Son, You've Made A Mockery Of Taco Night

In This Section

After Birth

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Late Night

Son, You've Made A Mockery Of Taco Night

In 10 years of Taco Night, I've never been so disappointed.

Words cannot describe the pain you have caused your mother and me. What did I do to deserve being treated this way in my own home on such a cherished night? Taco Tuesday, Josh—the one evening we gather as a family, turn off the television, and enjoy beef tacos, together. But you have brought shame on this house, son. Great shame.

Do you want to make a fool out of me?

You used to be such a good boy, content with the taco toppings and serving sizes I provided. But you've changed. The son I raised would never have asked to have chicken instead of taco meat, because that son would have been considerate of the fact that his mother slaved over that ground beef. Slaved, Joshua.

Instead of having a nice, pleasant evening, your sisters have to spend hours comforting your mother, because even after being warned, you still possessed the audacity to complain that when you bite into the top of the taco all you get is lettuce and salsa. Where the hell do you get off? You know Taco Tuesday isn't an anything-goes–type atmosphere. Save that for Frisbee Friday.

What if we had had company? What if they had sat here and watched you blatantly mock your mother's new Tito Chihuahua taco holders? They would have thought that I'd failed as a father. And perhaps they would have been right.

You completely crossed the line when you suggested we try making taco salad. Taco salad on Taco Night? You should be ashamed of yourself. If your grandfather were alive I...I don't even want to think about what he'd say.

Is something going on at school that I don't know about? Are you on drugs? Because you'd have to be to even consider going over my head and putting more than one dollop of sour cream on your taco. In this house, mister, we take one dollop, plop it on the center of the taco, and spread the sour cream with the backs of our spoons.  None of this two- dollop crap.  You know what happens with two dollops? There isn't enough sour cream left for seconds. I know you think you're above the law because the entire world revolves around you, but don't forget, Joshua Michael Becker, you have a family, and they love sour cream just as much as—if not more—than you do.

Your sisters look up to you, Josh. Do you honestly want them to think it's "cool" to want soft shells when everyone else is using hard shells? Yes, I know the shell openings don't have a lot of space between them and they sometimes crack, but you're 16 years old now. Sixteen!

If you want to be treated like an adult, eat your tacos like one.

And by the way, where did all this "let's try cheddar instead of American cheese" BS come from, anyway? Who is filling your head with this crap? Is it that friend of yours, Diego? Well, if you think for one second that I care how Diego does Taco Night at his house then you can think again. If you want to go live with Diego and his parents, who allow beans or guacamole or God knows what on their tacos, be my guest. But as long as you live in my house, you're going to live by my Taco Night rules.

Look, I don't even like tacos. I didn't even know what a taco was until you came home one Tuesday after school and said, "Dad, let's have tacos." I was perfectly fine with Spaghetti Tuesdays. But because we wanted to support you, I got on the Internet and printed a taco recipe for your mother. Now there has to be some give and take here. That's how the world works. What do you think happens in the real world when you mouth off to your boss and try to tell him how to do his job by suggesting the meat not go in first because sometimes the bottoms of the taco shells get soggy and the meat just falls right through? You're gone. Out on the street. Digging for tacos in the Dumpster.

You're my son, Josh. My flesh and blood. Even if you ran out of this house and hopped on a bus to Baja Fresh, I would still love you. I just hope you look back on this someday when you have your own house and your own son, and realize how you broke your old man's heart that one sad, sad Taco Tuesday.

Next Story

After Birth Video