adBlockCheck

Somehow, We'll Middle-Manage

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Somehow, We'll Middle-Manage

Times are tough, no question. There have been more layoffs in the past six months here at ProVantage Solutions than in the previous five years combined. Salaries have not increased to match inflation. Revenues have fallen off sharply. I do not need to tell you that the road ahead looks long and dark. But be brave, my friends: There is light at the end of the tunnel. Through it all, somehow, we will middle-manage.

I have tentatively scheduled a meeting for Monday the 29th for the purpose of compiling and preparing a report on potential strategies we might implement to ameliorate the situation. I can't say for certain if we will get the conference room for that day, as Doug is hoping to use it for an exploratory committee meeting on the possibility of upgrading the company from ISO 9000 to 9001, but I've put in my request. If we can't get it, my goal is to definitely meet by Wednesday the 31st, the latest.

That meeting, actually, is the main reason I have called all of you here today. This is the informal meeting that precedes the formal one on the 31st. We could hypothetically have the formal meeting now, but Sharon is out of the office, and I'd really like to have her at the formal.

But to summarize my message in advance of the larger meeting, I want to say that we will face long, hard days in the coming months, days when we feel that the company will collapse at our feet. Days of tribulation and jammed copiers, days of seemingly insurmountable middle-management crises. Resolving the System 9 upgrade dispute between accounting and tech alone will take many long meetings, reports, and memoranda.

You will all have crosses to bear. Ruth, I know how badly you wanted to hire an assistant to handle the night deposit and miscellaneous filing. God in Heaven knows you deserve that much. But it will unfortunately have to wait. All the years you've been here, through every challenge and setback, you've always middle-managed, and I just know you'll do it now, too.

Kenny–brave, brave project coordinator Kenny–you have committed tremendous time and energy to streamlining interdepartmental communications, presenting the systemic improvements in report form, and getting that report stamped by all the department heads. Even on those days when you worked until you looked like you'd drop, you would always walk that extra hallway to get Dave from Human Resources' okay. How I wish you could finally get your own cubicle and computer instead of just the desk in Larry's office. But for the time being, you'll middle-manage to get through the lean times just like the rest of us.

By tightening our belts, ProVantage Solutions will pull through these dark times. We will weather the storm with dignity and strength. Though we shall scribble memos with cost-cutting Bic Round Stics rather than the Uniball Visions we once enjoyed, we shall scribble them proudly. If we must, we will cut Post-It notes in half and write that much smaller. Even if we must use a single paperclip to hold 40 sheets together, we will scrimp and conserve every resource, right down to the last ebony particle of toner.

No one employee can bear the burden that is upon us alone. No temp worker could shoulder this great weight. You cannot outsource courage. But as a team, we will prevail. And in the process, we will learn a great deal about ourselves and how to resolve office crises in a swift and non-disruptive manner.

Exactly what will change, precisely what will deliver us from this long, dark night, I cannot say. But we must have faith, faith that we will middle-manage against all odds. Faith that we will keep this company running smoothly and maintain open avenues of communication between departments. Faith that the decisions made by the board of directors will be implemented in a timely and efficient manner. We have the mettle to put other departments to shame. We will not actually do this, because it would be bad for company morale, but make no mistake, we could.

And if any of you find the weight too heavy, if you feel yourself slipping, if you see no relief in sight, you know my e-mail address and should always feel free to articulate your concerns and remit them to me. Just make sure not to do so between 6 p.m. Wednesday and 6 a.m. Thursday, because the server will be down for maintenance.

We will do all of this, and we will be rewarded one day. There will be a tomorrow, and it will be bright, filled with company picnics and after-work get-togethers at J.P. McMuggery's. Company nights at Zany's Comedy Club shall come again. And there will one day be smiles around the water cooler. The laughter of children will fill these halls one glorious Take Your Daughter To Work Day. And there will be Christmas parties and Casual Fridays. And, when the storm clouds have gone and the sun has returned, there will be new, young employees who know not of these dark days.

But until such a time comes, let us turn our faces toward the soft, comforting glow of the Xerox machine and know in our hearts that if we can middle-manage just a little while longer, better days lie ahead.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close