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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Sitting Through This Boring Murder Trial Should Be Punishment Enough

I've heard all killers think this, but I really believed I was going to get away with it. Well, if I knew what was in store for me at the courthouse, I might have thought twice before offing that family. Day after day, hour after hour, there's more of the same tedious examining and cross-examining. And don't even get me started on Judge Sominex up there. I tell you, sitting through this boring murder trial should be punishment enough.

It's cruel and unusual the way prosecution goes on...and on...and on. I knew it wasn't going to be like it is on TV, or in my juvenile animal-cruelty busts. But I had no idea it was going to take this long. Is there no such thing as mercy? I thought I had committed my crime in a state without capital punishment, but I swear this trial has been designed to bore me to death.

In addition to prosecuting me for the murder of my idiot neighbors, this damn district attorney's in a politically sensitive position that requires him to capture the public interest. "Blah blah, I now introduce into evidence People's Exhibit Number 89, a wooden yardstick, blah blah, this will take 20 minutes for some reason, Your Honor." And I didn't even use Number 89 as a weapon, or to force my way into my neighbors' house, or even to beat their dog to death. It was present at the scene, I think—sorry, but I drifted off in the middle of the presentation—and I guess it has my prints on it or some blood spatter or some fibers or something. But come on! There was a .38 caliber revolver and a spade involved, too. Don't you think they could cut to the chase?

And my pro bono counsel is not helping. I asked him what the hold-up is, and he said the prosecution is trying to be thorough in establishing a chronology and a chain of evidence. Yeah, I could tell they were being thorough when they spent two hours establishing that I did, in fact, live next door to my victims. Sorry, "alleged victims."

Can I get a cup of black coffee over here?

Listen to this, if you have the stamina: "As a matter of fact, Your Honor, there was a real accusatory instrument in effect at the time, being my client's charge under Section 130, Sodomy with a Minor, so his absolute right to counsel had therefore been violated. It follows that anything said, even under the perception of Miranda waiver in connection with any other matter, does not alter the fact of the violation in the face of Absolute Right to Conviction, so whatever came from that is absolutely inadmissible on technical grounds." And that's my own lawyer! You try to sit through this stuff for seven hours straight. I demand this time be subtracted from what I'm guessing will be multiple life sentences.

Come on. Let's wrap this up.

Then there's the prosecution, who should have a pretty easy job since I kind of skipped the cover-my-tracks phase: "Even with a Miranda oversight, those rights are not considered a constitutional guarantee, but are merely meant to guard against self-incriminatory statements made involuntarily. Furthermore, even intentional violations of Miranda which result in evidentiary discovery do not render said admissions inadmissible."

Bo-ring!

It doesn't have to be this way. I mean, human beings were brutally and methodically butchered, for God's sake. That's nothing to yawn about. Let's get on to the crime-scene photos. That'll be enough to wake the jury up and make sure they never sleep soundly again.

Well, I regret nothing—except for pleading "not guilty" and dragging this thing out. Next time I'll know better.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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