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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Son Of Zweibel Strikes Again

Yesterday morning, Standish brought a letter from my fiancée, Miss Bernadette Fiske. I was so excited to get it, I pissed my swaddling-wraps clean through to the bed-sheets. "Do tell me that Miss Fiske is finally coming to the estate, Standish, and with my baby son in tow!" I cried. "How my heart aches for them so!"

"Sir," Standish said, his mouth taut and face white. "Please once again pardon my opining about your personal affairs, but I must insist that you are the victim of an extortion-swindle. This so-called 'Miss Fiske' has fabricated the existence of an infant Zweibel heir to relieve you of a good deal of money. There are people all over the Republic who have designs for the fortunes of plutocrats, and you must not consider your-self immune to such nefarious machinations. You must believe me, sir, I submit this not for the sake of contrariness, but fully in the spirit of the stead-fast fealty with which I have served you for lo these many years."

With the help of my iron-lung, I heaved a heavy sigh. It was indeed sad to see one of my most loyal servants hold such a childish grudge against my new sweet-heart. Standish has been far more uppity in his demeanor since becoming a plutocrat him-self after winning a government-sanctioned game of chance. He now wears a diamond stud in the middle of his dickey and uses a pungent variety of macassar oil on his hair. All this from a man who one year ago was quite content with his long-time weekly salary of a handful of ha'pennies and a kettle of porridge!

Instead of working my-self into a fury, how-ever, I decided to play it coy.

"You have convinced me, dear, loyal Standish!" I exclaimed. "Entrust this latest missive from that covetous hussy to me, and I shall have my solicitor turn it in to the constabulary! Perhaps blood-hounds can pick up the harlot's scent, trace her to her boudoir, and rip her to pieces!" This news delighted Standish to no end. But I merely pulled the wool over his eyes so he'd shut up. And, to my delight, Miss Fiske included a picture of my son, N. Aeschlyus. What a beautiful boy! He has grown considerably since his December birth. But the Zweibel off-spring have always been precocious little nippers.

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