Sometimes I Think I Have ESP!

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Vol 33 Issue 25

Hero Lawyer Uses Technicality To Free Guilty Man

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Kenneth Michael Rafferty was set free Tuesday thanks to the heroism of attorney Morgan Schechter, who discovered a loophole in California arraignment procedure that made Rafferty's July 20 sentencing for armed robbery invalid. "I owe my freedom to Morgan Schechter," a teary-eyed Rafferty told reporters following his release. "If not for him, I would be facing the prospect of 30 years in prison for a crime I did commit."

Man Takes Free Thing He Doesn't Want

MESA, AZ—Despite a complete lack of interest in skin moisturization, area electrician Drew Shymanski took a complimentary six-ounce sample bottle of new Pond's Extra-Soft moisturizing lotion from a company representative while walking home Monday. "I don't know, it was free," Shymanski said of the no-obligation sample. Upon returning home, Shymanski put the lotion in his bathroom cabinet, where it will remain unopened for seven years.

Report: 98 Percent Of Americans Afraid Of 98 Percent Of Americans

WASHINGTON, DC—An ABC News/Washington Post poll released Tuesday revealed that 98 percent of Americans live in fear of a full 98 percent of other Americans. "Between the criminal element, salesmen, religious zealots, alcoholics, minorities, immigrants, fast-driving teens, employers and panhandlers, a total of 49 in 50 Americans present a fearsome image to the vast majority of their fellow citizens," the report read. Newborn babies, the elderly and the infirm are believed to comprise the non-feared 2 percent.

A Day At The Senior Center

Last Thursday, I woke to discover enormous clothes-moths flapping about my bed-chamber. Horrified, I screamed for Standish, who valiantly tried to slay the winged brutes with a can of Flit. It was soon determined that other rooms were similarly besieged with moths, and that the entire mansion had to be evacuated for fumigation.
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Sometimes I Think I Have ESP!

I don't know about you, but I've always been tempted to call one of those psychic phone lines. After all, who wouldn't want to know what's going to happen to them in the future? (But then I made a prediction of my own: If hubby Rick saw all those 900 numbers on our next phone bill, my own future would be pretty brief!)

But seriously, sometimes I think I could get a job at one of those psychic places, because I'm certain that I have ESP! Not all the time, mind you--it kind of comes and goes. I'd almost forgotten about it, too, until just last night. I was watching QVC and their doll segment was on, and after about half an hour, I began to wonder why they hadn't shown any Marie Osmond dolls. Then--I swear this is true--just as I completed this thought, Judy, the QVC host, said, "If you've been watching for a while, you may be wondering why we have no Marie Osmond dolls for sale today. Well, yesterday, on our gifts-and-collectibles segment, we sold out of all of them, the demand was just so overwhelming."

I just about fell out of my chair! I mean, it was just soooo uncanny! After all, I had been watching for a while, and I am a big fan of those Marie Osmond dolls. (They have painted faces like little clowns!) It was as if Judy and I shared some sort of telepathic link! And it was psychic, as well, because I had anticipated it before it actually happened!

Okay, okay, you're probably thinking, "There's no such thing as ESP and psychic readings and all that supernatural junk." Well, lest you think your old pal Jean has gone off the deep end, ask yourself this question: How many times has your astrological forecast come true? If you're like me, you know that it comes true at least half the time. That may not sound convincing to you, but if you consider that an astrologer predicts what will happen during your day based on the movements of stars and planets millions of miles away and can do so with over 50 percent accuracy, you have to admit there's something to it! (I don't pretend to know everything, but I truly believe there are things science can't explain.)

If you still think I'm nuts, here's another example of my ESP. One afternoon, about three years ago, I was driving to the Pamida to buy some potpourri aerosol, and, all of a sudden, a voice inside said to me: Don't go to the Pamida. Go to Wal-Mart instead. It was like a really strong gut instinct, and without really thinking about it, I made a U-turn and started off for Wal-Mart.

Soon, I was cursing myself for being so foolish: After all, why would I need to avoid the Pamida? Besides, it took me about 10 miles out of my way, and I got stuck in rush-hour traffic to boot. Anyhow, I got home just in time for the 6 o'clock news, which hubby Rick was watching in the living room. The anchorwoman was saying that a three-car wreck had occurred at the intersection of Stansky Avenue and Weymouth Road--right where the Pamida is located! And it had happened about an hour and a half prior--the exact time I decided to turn back and drive to Wal-Mart! I just about had a heart attack!

I just had to tell hubby Rick what my inner voice had said. "Can you imagine what would have happened if I had ignored it?" I said. Rick, ever Mr. Sentimental, just took a swig from his can of beer and replied, "If you have that female intuition, how come you've never picked the winning Powerball numbers?" He didn't even care that I could have been badly injured, or even killed, had my ESP not kicked in when it did! I should have known better than to try to impress the old grouch! (Rick, being a gearhead, believes more in STP than ESP!)

Like I said before, I think my intuition comes and goes. It's not a consistent thing. Also, I don't think I truly have the skill to predict what will happen to other people. For example, you could have knocked me over with a feather when I found out that my cousin Michelle was divorcing her hubby Brad! Their wedding was just about the most beautiful I had ever attended! And I was certain that my brother Kevin's wife Paula was going to have another girl, but, sure enough, it was a boy!

Because I don't really have any other special talents, I have come to consider my ESP a gift from God. Sometimes I wish I could actually use my ESP to help people. Like, for example, I wish I could have somehow let Princess Di know that she should take it easy and stay home more, and not see that Dodi person. On the other hand, I'm kind of glad I don't have ESP all the time, because part of the fun of life is its unpredictability. (So please, don't send me any mail asking me to predict your future! But I'll be glad to accept fan mail--and anonymous gifts of chocolate!)

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