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Somebody Should Do Something About All the Problems

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Somebody Should Do Something About All the Problems

Why isn't anyone doing anything about all the problems? We're living in a time with super computers and underwater sea stations and million-dollar laboratories. And still, everyday when I watch the TV news shows I see all sorts of problems!

What are the scientists doing with all that technology? Just sitting on their patoots? Just yesterday there was another plane crash. Isn't that what we have radar for? Why isn't someone taking care of that?

And then there's all those people starving. You can't tell me that we can't figure out a way to feed them. What about all those high-energy vitamin supplements I read about? And what about the dehydrated space food? Someone has got to start putting this information to good use.

Somebody should get on the stick and start using all those high-powered electronic microscopes to cure cancer, that's what I think. There must be someone making money off of these diseases.

So many people are dying in the world. We have laser surgery, don't we? Isn't somebody using that? They put a baboon heart in a human, you know. They can make body parts out of plastic and put little camera probes in your body. Then why are there so many people dying?

All this technology—robots, big machines, atomic power—and still they say we are in an energy crisis. Why isn't anyone working on a better way to make electricity? You should see my bill every month. Here we are in the most powerful country in the world and I can't afford to run my air conditioner so I could get one night of good rest once in awhile.

They have all those space-age plastics and superconductors just sitting in a lab somewhere, but last week they tell me my muffler is rusted through. So now I roar and rattle down the street sounding like a tank division.

Who is going to start making something decent? What about everything I read in Time?

It's a downright shame. Is there no morality in science? Last night I tried to have a barbecue on my back patio and I ran inside before the spicy shish-kabobs were even half-grilled because of the mosquitoes. With all that chemical engineering going on today, with all that military technology, I should at least be able to sip a sloe gin and sour without getting run out of my own yard by something smaller than my fingernail!

And now I have shingles again. With the hundreds of thousands of doctors all over this world, you are telling me that not one of them can do anything about this pain? It's killing me. This is the 20th century, isn't it? We put a man on the moon, and I can't find an hour of relief from the swelling? Can't someone assign a team to this problem and get something done for once?

Then there's the fact that my kids never visit me. Here I sit all alone wondering when they'll come. We have jet planes that break the sound barrier, but Ginny can't make it from Elk Grove once a month so I can see my own flesh and blood? The Hubble sent down pictures of the galaxy, but I have yet to see my granddaughter's fourth-grade school portraits!

They build a wall across China and a thousand years later I'm still putting up with my neighbor's pine trees dropping cones all over my front lawn! Isn't this a democracy? Have we stood still since Rome?

I hear jabber-jabbering about the discovery of new subatomic particles. What good is a quark to me? Three and a half minutes it takes to cook a bag of microwave popcorn. Three and a half minutes!

Someone is spending a billion dollars a minute to send radio messages into space, and I have to choke down a bag of Pop-Secret kernels that are only half buttered, some not even popped to full puff. God, I pray for a future when the inventor is the friend of mankind.

DNA fingerprinting—that's what they're doing now. And still strawberries at Bergmann's are $2.99 a quart. It's ludicrous. It's as if we live in the Dark Ages.

Cloned genes and fiber optics, but the cat still goes into heat and scratches up my new mahogany coffee table. I kicked that thing as hard as I could with my good leg and it still came back screeching and wagging its fanny like a Broadway showgirl.

Isn't there something someone can do about that? I'm sure with all the vaccines and hybrid cells and carbon dating equipment we've got today someone can take a minute to whip up a pill I can force down Pumpkin's throat so I have one decent thing in this shoebox house that I worked like a dog at the phone company for 27 years in order to afford.

These are the good years for me? Huh! I'm still watering my flowers and hosing off my driveway. Where is the fiber optics in that? How's superconductivity helping me when my new cotton housedress shrank up to nothing the first time I put it in the dryer? I see all the technology they talk about on the television and I ask you, who's doing anything with it? No one, and it's a dirty rotten shame.

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