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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Sorry, I'm Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can't Help Advance My Career

Hi, how do you do? I'm Michael. Pleased to meet you. What? We've met three times before? Really! Well, how embarrassing. I'm truly sorry. To be completely honest, when it comes to remembering the names of people who aren't capable of giving my career a boost or exciting me sexually, I'm just hopeless!

I'm drawing a big blank here. Where did we meet? Please, don't take it personally—it's totally all me. I'll forget any ol' face that isn't extremely attractive or at least attached to a hot body. Unless of course it belongs to someone who can give me a leg up in the business world.

You'll have to accept my apologies, but it takes a lot more than unremarkable features and a mid-level position at a firm I've never heard of to jog my memory!

Clearly you're not married to someone important, or your name would at least ring a bell. And wherever we met, you must not have arrived with a friend who was really hot. That also would have made an impression. Hmm…

You must not have brought any drugs, either. Bringing cocaine to a party is always a good way to get me to remember who you are. Definitely puts a blip on the radar screen. Right now, you're gliding by completely undetected.

You really must excuse me for accidentally returning your eye contact this evening and providing you with an opening through which to initiate this conversation.

So, how are you? I don't care.

Even as you're speaking to me, I'm scanning the room to see if there's a person I could more profitably exchange words with. And the odds are pretty good I'll spot someone more important than you.

Speaking of—have you seen Peggy Palmer? I'm sure you'd recognize her if you saw her. Really cute, big tits, vice president of marketing at Cantwell Brothers. Yeah, I met her a while back at one of these parties and was hoping to run into her again, but no such luck.

I take it you don't know Peggy personally? Silly me: If you did, I'd remember your name!

It won't be long before a person who has something to offer me in the realm of social or professional advancement walks into the room, but rest assured, when that happens, I won't just walk away from you like a total dick. I'll say I have to go to the bathroom, or get a drink, and then I'll take great pains to avoid you for the remainder of the night.

I have a shallow sense of manners, after all.

What did you say you did? Teacher. Ah. That right there would explain it. See, I don't have kids, and unless I did, and they were in your class, there would be no way I'd ever recall your name. Even then, I'd only remember it until the end of the school year. Actually, I'd probably have to ask my kid or gorgeous wife every time we had a parent-teacher meeting.

Anyway, good seeing you! I've got to go talk to that guy. I've never met him before, but he's wearing a tie. Who are you again?

That's a nice name. I'll never remember it.

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