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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Sony Brings Shame To My Profession!

The Japanese do a lot of things better than us Americans, like making cars and preparing sushi. Well, now you can add to that list fabricating bogus movie reviews! It would seem that Sony Pictures couldn't find a real reviewer to say that Tales Of The Knights star Heath Ledger is a red-hot hunk, so they made one up! Why would they do that when I would have been more than happy to go on record saying that Ledger scorches the screen? (He does!) And, as for the movie itself, it's a whale of a tale, not to mention a non-stop thrill ride! There certainly was no need for Sony to resort to deception. It's things like this that hurt the credibility of all the honest entertainment journalists out there.

Is it that time already? The time for blockbuster summer movies? My movie-ometer just hit 110 in the shade, so you'd better believe it's time! So far, we've had some pretty hot flicks. There's Michael Meyers and his troll movie Max Shreck, in which he gets down and digital with Cameron Diaz. Then there's Swordfish, which supposedly has Halle Berry naked from the waist up! Pearl Harbor was a blast, with Matt Damon and Kate Beckinsale smoking up the screen with sizzling good looks and romance. Speaking of lookers, did someone say Angelina Jolie? Sure, her relationship with emaciated redneck Billy Bob Thornton is creepy, but you forget that the second she crashes onto the screen as the sexy, sultry Tomb Robber.

But the good times have just begun on the silver screen. Did somebody say Apes? As in, a whole Planet of them? I certainly did! And then there are the sequels. Rush Hour 2! American Pie 2! Scary Movie 2! Jurassic Park 3! You bet jur-assic that I'll be seeing all of those. Whew! I get exhausted just thinking about it! Look out 2000, because 2001 might just blow you away as the year with the best movies ever.

I'm still waiting for the year's summer song to touch down. Will it come from The Backstreet Boys? Destiny's Child? Eden's Crush? Matchbox 20? The suspense is killing me! I just hope it's not as suggestive as last year's "Song About Thongs" by that little gay black man who prances around and does the cartwheels.

The people at The WB don't seem to know how to let an audience grow. Every Friday, I would park myself in front of the TV for my weekly dose of Tammy Mellow and Sara Rue on the show Popular. But then The WB went and took it away! First Grosse Pointe, now Popular. It seems that every time I start to enjoy a show, those network fatcats yank it out from under me. If this keeps up, I'll have to rely on radio for all my entertainment.

Item! Everyone's "heiling" The Producers! Even me, and I haven't seen it yet! I guess it's easy to get caught up in the mad rush, particularly when the rush is about a musical comedy with Ethan Lane and Ferris Bueller! Rumor has it, none other than Rosie O'Donnell saw it on opening night and gave it rave reviews. Now, that's saying something.

Item! Actor Steve Buscemi was stabbed in the face and neck. I feel pretty bad about this, but I'd feel even worse if I could figure out exactly who he is. I only noticed because the newspaper article said he was with hunk-tor Vince Vaughn when it happened. There was a fight at a bar over a girl, and Mr. Buscemi was stabbed. Vince Vaughn, the more important of the two, was thankfully uninjured.

Also in the Celebrity Crime Beat, tough-guy actor and Little Rascal Robert Blake was involved in a fracas regarding his wife. Well, more of a cold-blooded killing than a fracas. His wife was involved in some pretty shady business, and she was shot, and Blake may have done it. But you know what? I believe that this case should be tried by the courts and not by the media. Sure, I have my opinions, but I don't think this is the proper forum in which to air them. As soon as there are some hard, cold facts for me to pass along, I will.

Sharon Stone's semi-known husband got bitten by a lizard. I swear, this is true. I couldn't make something like this up if I tried.

Item! Perry Como, America's king crooner, is dead at 88. He wasn't as beloved as Ol' Blue Eyes, but he sang his way into the nation's collective heart with songs like "Chicago," "New York, New York" and other songs about cities. He also had a TV show that probably got canceled by network fatcats. They just burn me up. They don't know a diamond from a sack of crap.

Hey, can we please keep the chatter down in theaters, folks? It seems like everyone has to throw in their two cents while they're watching movies. Unless you're Jeffrey Lyons, I don't want to hear it!

Well, that's all the tinseltown dirt I've got to scoop with my golden rumor shovel. Until next time, I'll see you the way I always do, and that is from the Outside!

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