Son, It's Time We Have A Talk About Where Babies Go

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The First Years

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

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Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

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Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

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First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

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Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

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Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

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Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

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Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

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Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

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Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend...

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...

Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad

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Newborn Soothed By Familiar Sound Of Parents’ Bickering

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Perverted Little Boy Asks To Sleep With Parents

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Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents

PINE BLUFF, AR—Telling their son he should take it easy because he deserves it, the parents of 26-year-old Austin, TX resident Jason Gibney referred to the time he spent visiting his family in Arkansas over the Easter weekend as a vacation, househol...

Dad Announces Plan To Honk When He’s Out Front

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Family

The First Years

Son, It's Time We Have A Talk About Where Babies Go

Now, Xiu, you're getting to be a really big boy, and I know you've been asking a lot of questions about Mommy and why she's been so sad lately. Well, your mom and I have been talking and we think you're finally old enough to learn where babies—where babies go.

No, the stork doesn't take them away, Xiu. Please, son, just listen to Daddy, okay?

Do you remember when Mommy had a big tummy? Yes, you put your ear next to it, that's right. Now, do you also remember around that time, when that letter came in the mail? The one Daddy ripped up and threw all over the ground? And Xiu, a few months after that, do you remember that man—that tall man in the shiny coat? He came to our door and there was all that screaming?

No, he's not where the babies go, either. Not exactly. Please Xiu, just wait a second…. It's a little more complicated than that.

You see, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, but they're being pressured by the People's Republic of China and they have nowhere else to turn, sometimes they will walk miles away to a place where nobody knows who they are, and they'll—wait, no. Hold on. Let's start over. Can Daddy just think for a moment here?

Play with your toys for a bit. Why don't you take out Mr. Bear and Mrs. Giraffe and play with them for a little while? It's all right, Daddy's okay. He just needs to go splash some cold water on his face.

Okay, this might make more sense. You know how sometimes I complain about there being too many toys in your room, and how I say that they're making a mess, and in order to not make such a mess, you might need to throw some of your toys out? Well, China is kind of like that, too. What's that? You're right, I've never told you to throw any of your toys away. Because that would be very mean—yes—you're right. Xiu, my son, please don't cry. None of your toys will have to be thrown out.

Nobody should have to get rid of anything they love.

Maybe Daddy can borrow some of your markers and paper. That might make things easier to explain. First, let's draw your mother. And inside your mother's tummy is a tiny little baby. Look how cute she is! Let's call her Eu-meh, okay? That was your great-great-grandmother's name. Well, inside Mommy there is also something else. There's also this black thing here. That's called "fear." And every time Mommy gets a phone call from the census bureau, or a threatening telegram from the National Population and Family Planning Commission, that black thing keeps growing inside of Mommy. Growing and growing until it's bigger than even little Eu-meh.

No, no, Xiu, Mommy's not going to give birth to the black thing. It was just an example. No, the black thing can't be your little sister. Look, it doesn't work that way. Just forget that I mentioned the black thing at all.

Here, this I think you'll understand. Remember Uncle Jm Leor? He was really smart, and used to teach school at the university, and helped to organize big parades against the government? Remember how after one of his parades we told you that Uncle Jm Leor had to move far, far away? Well, that's where babies go. They have to move far, far way.

I guess in a kind of hotel, yes. It's not the kind of hotel you can visit, Xiu. Because it's already full. It's all full of babies. Listen, I don't know who takes care of them. That's not the point of what I'm trying to…

How can I—you're so young and so ...You know what? It's the stork. The babies go with the stork, Xiu. Giant storks come and take the babies away and that's where they go. Make sense? Good.

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