adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm The Only One Who Gives A Shit About Rich, Lustrous Hair

Today I saw a woman whose hair had incredible potential. With a little effort and the help of quality hair-care products, she could have had glorious, bountiful locks—the kind any man, woman, or child would kill for. I do not exaggerate when I say she had a head of hair that was a gift from God. But it was all a tragic waste, because atop her head sat a nest of horrors: flyaways, frizz, dry ends. Pure natural beauty ruined by pure neglect.

At times like this, I often stop and ask myself: Am I the only person left in the world who still gives a shit about rich, lustrous hair?

Even at the headquarters of Pantene, a 65-year-old institution dedicated to shampooing and conditioning, I see the erosion of this basic aesthetic value. Many of my colleagues arrive at work each day with limp, lifeless hair. This at a company dedicated to creating pro-vitamin formulas that moisturize hair and, within a week, strengthen it by up to 99 percent!

Yet I realize the parade of sad, oily heads through my workplace is merely symptomatic of a larger trend—part of a culture in which people no longer give a flying fuck about undoing the damage caused by everyday brushing, blow-drying, and styling.

What kind of world is this? What happened to shimmer? What happened to shine? The hair I see these days belies any true commitment to natural glow and gloss. Do I have to ascend Mount Everest and shout, “People, let’s come together and make our hair salon-quality again!” Because if that will fix this epidemic—and that’s exactly what this is, an epidemic—I’ll do it. I’ll book a flight to the Himalayas right now.

Apparently things have gotten so bad our nation can’t even drag itself into the shower to rejuvenate its hair with a simple application of Pantene Moisture Renewal 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. We have things down to a one-step solution. We’ve made it easy, for God’s sake—a single product that repairs chemically damaged hair, prevents breakage, and provides root-to-tip protection with lightweight body boosters and vital nutrients such as lipids, which weatherproof your hair at the cuticle, where it counts.

Are you listening? I just said lipids! In case you didn’t know, lipids coat your goddamn hair and protect it from the elements. How many times do I need to say this? The fact that I even have to tell you this at all is the real problem. In fact, it is the only problem, as far as I’m concerned.

Do you not want gorgeous fucking hair? Is that it? And if you don’t want gorgeous hair, could you ask yourself if you might be mentally insane?

This generation literally has at its fingertips the most advanced restorative hair-care formulas ever devised—rich, thick, full-bodied formulas—yet when I look around I don’t see long, cascading tresses glinting in sunlight. I don’t see the bouncing, carefree curls I dream about each night. No, I see heads topped by slovenly patches of something I hesitate even to call hair. I see tortured strands pulled back in ponytails so tight it’s a wonder they don’t rip out every follicle on a person’s head.

More and more, I feel like the last voice of reason in a world gone wrong, as if I’m on the front lines of finding perfect shampoo/hair-type matches, but it is a battle I must fight alone. Do people not realize that when they look good, they feel good? Do they not realize that studies have shown the human face, when combined with healthy-looking, beautiful hair, takes on a new composition and balance, and is more likely to be perceived as attractive?

Regardless, what kind of asshole doesn’t want a marvelous head of luxurious, flowing hair?

As for me, personally, I’ll be fine. I treat my hair with the respect it deserves. However, if the rest of you want to go through your lives with hair that isn’t the least fucking bit sassy or stylish, that’s your choice. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you if, after years of mistreatment, that flat, dull stringy substance covering your flaky scalp has made you completely revolting.

However, if that does happen, remember that whatever your hair type, Pantene has a product that’s right for you. I refer you to our website.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close