butchered, for God's sake. That's nothing to yawn about. Let's get on to the crime-scene photos. That'll be enough to wake the jury up and make sure they never sleep soundly again.

Well, I regret nothing—except for pleading "not guilty" and dragging this thing out. Next time I'll know better.

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