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Sorry, I'm Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can't Help Advance My Career

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Sorry, I'm Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can't Help Advance My Career

Hi, how do you do? I'm Michael. Pleased to meet you. What? We've met three times before? Really! Well, how embarrassing. I'm truly sorry. To be completely honest, when it comes to remembering the names of people who aren't capable of giving my career a boost or exciting me sexually, I'm just hopeless!

I'm drawing a big blank here. Where did we meet? Please, don't take it personally—it's totally all me. I'll forget any ol' face that isn't extremely attractive or at least attached to a hot body. Unless of course it belongs to someone who can give me a leg up in the business world.

You'll have to accept my apologies, but it takes a lot more than unremarkable features and a mid-level position at a firm I've never heard of to jog my memory!

Clearly you're not married to someone important, or your name would at least ring a bell. And wherever we met, you must not have arrived with a friend who was really hot. That also would have made an impression. Hmm…

You must not have brought any drugs, either. Bringing cocaine to a party is always a good way to get me to remember who you are. Definitely puts a blip on the radar screen. Right now, you're gliding by completely undetected.

You really must excuse me for accidentally returning your eye contact this evening and providing you with an opening through which to initiate this conversation.

So, how are you? I don't care.

Even as you're speaking to me, I'm scanning the room to see if there's a person I could more profitably exchange words with. And the odds are pretty good I'll spot someone more important than you.

Speaking of—have you seen Peggy Palmer? I'm sure you'd recognize her if you saw her. Really cute, big tits, vice president of marketing at Cantwell Brothers. Yeah, I met her a while back at one of these parties and was hoping to run into her again, but no such luck.

I take it you don't know Peggy personally? Silly me: If you did, I'd remember your name!

It won't be long before a person who has something to offer me in the realm of social or professional advancement walks into the room, but rest assured, when that happens, I won't just walk away from you like a total dick. I'll say I have to go to the bathroom, or get a drink, and then I'll take great pains to avoid you for the remainder of the night.

I have a shallow sense of manners, after all.

What did you say you did? Teacher. Ah. That right there would explain it. See, I don't have kids, and unless I did, and they were in your class, there would be no way I'd ever recall your name. Even then, I'd only remember it until the end of the school year. Actually, I'd probably have to ask my kid or gorgeous wife every time we had a parent-teacher meeting.

Anyway, good seeing you! I've got to go talk to that guy. I've never met him before, but he's wearing a tie. Who are you again?

That's a nice name. I'll never remember it.

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