Son, You've Made A Mockery Of Taco Night

Top Headlines

Family

Cheetos

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Originality

Family

Cheetos

Son, You've Made A Mockery Of Taco Night

In 10 years of Taco Night, I've never been so disappointed.

Words cannot describe the pain you have caused your mother and me. What did I do to deserve being treated this way in my own home on such a cherished night? Taco Tuesday, Josh—the one evening we gather as a family, turn off the television, and enjoy beef tacos, together. But you have brought shame on this house, son. Great shame.

Do you want to make a fool out of me?

You used to be such a good boy, content with the taco toppings and serving sizes I provided. But you've changed. The son I raised would never have asked to have chicken instead of taco meat, because that son would have been considerate of the fact that his mother slaved over that ground beef. Slaved, Joshua.

Instead of having a nice, pleasant evening, your sisters have to spend hours comforting your mother, because even after being warned, you still possessed the audacity to complain that when you bite into the top of the taco all you get is lettuce and salsa. Where the hell do you get off? You know Taco Tuesday isn't an anything-goes–type atmosphere. Save that for Frisbee Friday.

What if we had had company? What if they had sat here and watched you blatantly mock your mother's new Tito Chihuahua taco holders? They would have thought that I'd failed as a father. And perhaps they would have been right.

You completely crossed the line when you suggested we try making taco salad. Taco salad on Taco Night? You should be ashamed of yourself. If your grandfather were alive I...I don't even want to think about what he'd say.

Is something going on at school that I don't know about? Are you on drugs? Because you'd have to be to even consider going over my head and putting more than one dollop of sour cream on your taco. In this house, mister, we take one dollop, plop it on the center of the taco, and spread the sour cream with the backs of our spoons.  None of this two- dollop crap.  You know what happens with two dollops? There isn't enough sour cream left for seconds. I know you think you're above the law because the entire world revolves around you, but don't forget, Joshua Michael Becker, you have a family, and they love sour cream just as much as—if not more—than you do.

Your sisters look up to you, Josh. Do you honestly want them to think it's "cool" to want soft shells when everyone else is using hard shells? Yes, I know the shell openings don't have a lot of space between them and they sometimes crack, but you're 16 years old now. Sixteen!

If you want to be treated like an adult, eat your tacos like one.

And by the way, where did all this "let's try cheddar instead of American cheese" BS come from, anyway? Who is filling your head with this crap? Is it that friend of yours, Diego? Well, if you think for one second that I care how Diego does Taco Night at his house then you can think again. If you want to go live with Diego and his parents, who allow beans or guacamole or God knows what on their tacos, be my guest. But as long as you live in my house, you're going to live by my Taco Night rules.

Look, I don't even like tacos. I didn't even know what a taco was until you came home one Tuesday after school and said, "Dad, let's have tacos." I was perfectly fine with Spaghetti Tuesdays. But because we wanted to support you, I got on the Internet and printed a taco recipe for your mother. Now there has to be some give and take here. That's how the world works. What do you think happens in the real world when you mouth off to your boss and try to tell him how to do his job by suggesting the meat not go in first because sometimes the bottoms of the taco shells get soggy and the meat just falls right through? You're gone. Out on the street. Digging for tacos in the Dumpster.

You're my son, Josh. My flesh and blood. Even if you ran out of this house and hopped on a bus to Baja Fresh, I would still love you. I just hope you look back on this someday when you have your own house and your own son, and realize how you broke your old man's heart that one sad, sad Taco Tuesday.

Family Video