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Story-Time For Zweibel

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Story-Time For Zweibel

Not long ago, I mentioned that a nurse with extensive experience in the care of circus freaks had been hired to look after me. When I was first introduced to her, I emitted a loud shriek of terror, for she looks chillingly similar to the Goon character in the Pop-eye comical-strip panels. She is a competent nurse in most respects, though lacking in bed-side manner.

Yesterday, I could stand her coldly efficient manner no longer. "Ahoy there, Pin-head!" I barked, using the affectionate moniker I had coined for her. "My mind craves occupying. Leave my bed-chamber and do not return until you've found a suitable book to read to me!"

I was surprised to see her return scant minutes later, figuring she would spend the duration of the day in my vast library in search of stimulating reading matter.

The book she produced was unlike any in my collection that I could recall. It was small and slender, and its spine was lined with a narrow golden strip. I believe there were also a number of decorations on the strip which faintly resembled flowers and small animals.

Nurse Pin-head sat down and began to read: "'One day, Mr. and Mrs. Bear looked out-side their window. 'What a beautiful day!' said Mr. Bear. 'Let's have a picnic!' said Mrs. Bear.'"

This seemed straight-forward enough to me, albeit rather art-less in its presentation. But then, the narrative took an unorthodox twist. "Mr. and Mrs. Bear and their children, Hotsy and Totsy, got into their pickle car and drove to the park. Can you name the things they saw on their way?" Of course not! It is the task of the book to describe these things to me, not the other way around! Whoever heard of a book trying to solicit its own content from its reader? I said this to Nurse Pin-head, but she merely responded with a disquieting laugh. "It wants you to describe the illustration, sir!" she said, showing me the page from which she had just read. I recoiled in disgust. This was a children's picture-book! Of all the corking indignities!

If not for my quick wits, she would probably be reading me Old Mother Hubbard by now. And if I weren't intimidated by her enormous girth, I would have had her throat cut.

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