adBlockCheck

So Far It Looks Like I've Done A Pretty Good Job Faking My Death

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

So Far It Looks Like I've Done A Pretty Good Job Faking My Death

Well, it's been nearly two decades now, and I just have to laugh: I honestly never thought I'd be able to pull it off, but here we are in 2010, and everyone in the world continues to believe that I, Michael Landon, beloved star of American television, died in 1991. Heh. I guess I've done a pretty bang-up job faking my death so far, wouldn't you say?

Shoot, I figured I'd be good at this whole pretending-to-be-dead thing, but not this good!

The funny thing is, I haven't heard a single person insinuate that I might still be alive and well, living in New Mexico. I get such a kick out of that! You'd think somebody would have caught on by now, especially since I haven't exactly gone to any great lengths to conceal my identity. All it takes is a baseball cap, some eyeglasses, and this red jacket I picked up, and I can walk around anywhere. I can go grocery shopping, or sit in a café and watch the people go by uninterrupted. Jesus Christ, I even went to my pal Merlin Olsen's funeral back in March and not a soul recognized me! It was great.

Now, I know what you're thinking: Why would Michael Landon, who has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and who appeared on network TV almost every week for 30 years, ever want to fake his own death? It just doesn't make any sense, right? But see, that's the beauty of the whole deal—it makes absolutely no goddamn sense at all. It's a completely ridiculous concept; hence, no one suspects a thing.

I remember when I first began noodling around with the idea of faking my own death back in the mid-'80s. You remember me then: Mr. Ingalls on Little House On The Prairie; Jonathan Smith on Highway To Heaven; all that junk. Anyway, I'm sitting in the Palm Restaurant in Los Angeles, and just out of the blue, I say to myself, "Hey, Mike, do you really want to be on TV Guide covers for the rest of your life, or do you want to live free and unencumbered and have a life of your own damn choosing?"

Cut to four years later and I'm procuring a homeless man's corpse, disguising it in a wig made from years' worth of my own hair clippings, and going on The Tonight Show to ask everyone to pray for me.

Man alive, when I re-watch that clip, I think, "Landon, that was the best performance you ever gave."

And you know, staging your demise isn't anywhere near as hard as you might think. All you need to do is grease a few wheels down at the coroner's office with a couple signed Melissa Gilbert headshots, and you've got all the death certificates and autopsy reports you'll ever need, no questions asked. Then it's bing, bang, boom, next thing you know you're starting up that little landscaping business you've always wanted and finally learning how to fly-fish.

Sure, the whole fake-death thing was hard on my family, but they got through it. Plus, it was so moving to watch all the tributes and Bonanza marathons, and to read all the obituaries lauding my noble spirit. Yes, sir, America was pretty torn up after they thought I had died. That was pretty cool to see.

But that's all ancient history. I've got a new family and a new life now. Me and my girl, Ling, have our own little place outside Santa Fe, and my business is doing great. Michael Landon's Landscaping, I call it. It's nothing fancy, but it's good, honest work that makes a man feel whole. It's a nice life I've got. A little gardening in the morning, do the crossword over lunch, maybe swing the wrenches down at the driving range with Jim Henson or John Denver, and then top the day off with an evening cocktail or three.

Not too bad, if I do say so myself. Not too bad at all.

Anyway, I'd better get going, the little lady is expecting me back by dinner. But would you mind doing me a favor? Could you keep this fake-death conversation to yourself for a bit? Just for a few years, until I show up on the Little House 30-year reunion special and just absolutely blow everyone's mind.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close