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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Star Wars 4 Is On The Way!

Item! Hold onto your hats, everyone, because this is the Big One. From one of my better sources, who must obviously remain nameless, I've learned that there is going to be another Star Wars movie! Plot details about Star Wars 4 are extremely sketchy, but from what I understand, Luke and Laura have to find a magic potion that was hidden by Boba Fett, Darth Vader's son-in-law, in order to save their home planet from space drug dealers. It's good to know that Steven Spielberg still has the magic touch. Stay tuned for more info. And may The Force be with you and your loved ones!

Only one short month until Titanic comes out on video? Can you stand it? My heart can hardly go on!

Item! It's been one year since the tragic death of Princess Diana, and she's still on the tip of everyone's tongues. The latest rumor making the rounds is that she isn't really dead, but that she and Dondi faked their deaths and cast aside all their worldly possessions in order to live the simple lives of chicken farmers. I pray this is true so they can finally have their peace–and love–together forever.

I am happy to report that since my last column, no one has died! No one famous, at least. Let's keep it up, celebrities, and keep living to entertain!

Item! The phrase on everyone's lips these days seems to be "hair-gel scene," and if you're anything like me (and you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't), you surely want to know why. Well, your old pal Jackie has done some snooping and found the answer. It turns out, there is a very erotic scene involving hair gel in a summer movie. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find out which one. But you know what? If you go see them all, you'll get plenty of Hollywood magic, and you'll come out a winner.

Item! There have been not one but two cinematic political potboilers to hit the silver screen in the past year. Their names, in case you didn't catch them, were Primary Colors and Hang The Dog. The ironic thing is, shortly after these movies came out, there was an actual political scandal in the White House. Another case of life imitating art? You decide, faithful reader.

Soda is refreshing and tasty, but no matter what kind I drink, it tends to give me a bad case of the belches. There's a New Year's resolution in there somewhere!

Whatever happened to sexy Jenny McCarthy's TV show? We have so few quality comedies as it is without losing one more. Bring it back, please!

While we're on the subject of comedies, let's talk dramas. Tops on my list is Party Of Five (or "PO5" as we diehard fans call it). Those Bailey kids face hardship after hardship, but they always remain close as a family. I always call my mom after each episode to tell her how much I love her, so the show has obviously done a lot to bring my own family closer together. I can't wait to see who gets cancer this year!

I would like nothing more than to see world peace spread across the Earth. If only we could convince all those crazed, bloodthirsty terrorists to put down their bombs and love the ones they're with, then maybe, just maybe, that dream could come true.

Well, that's it from my end. I'd like to stay longer, but I have to go dig up some more news from the City Of Dreams so we can meet like this again. If you have any hot tips or questions, or just feel like saying hello, feel free to drop me a line care of this newspaper. All letters will be answered, I promise!

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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