Someday, Son, All This Cheap Crap Will Be Yours

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Someday, Son, All This Cheap Crap Will Be Yours

Son, your mother and I worked hard to build a safe and comfortable home for you. And we hope to pass it all on to you someday.

As I roam the grounds of our half-acre estate, the sight of all these items makes me swell with pride. You, of course, are my crown jewel, but every jewel deserves its elegant setting, and it comforts me to know that you'll always have a place to go home to and a foam-filled chintz davenport with unmatching faux-leopard plush throw to sit on.

Yes, Ray Jr., one day I intend to pass it all to you. As my scion and heir, you deserve no less. Now, I know that there's a lot of parents in this neighborhood who completely intend to put the family home up once their children have graduated from college and moved out. Not us. Your mom and I want our legacy to endure well past our lifetimes. That plastic kitchen wastebasket has been in our family for years, and with us it shall remain.

Drink it in, son, for the lordly Talbot estate will be yours someday. The soiled Igloo cooler. The scum-encrusted toothbrush holder. The kitchen breakfast-nook stools with the ripped vinyl seats. My La-Z-Boy, also ripped. And your mother's collection of used Renuzit air fresheners. Yes, I know it's sort of eccentric of her, saving these things long after they've been spent up, but she likes the conical shape. You don't have to keep them, but it would be a good way to show her you love her.

You shall never want for a spoon rest, son, for there it is, over by the animal-shaped cookie jar. What is that supposed to be, anyway? A bear, or a dog? Perhaps an ape? Remember how it used to scare you as a child, perhaps because its blood-red tongue was sticking out? Well, I hope you've gotten over your fear, because it's an heirloom now.

Behold, son—the electric mug-warmer. The faded and discolored living-room curtains. The cabinet stuffed with plastic grocery bags.Your mother's various hair pieces and falls. The plastic-ball exerciser that your hamster, Bo Jackson, once so enjoyed. All yours, even the mysterious device that I believe might be a rock polisher, but I'm not sure. I leave it to you, son.

I wasn't entirely accurate when I said that your mother and I started with nothing. My boy, those pressboard bookshelves once belonged to my father. I remember the day he gave them to us. He said to me, "If only I had more to give you." I did my damndest to fill those shelves with as many Time-Life books and supermarket encyclopedias as I could, such that they might droop under the weight of books unread. And now I pass them down to you son.

Well, Ray Jr., I wasn't going to give you this until the day your first child was born, but I feel it's right to let you have it now. Yes, it is my old laundry basket. May you long fill it with with soiled tube socks.

And now, son, let us raise a toast to your glorious, secure future with our Coneheads collectors' cups.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close