Springtime Is The Best Time For The Cruise

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Vol 35 Issue 10

Ham Glazed To Dangerously Delicious Levels

PEORIA, IL—The EPA issued a warning Monday to the greater Peoria area regarding the "dangerously delicious" ham being prepared by Cora Daly of Riverside Street. "Mrs. Daly has gone too far in overglazing this already succulent and flavorful ham," the report read. "If emergency de-appetizing measures are not implemented immediately, the ham may reach catastrophically mouth-watering levels of sweet ham-tastic goodness." The report criticized Daly for "willfully and recklessly" adding fresh pineapple slices to the surface of the ham, "ignoring the obvious threat posed to the willpower of area diners."

Woman Ejected From Bed In Cracker-Eating Incident

IRVINE, CA—Citing "insufficient looks," Charles Hausner, 31, threw Amy Glass out of his bed Monday after catching the 27-year-old consuming Saltines. According to Hausner, Glass was not attractive enough to warrant special in-bed cracker-eating privileges. "Had she looked like Claudia Schiffer, I most certainly would have let the transgression slide and allowed her to stay in my bed and get crumbs all over the sheets," Hausner said. "But she doesn't, so I had no choice but to kick her out."

Mourners Unable To Comprehend Last 20 Minutes Of Kubrick's Life

CHILDWICK GREEN, ENGLAND—Mourners at Stanley Kubrick's funeral expressed confusion Friday over the baffling, non-narrative final minutes of the director's life. "I really didn't get it," attendee Ron Blum said of Kubrick's climactic death scene. "I understood the convulsions and heavy sweats, but the whole swirling-colored-lights part of the 'beyond infinity' sequence? It just didn't make sense." Fellow mourner Steven Spielberg said he thought the disorienting editing of the deathbed sequence was meant to represent the chaos inherent in nature, but admitted that he "wasn't positive."

Report: One In Five Americans Currently Holding For The Next Available Representative

PRINCETON, NJ—A study released Monday by Princeton University found that 20 percent of all Americans are currently waiting for the next available representative. "At this moment, some 50 million of us are on hold," study head William Voss told reporters while waiting to talk to a Con Edison operator about an error in his February gas bill. "I myself have been on hold for 13 minutes now." Voss assured Americans that their calls would be answered in the order they were received.

eBay Under Fire

Last week, it was reported that eBay.com, the popular, minimally monitored Internet auction house, is being investigated by the federal government for "possible illegal transactions." What do you think?
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Springtime Is The Best Time For The Cruise

Hola amigos. Whassup? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but a lot of shit's been going down in Anchower Town. First off, I blew a tire. Now, ordinarily, that'd be no big deal, but my spare was flat and I didn't have a jack, so I was going to have to make some heavy financial sacrifices.

Worst part is, all of this happened around the same time my rent was due, so I had to make some hard choices with regard to cash allocation. It goes without saying that between my car and my rent, The Cruise comes first. You'd better believe The Cruise comes first. So I called up my landlord with some bullshit about how I'd be a little late with the rent because I had to send a bunch of money to my mom, who was in the hospital to have a corn removed. Well, the dumbass bought it, hook, line and sinker, and it bought me an extra couple of weeks. Smooth.

To earn the needed extra cash, I got a new job moving furniture for Marv's Furniture Blowout Warehouse. Man, that job blows! Not only do I have a boss ragging on me all the time, but all the people whose furniture I'm moving rag on me all day, too! I tell you, that's two too many people riding my ass. There's only room for one person on my ass, and that person is Jim Anchower.

Worst of all, with all this crap going on, I don't have any quality Jim time to unwind. After a day of hauling furniture and having people tell me I'm messing up their carpet or I let their damn cat out, I'm so wiped, I'm lucky if I have the energy to open even one icy-cold MGD before hitting the sack. And to top it off, once I'm in bed, I can't even get to sleep because of these new neighbor girls who just moved in next door. Now, granted, they're hot, but they crank the crappiest music I've ever heard 24 hours a day!

I swear, that blippy-bleepy techno-dance shit all sounds the same. I'd be happy if there was just one hot Eddie Van Halen lick thrown in there somewhere, but it's all just a bunch of video-game noises. I tried to get Ron to go over there so we could try a little creative retaliation, but he's such a pussy, he just went over and hung out with them. He must've been driving them nuts, 'cause not long after he got there, they turned off the music and made like they were going to bed. Then, about 10 minutes after he took off, the music was back on again, louder than ever. It's good to know that if I ain't getting any, at least Ron ain't getting any, either.

Anyway, I'd like to turn serious here for a minute. Now that the days are getting longer and the weather is getting warmer, I need to speak my mind on the serious issue of cruising. See, when it comes to unwinding, cruising is the best thing in the world. It's like a zen-meditation thing, only instead of sitting in a circle listening to a bunch of baldheaded feebs chanting, you get behind the wheel of your car and let it roll. When you're cruising properly, you become one with the road.

Now, in the past, I've told you all about how to cruise right. Hot car, keep an eye out for cops, a little Zep, a little Grand Funk, vanilla air freshener to cover up any conspicuous odors. All that shit. This time, though, I'm going to warn you about the dangers of cruising wrong.

Now, first off, the worst thing you can do when you're cruising is have an AM radio. All that talk-radio, "I'm so smart, I can solve all your problems" crap is for suits and pricks. (Except for Art Bell. He's cool. Only he's gone now because The Man shut him down.) You can't expect to become one with the road if some loud-mouth jerk is filling your head with all kinds of nonsense. You've got to have an FM radio and, ideally, a decent tape player with some good tapes. None of that truck-stop Kenny Rogers or George Strait shit, either. I mean good tapes.

Second, you gotta have a decent car. Now, if you have a car that's been made in the last 10 years, you simply aren't with the program, my friend. A car's gotta have character, experience and class. And it can't be white, 'cause that looks too much like a cop car. Does it run smooth and quiet? Then do something about it! Punch some holes in the muffler. Put some glass packs on it. Make your presence known.

Third, the age-old question: Windows up or windows down? Some people out there have told me shit like, "Oh, that's up to the individual's preference." The hell it is! Windows down! You've got the good taste to have only the finest in killer rock 'n' roll tunes, so you've got a responsibility to share them with your fellow motorists. The only excuse for having your windows rolled up is if it's raining. And in such instances, you make up for it by doing some fish tails around corners or greasing 'em off at a stop sign. Show people you know how to have a good time.

There are some other things you shouldn't do, but I shouldn't have to tell you everything. Some things are just common sense, like avoiding pigs and not driving when you're too fucked-up. Just remember these pearls of wisdom when the primo cruising weather rolls around in about a month. Oh, yeah, and since spring is coming, I've been getting pretty hot to trot myself. So if you've got any buds with working wheels you could hook me up with, let me know. At this point, I ain't proud.

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