Sorry, I'm Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can't Help Advance My Career

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Vol 46 Issue 35

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Onion Sports 2010 NFL Team-By-Team Guide

Now that the NFL season is upon us, staying informed is more important than ever. This in-depth Onion Sports guide places all the vital information about this years' teams at your fingertips. Don't watch a single game without this useful tool!

Saints vs. Vikings

As the season kicks off in New Orleans with a rematch of last year's NFC championship game, Onion Sports breaks down the NFL opener:

NFC West

NFC WEST Seattle Seahawks Strengths: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius Weaknesses: Team is in their ninth year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck Intangibles: Billionaire o...

NFC East

NFC EAST New York Giants Strengths: Excellent at believing Eli Manning is a Hall of Fame quarterback; cohesive offensive line understands that blocking begins when ball is snapped Weakness: No one but players able to afford entry into new $1.6 billion st...

NFC South

NFC SOUTH Atlanta Falcons Strength: It's been more than a year since Matt Ryan appeared in a Gillette commercial, so the Gillette commercial curse should have run its course; Black is still a very intimidating color Weakness: Have all the makings of a te...

NFC North

NFC NORTH Vikings Strengths: Showing off his youthful exuberance, 40-year-old Brett Favre is still out there running the media around like a little kid; defensive tackles Kevin and Pat Williams look impressive in their ability to stop all forms of justic...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Sorry, I'm Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can't Help Advance My Career

Hi, how do you do? I'm Michael. Pleased to meet you. What? We've met three times before? Really! Well, how embarrassing. I'm truly sorry. To be completely honest, when it comes to remembering the names of people who aren't capable of giving my career a boost or exciting me sexually, I'm just hopeless!

I'm drawing a big blank here. Where did we meet? Please, don't take it personally—it's totally all me. I'll forget any ol' face that isn't extremely attractive or at least attached to a hot body. Unless of course it belongs to someone who can give me a leg up in the business world.

You'll have to accept my apologies, but it takes a lot more than unremarkable features and a mid-level position at a firm I've never heard of to jog my memory!

Clearly you're not married to someone important, or your name would at least ring a bell. And wherever we met, you must not have arrived with a friend who was really hot. That also would have made an impression. Hmm…

You must not have brought any drugs, either. Bringing cocaine to a party is always a good way to get me to remember who you are. Definitely puts a blip on the radar screen. Right now, you're gliding by completely undetected.

You really must excuse me for accidentally returning your eye contact this evening and providing you with an opening through which to initiate this conversation.

So, how are you? I don't care.

Even as you're speaking to me, I'm scanning the room to see if there's a person I could more profitably exchange words with. And the odds are pretty good I'll spot someone more important than you.

Speaking of—have you seen Peggy Palmer? I'm sure you'd recognize her if you saw her. Really cute, big tits, vice president of marketing at Cantwell Brothers. Yeah, I met her a while back at one of these parties and was hoping to run into her again, but no such luck.

I take it you don't know Peggy personally? Silly me: If you did, I'd remember your name!

It won't be long before a person who has something to offer me in the realm of social or professional advancement walks into the room, but rest assured, when that happens, I won't just walk away from you like a total dick. I'll say I have to go to the bathroom, or get a drink, and then I'll take great pains to avoid you for the remainder of the night.

I have a shallow sense of manners, after all.

What did you say you did? Teacher. Ah. That right there would explain it. See, I don't have kids, and unless I did, and they were in your class, there would be no way I'd ever recall your name. Even then, I'd only remember it until the end of the school year. Actually, I'd probably have to ask my kid or gorgeous wife every time we had a parent-teacher meeting.

Anyway, good seeing you! I've got to go talk to that guy. I've never met him before, but he's wearing a tie. Who are you again?

That's a nice name. I'll never remember it.

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