Son Of Zweibel Strikes Again

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Vol 36 Issue 02

Movie Fails To Deliver Stupidity Promised in Preview

HERMOSA BEACH, CA–A weekend trip to the movies ended in disappointment Saturday, when the new Paramount Pictures comedy Don't Be Cruel failed to deliver the stupidity promised in its preview. "In the commercial, the main guy gets attacked by a chihuahua, hit in the face with a rake, and electrocuted by a toaster, so I thought it was gonna be really stupid," disillusioned moviegoer Vincent Curtis, 20, said. "But then, in the actual movie, there's only like 10 minutes of that kind of retarded stuff." Fellow moviegoer Bobby Williams, 21, agreed. "They totally just put those dumb scenes in the trailer to get you to see the movie, but then when you see it, it's all about how hard it is to find love and stuff," Williams said. "Who wants to see that?" Williams added that it's such total bullshit how they do that.

Area Supervisor Hates To Break Up Little Party

ARLINGTON, TX–With profound regret, departmental supervisor Peter Dunckel forced an informal gathering to disband at Arlington Printing & Design Monday. "I really do hate to break up this little party you've got going here," Dunckel said, "but break's been over for seven minutes. So if you could please get back to your respective workspaces, I'd really appreciate it." It was the seventh such party Dunckel has hated to break up in the past four weeks.

'Greatest Story Ever Told' Has Gimmicky Deus Ex Machina Ending

NEW HAVEN, CT–According to a Yale University literature professor, the tale of Christ's life–the so-called "Greatest Story Ever Told"–is saddled by a lazy, formulaic deus ex machina conclusion. "Talk about slapping on a happy Hollywood ending," Dr. Donald Schmidt said. "The Christ character gets nailed to the cross and dies, and the story seems to end on a complex and tragic note. But then, completely out of nowhere, this magical being comes down from out of the sky and resurrects Him, and all is well. Are we seriously supposed to fall for that? Please." Schmidt said the story's publisher probably forced its author to change the "down" ending out of fear of alienating readers.

Confederate-Flag Controversy

On Jan. 17, more than 47,000 people marched on South Carolina's Statehouse to protest the flying of the Confederate flag over the capitol dome. What do you think about the presence of what many consider an emblem of slavery?

Ask The Cheat Guide To BloodLair

The Cheat Guide To BloodLair is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask The Cheat Guide To BloodLair, appears in more than 250 newspapers.
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Son Of Zweibel Strikes Again

Yesterday morning, Standish brought a letter from my fiancée, Miss Bernadette Fiske. I was so excited to get it, I pissed my swaddling-wraps clean through to the bed-sheets. "Do tell me that Miss Fiske is finally coming to the estate, Standish, and with my baby son in tow!" I cried. "How my heart aches for them so!"

"Sir," Standish said, his mouth taut and face white. "Please once again pardon my opining about your personal affairs, but I must insist that you are the victim of an extortion-swindle. This so-called 'Miss Fiske' has fabricated the existence of an infant Zweibel heir to relieve you of a good deal of money. There are people all over the Republic who have designs for the fortunes of plutocrats, and you must not consider your-self immune to such nefarious machinations. You must believe me, sir, I submit this not for the sake of contrariness, but fully in the spirit of the stead-fast fealty with which I have served you for lo these many years."

With the help of my iron-lung, I heaved a heavy sigh. It was indeed sad to see one of my most loyal servants hold such a childish grudge against my new sweet-heart. Standish has been far more uppity in his demeanor since becoming a plutocrat him-self after winning a government-sanctioned game of chance. He now wears a diamond stud in the middle of his dickey and uses a pungent variety of macassar oil on his hair. All this from a man who one year ago was quite content with his long-time weekly salary of a handful of ha'pennies and a kettle of porridge!

Instead of working my-self into a fury, how-ever, I decided to play it coy.

"You have convinced me, dear, loyal Standish!" I exclaimed. "Entrust this latest missive from that covetous hussy to me, and I shall have my solicitor turn it in to the constabulary! Perhaps blood-hounds can pick up the harlot's scent, trace her to her boudoir, and rip her to pieces!" This news delighted Standish to no end. But I merely pulled the wool over his eyes so he'd shut up. And, to my delight, Miss Fiske included a picture of my son, N. Aeschlyus. What a beautiful boy! He has grown considerably since his December birth. But the Zweibel off-spring have always been precocious little nippers.

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