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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Stop Making Movies About My Books

  • On the fourteenth of March, in towns nationwide,
  • In every cinema, multiplex, on every barnside,
  • Gleamed another adapting of one of my books,
  • CGI-ed and digitized by another sly crook.

  • Horton, my favorite—look how he's been treated!
  • Stuffed with tinsels and tassels and promptly excreted!
  • The puns! And the filler! The script fees you must save!
  • While I tumble and grum-humble around in my grave.

  • Did you learn all but squat from The Cat In The Hat?
  • Please tell me you fired the prick who made that.
  • I would have stopped writing, maybe sold Goodyear tires.
  • If I knew one dark day I'd costar with Mike Myers.

  • And Oh!
  • Oh, dear! Oh!
  • My poor Grinch, what they've done!
  • They crammed in live-action and snuffed out all the fun!

  • It's icky, it's tacky, it's awkward, it's wrong.
  • The Whos look like ferrets, it's an hour too long.
  • What a rotten idea to spend millions destroying
  • This masterful tale kids spent decades enjoying!
  • But still you keep making them!
  • Just how do you dare?
  • Sell my life's work off piecemeal
  • To every Tom, Dick, and Har'.

  • Why it's simply an outrage—a crime, you must judge!—
  • To crap on my books with this big-budget sludge.
  • My books are for children to learn ones and twos in,
  • Not commercialous slop for Jim Carrey to ruin.

  • Have you no respect for the gems of your youth?
  • To pervert them on screen from Taiwan to Duluth.
  • Even after you drag my last word through the dirt,
  • I know you, you pirates,
  • You'd cut out my heart for a "Thing 1" T-shirt.
  • For eighty-some years I held you vultures at bay,
  • knowing just how you'd franchise my good name some day.
  • Not yet cold in my grave before you starting shooting
  • the first of my classics you'd acquired for looting.

  • Mrs. Seuss, that old stoofus, began selling more rights
  • to Dreamworks, Universal—any hack in her sights.
  • First The Cat In The Hat and then this, that and Seussical
  • without a thought to be picky, selectish, or choosical.

  • So to Audrey, you whore, you sad sack of a wife:
  • Listen close. Pay attention, for once in your life.
  • You give Fox In Sox to those sharks who made Elf
  • And so help me, I'll rise up and kill you myself.

  • No Sneetches by Sony—
  • No One Fish: On Ice
  • Burn that Hop On Pop II script not one time but twice.
  • Don't sex up my prose with Alyssa Milano…
  • And no Green Eggs And Ham with that one-note Romano!

  • This must stop! This must end! Don't you see what you're doing?
  • You're defiling the work I spent ages accruing.
  • And when it's dried up and you've sucked out your pay
  • There'll be no going back to a simpler day,

  • When your mom would give Horton a voice extra deep,
  • And turn the last page as you drifted to sleep.
  • Instead you'll have boxed sets, shit movies, and… well,
  • You'll have plenty to watch while you're burning in hell.

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