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Stop Making Movies About My Books

  • On the fourteenth of March, in towns nationwide,
  • In every cinema, multiplex, on every barnside,
  • Gleamed another adapting of one of my books,
  • CGI-ed and digitized by another sly crook.

  • Horton, my favorite—look how he's been treated!
  • Stuffed with tinsels and tassels and promptly excreted!
  • The puns! And the filler! The script fees you must save!
  • While I tumble and grum-humble around in my grave.

  • Did you learn all but squat from The Cat In The Hat?
  • Please tell me you fired the prick who made that.
  • I would have stopped writing, maybe sold Goodyear tires.
  • If I knew one dark day I'd costar with Mike Myers.

  • And Oh!
  • Oh, dear! Oh!
  • My poor Grinch, what they've done!
  • They crammed in live-action and snuffed out all the fun!

  • It's icky, it's tacky, it's awkward, it's wrong.
  • The Whos look like ferrets, it's an hour too long.
  • What a rotten idea to spend millions destroying
  • This masterful tale kids spent decades enjoying!
  • But still you keep making them!
  • Just how do you dare?
  • Sell my life's work off piecemeal
  • To every Tom, Dick, and Har'.

  • Why it's simply an outrage—a crime, you must judge!—
  • To crap on my books with this big-budget sludge.
  • My books are for children to learn ones and twos in,
  • Not commercialous slop for Jim Carrey to ruin.

  • Have you no respect for the gems of your youth?
  • To pervert them on screen from Taiwan to Duluth.
  • Even after you drag my last word through the dirt,
  • I know you, you pirates,
  • You'd cut out my heart for a "Thing 1" T-shirt.
  • For eighty-some years I held you vultures at bay,
  • knowing just how you'd franchise my good name some day.
  • Not yet cold in my grave before you starting shooting
  • the first of my classics you'd acquired for looting.

  • Mrs. Seuss, that old stoofus, began selling more rights
  • to Dreamworks, Universal—any hack in her sights.
  • First The Cat In The Hat and then this, that and Seussical
  • without a thought to be picky, selectish, or choosical.

  • So to Audrey, you whore, you sad sack of a wife:
  • Listen close. Pay attention, for once in your life.
  • You give Fox In Sox to those sharks who made Elf
  • And so help me, I'll rise up and kill you myself.

  • No Sneetches by Sony—
  • No One Fish: On Ice
  • Burn that Hop On Pop II script not one time but twice.
  • Don't sex up my prose with Alyssa Milano…
  • And no Green Eggs And Ham with that one-note Romano!

  • This must stop! This must end! Don't you see what you're doing?
  • You're defiling the work I spent ages accruing.
  • And when it's dried up and you've sucked out your pay
  • There'll be no going back to a simpler day,

  • When your mom would give Horton a voice extra deep,
  • And turn the last page as you drifted to sleep.
  • Instead you'll have boxed sets, shit movies, and… well,
  • You'll have plenty to watch while you're burning in hell.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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