Son, You'll Always Remember Your First Time, Because I'm Going To Film It

Top Headlines

After Birth

Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Son, You'll Always Remember Your First Time, Because I'm Going To Film It

I know you've been attending a lot of parties recently. And while you may think your dad is clueless, I'm clued-in enough to realize that pretty soon you're going to start experimenting with sex. Nothing much I can do about it, I realize. But I do want to tell you one thing: No matter how old you get, or how many partners you have, you will always remember your first time. Why? Because I'm going to film it.

I can hardly believe you've grown so fast. It seems like just yesterday I was videotaping your conception.

Well, I'm proud of you. You've come a long way in 16 years, and so has video-recording technology. Today's digital cameras have far better resolution than the one I used just four short years ago to capture the wonder of your body becoming that of a young man's.

This is a big step you're about to make, and your first time should be special. So make sure you share it with the right person. Someone you can trust and feel comfortable with. Like, for example, Judi, from down the street. She seems like she'd be an ideal candidate, if only she were a couple years older. Actually, she's perfect. Let's go with her.

You see, son, I'm determined to get this right. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. The image quality from my first time is very poor. I could barely make out what was going on. It comes off as so awkward and uncomfortable without any close-ups or cutaways. To tell you the truth, as drunk as I was, I'm surprised I even had the camera pointing in the right direction. I want you to have the quality first time that I couldn't. I want a milestone the whole family can enjoy each time I decide to pull out the tape for viewing. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, family movie night, whenever.

There's no need to worry. The first time can be magical. Electrifying, even. When you're in bed with that special someone, your young, taut bodies entwined in pleasure and passion, nothing else in the world matters. Everything around you just fades away. I can't explain it, son. We'll have to watch it a few times before I can put it into words.

Sure, it can also be a bit nerve-racking, what with the boom mike hanging over the bed. But you don't have to worry. I'll be right there, behind the camera, giving you direction. Uncle Gary will be there, too. He'll be in charge of lighting and shooting B-roll. All you have to do is relax and act natural. Just ask your sister. Or better yet, let's watch the tape of her first time. It'll put your mind at ease.

And let's not forget the most important part: protection. I can't stress this enough, so please listen very carefully. Whoever it is you decide to share your first sexual experience with, always be sure you get them to sign the all-purpose waiver relieving us from any and all liability.

I think you're ready now, son. Don't forget what we've talked about. And don't forget that you'll always remember your first time. And your second, third, and fourth times, too.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close