adBlockCheck

Recent News

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

Smoove Is Not A Fan Of Valentine's Day

A word of warning: The following column could very well blow your mind. Smoove urges you to read it with the utmost caution.

We are coming upon a time, known as Valentine's Day, that makes Smoove very uneasy. Most people must consider this holiday synonymous with Smoove and his seductive ways. But if the truth be told, Smoove does not much care for St. Valentine's Day. Not at all.

Before today, the only person that knew this about me was my main man Darnell.

This is, undoubtedly, a shock to my readers, who worship me as a king of seduction. I know from the letters I get that many of the men who read my column use my moves and words to aid them in making their own Valentine's Day a little more special. And to them, I say, stop biting on my styles. For serious, you don't steal another man's seductive moves and pass them off as your own. This column is not a giveaway. This column allows you to observe a serious player play. That is all. Get your own skills.

Damn.

Now, let's take a step back and examine why I don't like what many people consider the "love holiday." Valentine's Day is for me much like St. Patrick's Day is for serious drinkers, or like Easter is for professional egg colorists: an annoying day filled with amateurs and wannabes. It is so clogged with fools fumbling over their romantic overtures that it's next to impossible for those who can really make it happen to shine.

Just trying to get the freshest, most succulent strawberries to dip in melted artisan chocolate can be a total nightmare on Valentine's Day. I have spent hours in shops searching for fruit that meets my exacting standards, until I've grow so frustrated that I'm forced to come up with an alternate solution. You see, Smoove invented hand-feeding chocolate-covered fruit to ladies back in 1987, and he rightfully feels that he should have first dibs on these items.

Nor can Smoove ever rent a pure white limo or horse-drawn carriage on Valentine's Day. How are you supposed to get from one place to another in a seductive and impressive way if these things are not at your disposal? This wasn't always an issue. Smoove's friend Raoul down at the garage used to hold something seductive for me during the Valentine's rush because he knew that I would use it correctly and the scent of love would permeate the vehicle, giving it a rich sexy musk that would last the entire year.

However, Raoul hasn't been working the garage as much since he contracted leukemia in 2006, so a fine vehicle is no longer guaranteed on this supposedly romantic day.

Despite these inconveniences, the main reason Smoove does not like Valentine's Day is that women always expect their men to bump up their game on that night. Now, that makes sense if you are dating a man who is not Smoove. If your romantic output normally hovers around 5 or 10 percent, then increasing that number to 20 percent is a sensible thing. However, what the ladies don't realize is that I'm like a romance test pilot. I'm already pushing the romantic envelope every single evening. So if you try to push it any harder, the love jet will not be able to handle the strain and will go spinning wildly out of control.

To put it another way, if you were to receive the full brunt of my seduction, you would lose your mind. Right now there is a woman in a hospital who has been in a persistent satisfied but vegetative state ever since a young Smoove decided to give it his romantic all. She could not handle the pleasure she was receiving, and her mind shut down, even though her body was still very fine.

You see, Smoove has, over time, been able to finely calibrate how much seduction a woman can handle before she loses her mind without literally losing her mind. Ladies always ask to try and handle the full Smoove, but each time I slowly shake my head, thinking of that smiling woman in the hospital hooked up to all those machines and knowing I must never do that again.

This is why I have chosen to opt out of Valentine's Day. Most assume that I have romantic plans that are simply beyond their comprehension, so my not being at the finest restaurant or club goes unquestioned. Most assume that I am instead at an impossibly exotic island resort or in France giving lessons to the locals on how to romance the ladies. The truth is, I'm using that time to catch up on my correspondence or get my massage oils in order.

For Smoove cannot get down with Valentine's.

The one good thing is the post–Valentine's Day sales. The discounts on silk sheets, flowers, and erotic toys can be deep, and if you are smart about it, you can stock up for the rest of the year.

Smoove Out.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close