adBlockCheck

Stay Away From My Granddaughter Cornelia!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Stay Away From My Granddaughter Cornelia!

My granddaughter, Cornelia Josephine Agrippina Zweibel, recently had her coming-out ball, during which she managed to turn quite a few heads. Ever since that magnolia-scented evening, a considerable number of young gentlemen have been paying call to the Zweibel Estate. With ukuleles, portable Victrolas and boxes of sweetmeats in tow, these cheeky swains hope to eventually win Cornelia's lovely hand, much to my great dismay.

A prisoner in my own bedchamber-annex, I have been given very little say in the romantic prospects of Cornelia. This is mainly the doing of my daughter-in-law Irene, Cornelia's mother, a hideous, sperm-whale-shaped woman with all the cunning ruthlessness of a Manchurian warlord.

When Cornelia was still in pigtails I suggested she be betrothed to J. Titian McBrodie, the bachelor steel magnate. But Irene nixed the idea, saying that McBrodie was 64 years older than Cornelia and was dead. Utter nonsense! A May-September romance never hurt anyone. Why, Mrs. Zweibel was 12 when she married me, and they never did prove that her habit of scraping the skin off her body with a file had anything to do with our holy union.

Anyhow, you would not believe the sad specimens that Irene considers eligible escorts for my granddaughter. Most of them are effete college boys who would blow away in a light breeze. One of them, Thad "Bubbles" Bainton, heir to the Bainton soap fortune, bore the fussy, weak-willed demeanor of someone who spent hours in the bath-tub. As he and Cornelia played croquet and ate cucumber sandwiches in the courtyard, I watched from my window in silent fury, wishing that my nurse had not confiscated my musket.

But don't count me out. I did not get where I am by letting some Yalie with tuberculosis best me. I've prevented Cornelia from marrying before, and I'll do it again. Thanks to my vigilance, she's still single at 54 and sits in a high-chair at the dinner-table. So let this be a warning to all would-be suitors: Stay away from my granddaughter, or you'll wear buckshot on your britches!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close