adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
End Of Section
  • More News

Stop Making Movies About My Books

  • On the fourteenth of March, in towns nationwide,
  • In every cinema, multiplex, on every barnside,
  • Gleamed another adapting of one of my books,
  • CGI-ed and digitized by another sly crook.

  • Horton, my favorite—look how he's been treated!
  • Stuffed with tinsels and tassels and promptly excreted!
  • The puns! And the filler! The script fees you must save!
  • While I tumble and grum-humble around in my grave.

  • Did you learn all but squat from The Cat In The Hat?
  • Please tell me you fired the prick who made that.
  • I would have stopped writing, maybe sold Goodyear tires.
  • If I knew one dark day I'd costar with Mike Myers.

  • And Oh!
  • Oh, dear! Oh!
  • My poor Grinch, what they've done!
  • They crammed in live-action and snuffed out all the fun!

  • It's icky, it's tacky, it's awkward, it's wrong.
  • The Whos look like ferrets, it's an hour too long.
  • What a rotten idea to spend millions destroying
  • This masterful tale kids spent decades enjoying!
  • But still you keep making them!
  • Just how do you dare?
  • Sell my life's work off piecemeal
  • To every Tom, Dick, and Har'.

  • Why it's simply an outrage—a crime, you must judge!—
  • To crap on my books with this big-budget sludge.
  • My books are for children to learn ones and twos in,
  • Not commercialous slop for Jim Carrey to ruin.

  • Have you no respect for the gems of your youth?
  • To pervert them on screen from Taiwan to Duluth.
  • Even after you drag my last word through the dirt,
  • I know you, you pirates,
  • You'd cut out my heart for a "Thing 1" T-shirt.
  • For eighty-some years I held you vultures at bay,
  • knowing just how you'd franchise my good name some day.
  • Not yet cold in my grave before you starting shooting
  • the first of my classics you'd acquired for looting.

  • Mrs. Seuss, that old stoofus, began selling more rights
  • to Dreamworks, Universal—any hack in her sights.
  • First The Cat In The Hat and then this, that and Seussical
  • without a thought to be picky, selectish, or choosical.

  • So to Audrey, you whore, you sad sack of a wife:
  • Listen close. Pay attention, for once in your life.
  • You give Fox In Sox to those sharks who made Elf
  • And so help me, I'll rise up and kill you myself.

  • No Sneetches by Sony—
  • No One Fish: On Ice
  • Burn that Hop On Pop II script not one time but twice.
  • Don't sex up my prose with Alyssa Milano…
  • And no Green Eggs And Ham with that one-note Romano!

  • This must stop! This must end! Don't you see what you're doing?
  • You're defiling the work I spent ages accruing.
  • And when it's dried up and you've sucked out your pay
  • There'll be no going back to a simpler day,

  • When your mom would give Horton a voice extra deep,
  • And turn the last page as you drifted to sleep.
  • Instead you'll have boxed sets, shit movies, and… well,
  • You'll have plenty to watch while you're burning in hell.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close