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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Son, I’ll Always Love You Whether You’re Straight Or A Closeted Gay

There’s something I want to tell you, son. You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to listen for a second, okay? I want you to know that you are the most important person in the world to me and that I will always be there for you. Because I’m your dad, and I’m always going to be. Unconditionally. And whether you’re straight or gay and closeted, I will always, always love you.

You’re my son, no matter what. Whether you love women or repress your homosexuality your entire life makes not the slightest difference to me. Why should it? Why should it matter if you’re straight? Why should it matter if you’re gay but pretending to be straight in every conceivable way? Why should I care who you have feelings for as long as I’m always led to believe it’s a woman? Well, I don’t care. And when the time comes to tell me, I promise I’ll hear you out: If you’re straight, great. But if you’re not, and you tell me you are even though it destroys you inside? That’s just fine, too.

Life’s too short to not be happy with someone special or to not be manufacturing the appearance of happiness with someone you may love on some emotional level but have no possibility of being physically attracted to. And in the end, that’s all I want for you. On your wedding day, I could care less if the bride is the woman you’re marrying because the thought of revealing yourself as gay to me and to society at large is just too terrifying or if she’s the woman of your dreams. As long as she makes you happy or provides sufficient heterosexual cover, I’ll be proud.

Of course, I’m already proud. Straight or gay but living an agonizing lie, that’s not changing.

Your mother’s completely on board with me, by the way. She even told me that you could be gay in such a way that all your homosexual relationships are wholly concealed from us, or you could be straight—she couldn’t care less. You’re still her precious boy. All she wants is a grandchild down the line, and she doesn’t care if it’s from a woman you love or a woman you start a family with because you have to follow through on the straight-male charade, even if it means betraying your wife with a series of clandestine same-sex encounters that make you feel sick and ashamed.

Listen, if there’s ever somebody you want to have over for supper—a special young lady or a female friend who will stand in as a special young lady convincingly enough to throw us off the scent for a while—you never have to worry that it’s going to be awkward. We love you and we respect the decisions you make, whether you like women or go through the motions as a straight man for decades, depriving yourself of intimacy for the sake of appeasing your intolerant parents, who will never know all you threw away just to spare them discomfort. So anytime you want to bring that lucky person over, we’ll always have a seat open at the table.

I’ll even make my lasagna.

To be clear, I don’t actually know what your preference is. All I know is, you can be heterosexual or just pretend to be until I die, and it’s not going to faze me a bit. And maybe you’re still figuring it out. Maybe you’re not 100 percent sure if you’re gay and planning on living in self-imposed exile from your very nature in order to blend in with a culture that is still in many ways hostile toward you and to appease a family that would disown you like a criminal if they knew or if you’re straight. Doesn’t matter to your dad. You are who you are, son, and I love you.

Either way.

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