adBlockCheck

Sometimes I Wish I'd Never Been Born Again

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Sometimes I Wish I'd Never Been Born Again

Brothers and sisters, I'd like to share something with you today. Won't you let the Good News of Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ into your life? Awww, who am I kidding? Even if you did, I'd just get in the way and mess things up.

Here is the Word: I have a stupid and pitiful life in Christ. Believe me, no one would care and nothing would be affected if I'd never been born again—not even the Lamb Of God Himself.

Ever since the day I was baptized, I've been bringing this whole flock down. Maybe I should've let them hold my head in the baptismal pool a little bit longer. It's not like they would have objected. Truth be told to you, it's all too obvious that they're only pretending to love me because the Lord told them to.

I know Jesus said He loves everyone, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if He really meant "everyone but Clarissa Eamon."  You can't hide your complete and total lameness from Christ. In fact, Our Lord would be the first to know, wouldn't He?

I can accept that I'm a sinner. I can accept that He is the Light, the Truth, and the Way. What I can't accept is that I'm such an utter failure in His eyes.

Sure, I have brought a lot of new souls to Christ since I've been reborn, but none of them were any good. When I think of all that Christ has done for me, a wave of misery washes over me. After all, He gave his life so that we all may attain eternal salvation. What have I done? I haven't witnessed for shit.

Jesus must totally hate me.

I know that His yoke is easy and His burden light, but I can't help feeling that I'm a big part of that burden. After all, the New Testament was written a couple thousand years before any of the Apostles came across the likes of me. In my Bible reading, I don't recall Him ever saying, "Blessed are the boring, the losers, the wasters of space." I know my Scripture, and I know that Jesus never said anything about the dumbasses inheriting the earth. Yeah, there's only one set of footprints in the sand, and they belong to Jesus—bolting away from me at top speed.

There's not a doubt in my mind when I tell you that the biggest mistake Jesus ever made was coming into my heart. No matter what I do, or what I've done, I just won't cut it in the new kingdom of Heaven. Our Father has plenty of righteous souls to choose from. He certainly doesn't need me up there. I'd only bring the whole place down. Yes, He saved me, but I say it's high time he kicked me to the curb.

One thing I know I can absolutely do right is the chastity-before-marriage pledge, because nobody wants to date me. I doubt even the Holy Spirit wants to be around me anymore.

I should probably just end my miserable new eternal life once and for all. What would it matter? I bet Jesus is actually dreading Judgment Day because it will mean having to see me.

Then again, maybe the Lord doesn't even know who I am. It wouldn't surprise me. I took Him into my heart over four years ago, and I pray to Him all the time, but I know He'd be hard-pressed to recognize me when—if I'm ever so lucky—we ever come face-to-face. And if He did, I bet He'd pretend He didn't. After all, who would want to be seen walking through the valley of the shadow of death with a schmuck like me?

Each night, after I say my prayers, I just want to crawl under a big homemade quilt embroidered with passages from 1 Corinthians, and die.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close