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Star Wars 4 Is On The Way!

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Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
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Star Wars 4 Is On The Way!

Item! Hold onto your hats, everyone, because this is the Big One. From one of my better sources, who must obviously remain nameless, I've learned that there is going to be another Star Wars movie! Plot details about Star Wars 4 are extremely sketchy, but from what I understand, Luke and Laura have to find a magic potion that was hidden by Boba Fett, Darth Vader's son-in-law, in order to save their home planet from space drug dealers. It's good to know that Steven Spielberg still has the magic touch. Stay tuned for more info. And may The Force be with you and your loved ones!

Only one short month until Titanic comes out on video? Can you stand it? My heart can hardly go on!

Item! It's been one year since the tragic death of Princess Diana, and she's still on the tip of everyone's tongues. The latest rumor making the rounds is that she isn't really dead, but that she and Dondi faked their deaths and cast aside all their worldly possessions in order to live the simple lives of chicken farmers. I pray this is true so they can finally have their peace–and love–together forever.

I am happy to report that since my last column, no one has died! No one famous, at least. Let's keep it up, celebrities, and keep living to entertain!

Item! The phrase on everyone's lips these days seems to be "hair-gel scene," and if you're anything like me (and you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't), you surely want to know why. Well, your old pal Jackie has done some snooping and found the answer. It turns out, there is a very erotic scene involving hair gel in a summer movie. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find out which one. But you know what? If you go see them all, you'll get plenty of Hollywood magic, and you'll come out a winner.

Item! There have been not one but two cinematic political potboilers to hit the silver screen in the past year. Their names, in case you didn't catch them, were Primary Colors and Hang The Dog. The ironic thing is, shortly after these movies came out, there was an actual political scandal in the White House. Another case of life imitating art? You decide, faithful reader.

Soda is refreshing and tasty, but no matter what kind I drink, it tends to give me a bad case of the belches. There's a New Year's resolution in there somewhere!

Whatever happened to sexy Jenny McCarthy's TV show? We have so few quality comedies as it is without losing one more. Bring it back, please!

While we're on the subject of comedies, let's talk dramas. Tops on my list is Party Of Five (or "PO5" as we diehard fans call it). Those Bailey kids face hardship after hardship, but they always remain close as a family. I always call my mom after each episode to tell her how much I love her, so the show has obviously done a lot to bring my own family closer together. I can't wait to see who gets cancer this year!

I would like nothing more than to see world peace spread across the Earth. If only we could convince all those crazed, bloodthirsty terrorists to put down their bombs and love the ones they're with, then maybe, just maybe, that dream could come true.

Well, that's it from my end. I'd like to stay longer, but I have to go dig up some more news from the City Of Dreams so we can meet like this again. If you have any hot tips or questions, or just feel like saying hello, feel free to drop me a line care of this newspaper. All letters will be answered, I promise!

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