Sorry, I'm Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can't Help Advance My Career

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

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CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Sorry, I'm Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can't Help Advance My Career

Hi, how do you do? I'm Michael. Pleased to meet you. What? We've met three times before? Really! Well, how embarrassing. I'm truly sorry. To be completely honest, when it comes to remembering the names of people who aren't capable of giving my career a boost or exciting me sexually, I'm just hopeless!

I'm drawing a big blank here. Where did we meet? Please, don't take it personally—it's totally all me. I'll forget any ol' face that isn't extremely attractive or at least attached to a hot body. Unless of course it belongs to someone who can give me a leg up in the business world.

You'll have to accept my apologies, but it takes a lot more than unremarkable features and a mid-level position at a firm I've never heard of to jog my memory!

Clearly you're not married to someone important, or your name would at least ring a bell. And wherever we met, you must not have arrived with a friend who was really hot. That also would have made an impression. Hmm…

You must not have brought any drugs, either. Bringing cocaine to a party is always a good way to get me to remember who you are. Definitely puts a blip on the radar screen. Right now, you're gliding by completely undetected.

You really must excuse me for accidentally returning your eye contact this evening and providing you with an opening through which to initiate this conversation.

So, how are you? I don't care.

Even as you're speaking to me, I'm scanning the room to see if there's a person I could more profitably exchange words with. And the odds are pretty good I'll spot someone more important than you.

Speaking of—have you seen Peggy Palmer? I'm sure you'd recognize her if you saw her. Really cute, big tits, vice president of marketing at Cantwell Brothers. Yeah, I met her a while back at one of these parties and was hoping to run into her again, but no such luck.

I take it you don't know Peggy personally? Silly me: If you did, I'd remember your name!

It won't be long before a person who has something to offer me in the realm of social or professional advancement walks into the room, but rest assured, when that happens, I won't just walk away from you like a total dick. I'll say I have to go to the bathroom, or get a drink, and then I'll take great pains to avoid you for the remainder of the night.

I have a shallow sense of manners, after all.

What did you say you did? Teacher. Ah. That right there would explain it. See, I don't have kids, and unless I did, and they were in your class, there would be no way I'd ever recall your name. Even then, I'd only remember it until the end of the school year. Actually, I'd probably have to ask my kid or gorgeous wife every time we had a parent-teacher meeting.

Anyway, good seeing you! I've got to go talk to that guy. I've never met him before, but he's wearing a tie. Who are you again?

That's a nice name. I'll never remember it.