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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

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Sometimes I Feel Like I'm The Only One Who Gives A Shit About Rich, Lustrous Hair

Today I saw a woman whose hair had incredible potential. With a little effort and the help of quality hair-care products, she could have had glorious, bountiful locks—the kind any man, woman, or child would kill for. I do not exaggerate when I say she had a head of hair that was a gift from God. But it was all a tragic waste, because atop her head sat a nest of horrors: flyaways, frizz, dry ends. Pure natural beauty ruined by pure neglect.

At times like this, I often stop and ask myself: Am I the only person left in the world who still gives a shit about rich, lustrous hair?

Even at the headquarters of Pantene, a 65-year-old institution dedicated to shampooing and conditioning, I see the erosion of this basic aesthetic value. Many of my colleagues arrive at work each day with limp, lifeless hair. This at a company dedicated to creating pro-vitamin formulas that moisturize hair and, within a week, strengthen it by up to 99 percent!

Yet I realize the parade of sad, oily heads through my workplace is merely symptomatic of a larger trend—part of a culture in which people no longer give a flying fuck about undoing the damage caused by everyday brushing, blow-drying, and styling.

What kind of world is this? What happened to shimmer? What happened to shine? The hair I see these days belies any true commitment to natural glow and gloss. Do I have to ascend Mount Everest and shout, “People, let’s come together and make our hair salon-quality again!” Because if that will fix this epidemic—and that’s exactly what this is, an epidemic—I’ll do it. I’ll book a flight to the Himalayas right now.

Apparently things have gotten so bad our nation can’t even drag itself into the shower to rejuvenate its hair with a simple application of Pantene Moisture Renewal 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. We have things down to a one-step solution. We’ve made it easy, for God’s sake—a single product that repairs chemically damaged hair, prevents breakage, and provides root-to-tip protection with lightweight body boosters and vital nutrients such as lipids, which weatherproof your hair at the cuticle, where it counts.

Are you listening? I just said lipids! In case you didn’t know, lipids coat your goddamn hair and protect it from the elements. How many times do I need to say this? The fact that I even have to tell you this at all is the real problem. In fact, it is the only problem, as far as I’m concerned.

Do you not want gorgeous fucking hair? Is that it? And if you don’t want gorgeous hair, could you ask yourself if you might be mentally insane?

This generation literally has at its fingertips the most advanced restorative hair-care formulas ever devised—rich, thick, full-bodied formulas—yet when I look around I don’t see long, cascading tresses glinting in sunlight. I don’t see the bouncing, carefree curls I dream about each night. No, I see heads topped by slovenly patches of something I hesitate even to call hair. I see tortured strands pulled back in ponytails so tight it’s a wonder they don’t rip out every follicle on a person’s head.

More and more, I feel like the last voice of reason in a world gone wrong, as if I’m on the front lines of finding perfect shampoo/hair-type matches, but it is a battle I must fight alone. Do people not realize that when they look good, they feel good? Do they not realize that studies have shown the human face, when combined with healthy-looking, beautiful hair, takes on a new composition and balance, and is more likely to be perceived as attractive?

Regardless, what kind of asshole doesn’t want a marvelous head of luxurious, flowing hair?

As for me, personally, I’ll be fine. I treat my hair with the respect it deserves. However, if the rest of you want to go through your lives with hair that isn’t the least fucking bit sassy or stylish, that’s your choice. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you if, after years of mistreatment, that flat, dull stringy substance covering your flaky scalp has made you completely revolting.

However, if that does happen, remember that whatever your hair type, Pantene has a product that’s right for you. I refer you to our website.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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