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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me

Our country faces a moment of extreme crisis. We stand at the verge of an utter breakdown of our economy, our government, and our way of life. Democracy itself is at a crossroads, and without proper guidance, the United States of America will face grave times ahead. During this period of great tumult, someone needs to step in and fix these complex and enormous problems, and when it comes to the question of who is truly up to this task, I think we can all agree that person is—hands down and without question—me, Michele Bachmann.

Look at it logically for a minute. Of the 300 million people in the United States, who stands out as the one most capable of uniting a divided country and fixing a fractured Congress? Talk about a no-brainer. With my track record of urging white people to take back America, attending a church that believes the pope is the Antichrist, and advocating "conversion therapy" as a means to cure homosexuality, I'm clearly the only legitimate choice to become the next leader of the free world.

You know it and I know it.

It's just a plain and simple fact: When you close your eyes and think, "President of the United States of America," whose face immediately pops into your mind? Of course it's mine. After all, this is the face of a woman who instills confidence in the entire populace by having no understanding of basic American history and making a huge public outcry over a proposed change in lightbulbs.

We all know the outcome of this election is a foregone conclusion, and I personally wish we could just get it over with already so I could get to work abolishing the minimum wage and making sure public schools start teaching creationism.

Who, other than me, would you prefer to have leading high-level talks on the economy, or making the final decision as to whether or not the United States should invade another country? I certainly can't think of anyone else. Can you? Clearly, fixing the trade deficit, working with the president of China to foster a cordial, mutually beneficial relationship, and leading the strongest military on earth is what I was born to do. It's just so easy to picture me doing all those things. And while I admit there are some jobs I perhaps wouldn't be right for, I think we all agree what I can do is fix everything that is wrong with this country, all at once.

Let's look at the facts: I started my political career by praying on sidewalks and blocking women from entering abortion clinics. I have said on the floor of the House of Representatives that carbon dioxide is a "natural by- product of nature" and thus nothing to worry about. I've frequently misled voters about my family background, falsely claimed our health care system is the finest in the world, and suggested a McCarthy-esque witch hunt be conducted in order to root out members of Congress who are un-American.

If you weren't on board before reading those stellar credentials, do I even have to ask now? Just imagine a world in which I am the nation's 45th president. Doesn't that give you peace of mind and assurance that everything will finally be all right?

Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, Kennedy, Bachmann. Some things just make sense. Washington led this country to its independence. FDR guided the United States through the Great Depression and World War II. And I've suggested teachers could use The Lion King in their classrooms as an example of gay propaganda.

If anyone can bring dignity to the White House, I think we can unequivocally say it's me.

Picture it: It's late January, there's a joint session of Congress, and the House doorkeeper guy says the words, "Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States." Can you possibly conceive of anyone other than myself entering that chamber—the same place where Franklin Delano Roosevelt addressed the country after Pearl Harbor—and delivering the State of the Union, a speech listened to by the entire global community? Could there be any better signal to the rest of the world that the United States is a country to be taken seriously? And is there really anyone else you would rather have standing behind a podium reserved for the planet's most powerful human being?

That's what I thought.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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