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Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Somebody Should Make A Movie About My Life

I was thinking the other day, and I know it probably sounds, you know, just crazy, but I thought, you know, as irrational and dysfunctional as I am, I'll bet that, if the right filmmaker got involved, maybe somebody could make a movie dramatizing various aspects of my life. Now, just hear me out, I think I'm onto something here.

There's a lot about me that audiences would find very amusing. I'm, I think, an intelligent, only-somewhat self-hating Jew who's obsessed with sex, whose various neuroses and insecurities could lead to any number of mixups and character complications. There have been some pretty funny things that have happened in my life. You could even fictionalize some of it if you wanted to. That might work. Either way, I think there's a lot of good material.

I'm talking kind of an overall "triumphs and tribulations of the daily lives of various New York intellectuals as they go about their daily lives" kind of a thing. I've thought of a title, and if I may, it's a little self-indulgent, I know, but don't use it if you don't like it. It's Woody: Allen. Think of it as Citizen Kane meets a corned-beef sandwich.

I live in New York City, so any film about my life could feature beautiful shots of the Manhattan skyline, Central Park, the Upper West Side. I know some great locations and would be happy to jot them down if you're interested.

The movie could open in a sheer white room, and let's say God and I are jousting, verbally. God asks me, "Do you think you should be admitted into Heaven, or Hell?" And I tell him, "I'll go wherever you want as long as I can use the car-pool lane."

This scene, as well as many others I could probably think of, conveys very well, I think, my preoccupation with death, and shows that, in a way, that our time on Earth is totally meaningless, which is one of the central themes of all the great dramatic stories.

Then you could cut to an older me, played by myself, having a dispute with the younger me, played by myself, about whether or not I should engage in sexual intercourse with a beautiful young philosophy grad student. Eventually, I decide to sleep with her because she reminds me, in the heat of the moment, that if I don't "get on with it already" I'll be late for a dental appointment.

It might be interesting to show audiences where my insecurities and neuroses come from. A scene depicting me as a young boy being harangued by my Jewish parents around the dinner table could be played for great comic effect. Or, you could flashback to my bar mitzvah. I'm chanting my Haftorah portion, really belting it out, you know, and suddenly my father walks out because I fail to sustain the high note longer than Saul Rifkin's son. I look over to the rabbi for comfort, but he's been replaced by Marshall McLuhan, who, speaking directly to the camera, tells everyone that my bar mitzvah isn't a very hot medium, and that in gym class last week I had been unable do a single pull-up.

Possibly a good framing device for this picture, and I'm just throwing this out there, could be my various meetings with my analyst. This would allow me to really illustrate to audiences that I have, you know, inner doubts and problems with human contact. So, I meet my analyst, Feldman—a strict Freudian—at a hole-in-the-wall delicatessen on the Upper West Side that only three people know about: me, Feldman, and a sexy college co-ed, who is only made sexier by her hankering for exotic herring.

These are just a few ideas. There are all sorts of themes from my life that could be utilized as cinematic material. The whole artist whose early, more slapstick efforts brought him great success, but whose desire to be taken more seriously leads him to emulate Bergman and Fellini to the dismay of his former fans, setting off a series of comic, yet deeply poignant insecurities about the meaning of life as an artist. That's a rich thematic vein, if I do say so myself. You could structure the film around that sort of inner dilemma. Or just the whole "What is the role of the artist in an age when mediocrity is rewarded by the mainstream" question.

Actually, there's probably enough material to make more than one movie about my life, but, my God, look at me. Let's not get all, you know, optimistic.

Either way, there could be a film in this. A funny one. It's a mixture of character humor and some solid Borscht Belt-style gags. It might not break any box-office records with today's audiences, who are all absolute philistines, but I have a feeling it would do respectable business in Manhattan, and some quarters in Europe.

Oh, and I would be willing to appear in such a movie, you know, if you needed an actor.

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