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It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Cover Letter Writing Tips

While a résumé can display your past work experiences, a cover letter is your chance to show prospective employers who you really are and what you bring to the table. Here are The Onion’s tips for writing a memorable cover letter

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Working From Home Vs. Working In An Office

While the digital age allows for the freedom to work from home, many people find the communal environment of an office more productive. The Onion provides a side-by-side comparison of the two options.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Pope Nervous For Annual Performance Review With God

VATICAN CITY—Saying he’s appeared uneasy and distracted while delivering masses in recent days, Vatican insiders reported Wednesday that His Holiness Pope Francis is “getting pretty anxious” about his upcoming annual performance re...

Employee Wishes He Had Enough Job Security To Voice Opinion

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would never jeopardize what little standing he has within the company by making any waves, Crystalpoint Systems junior sales associate Josh Morris told reporters Wednesday that he doesn’t have enough job security to actu...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living

MILWAUKEE—Explaining with a deep sense of self-delusion that his job provides a “perfect outlet” for both his creative and analytic sides, BTX Communications employee Matthew Krueger confirmed to reporters Thursday that he does exactly w...

Man Under Impression He Went Down Fighting

LOVELAND, CO—Asserting that he’d given a recent work project everything he had but that it wasn’t quite enough, local office worker Tom Janssen is currently under the impression that he went down fighting, sources reported Monday.

Employer Totally Botches Job Interview

EVANSVILLE, IN—Worrying aloud that he came across as fidgety and unassertive, local executive Greg Bricker confided to reporters Monday that he completely bombed his latest interview with a prospective employee.

Dad Knows Guy At Work Whose Son Plays Triple-A

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Noting that the topic has been brought up at dinner several times this week, household sources confirmed Tuesday that local father Adam Pitzer works with a guy whose son plays Triple-A baseball.

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...
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Workplace

Somehow, We'll Middle-Manage

Times are tough, no question. There have been more layoffs in the past six months here at ProVantage Solutions than in the previous five years combined. Salaries have not increased to match inflation. Revenues have fallen off sharply. I do not need to tell you that the road ahead looks long and dark. But be brave, my friends: There is light at the end of the tunnel. Through it all, somehow, we will middle-manage.

I have tentatively scheduled a meeting for Monday the 29th for the purpose of compiling and preparing a report on potential strategies we might implement to ameliorate the situation. I can't say for certain if we will get the conference room for that day, as Doug is hoping to use it for an exploratory committee meeting on the possibility of upgrading the company from ISO 9000 to 9001, but I've put in my request. If we can't get it, my goal is to definitely meet by Wednesday the 31st, the latest.

That meeting, actually, is the main reason I have called all of you here today. This is the informal meeting that precedes the formal one on the 31st. We could hypothetically have the formal meeting now, but Sharon is out of the office, and I'd really like to have her at the formal.

But to summarize my message in advance of the larger meeting, I want to say that we will face long, hard days in the coming months, days when we feel that the company will collapse at our feet. Days of tribulation and jammed copiers, days of seemingly insurmountable middle-management crises. Resolving the System 9 upgrade dispute between accounting and tech alone will take many long meetings, reports, and memoranda.

You will all have crosses to bear. Ruth, I know how badly you wanted to hire an assistant to handle the night deposit and miscellaneous filing. God in Heaven knows you deserve that much. But it will unfortunately have to wait. All the years you've been here, through every challenge and setback, you've always middle-managed, and I just know you'll do it now, too.

Kenny–brave, brave project coordinator Kenny–you have committed tremendous time and energy to streamlining interdepartmental communications, presenting the systemic improvements in report form, and getting that report stamped by all the department heads. Even on those days when you worked until you looked like you'd drop, you would always walk that extra hallway to get Dave from Human Resources' okay. How I wish you could finally get your own cubicle and computer instead of just the desk in Larry's office. But for the time being, you'll middle-manage to get through the lean times just like the rest of us.

By tightening our belts, ProVantage Solutions will pull through these dark times. We will weather the storm with dignity and strength. Though we shall scribble memos with cost-cutting Bic Round Stics rather than the Uniball Visions we once enjoyed, we shall scribble them proudly. If we must, we will cut Post-It notes in half and write that much smaller. Even if we must use a single paperclip to hold 40 sheets together, we will scrimp and conserve every resource, right down to the last ebony particle of toner.

No one employee can bear the burden that is upon us alone. No temp worker could shoulder this great weight. You cannot outsource courage. But as a team, we will prevail. And in the process, we will learn a great deal about ourselves and how to resolve office crises in a swift and non-disruptive manner.

Exactly what will change, precisely what will deliver us from this long, dark night, I cannot say. But we must have faith, faith that we will middle-manage against all odds. Faith that we will keep this company running smoothly and maintain open avenues of communication between departments. Faith that the decisions made by the board of directors will be implemented in a timely and efficient manner. We have the mettle to put other departments to shame. We will not actually do this, because it would be bad for company morale, but make no mistake, we could.

And if any of you find the weight too heavy, if you feel yourself slipping, if you see no relief in sight, you know my e-mail address and should always feel free to articulate your concerns and remit them to me. Just make sure not to do so between 6 p.m. Wednesday and 6 a.m. Thursday, because the server will be down for maintenance.

We will do all of this, and we will be rewarded one day. There will be a tomorrow, and it will be bright, filled with company picnics and after-work get-togethers at J.P. McMuggery's. Company nights at Zany's Comedy Club shall come again. And there will one day be smiles around the water cooler. The laughter of children will fill these halls one glorious Take Your Daughter To Work Day. And there will be Christmas parties and Casual Fridays. And, when the storm clouds have gone and the sun has returned, there will be new, young employees who know not of these dark days.

But until such a time comes, let us turn our faces toward the soft, comforting glow of the Xerox machine and know in our hearts that if we can middle-manage just a little while longer, better days lie ahead.

Workplace

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Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

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