adBlockCheck

Survive This Recession? Do I Look Like I'm Madoff Money?

Top Headlines

Recent News

The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Survive This Recession? Do I Look Like I'm Madoff Money?

Folks, times sure have gotten tough, economically speaking. There's no point in splitting hairs here (it'd take too long to find one on this cue ball of mine anyway!), so I'm just going to give it to you straight: We're in a recession. A deep one. Deeper than Dolly Parton's cleavage. Deeper than a poetry reading at the bottom of the ocean. I'm telling you, we're so deep in this recession, I just watched the dollar fall below a dinosaur fossil.

One still buried underground!

Yes, loyal readers, the stock market's been sinking faster than a skydiving Titanic and, surprise, surprise, your old pal Roger's going down with the ship. Yes, I've gotten into quite a spat with Mr. Jones—Mr. Dow Jones—and boy does he hit below the belt. Don't even ask me how my 401-Not-So-OK is doing!

More like I got 401-KO'd!

The stock market. Now there's a laugh. If you ask me, they should call that place the Woodstock market. Why? Because anyone who wants to get in is probably high. On drugs!

I didn't even know I had money in the darn thing until it was already gone. See, my brother-in-law John manages all my money. He's an accountant. Whenever I see him, I always say, "John, there are only two things accountants are good at: fixing numbers." Gets him every time.

What gets me is all this bailout nonsense. Whole thing's an inch shy of robbery, if you ask me. After all, I don't need the government taking money out of my wallet and deciding how to spend it…. That's my wife's job!

And speaking of Rosemary, can someone tell me what happened to women in the workplace? I thought the whole point of the women's lib movement was to get wives out of the kitchen so they could start bringing home the bacon. (Sorry, ladies—the low-fat turkey bacon.) These days, our household sure could use another breadwinner. Heck, I'd settle for an extra muffinwinner—or even just a packet of crackers!

With all the money we're spending on therapy bills and expensive miniature urns, I've got former presidents leaving my wallet like it's the White House on Inauguration Day! Yikes!

Now I know you're all thinking to yourselves, "But Roger, you're a successful syndicated humor columnist. You must see more bills than a cross-eyed duck!" Not so, loyal readers. The comedy world is not exempt from today's economic ills. Tony, my editor, has been breathing down my neck for months to think him up some T-shirt slogans or funny sayings to put on a coffee mug—anything to make an extra buck. Nothing doing. My columns can't be reduced to a snarky one-liner you can slap on a mousepad.

Besides, if I wanted to spend my time filling out T-shirts, I'd become Pamela Anderson!

Who would have guessed that in 17 short years I'd go from almost writing jokes for Billy Crystal to pitching greeting cards to Shoebox for some extra scratch? Seriously, I've seen kamikaze pilots with better career paths! (Look that one up if you have to—it's worth it.)

I suppose I can't complain, though. Writing birthday cards beats digging ditches any day.

Say, that gives me an idea….

What do your birthday and your in-laws have in common?

They both bring you closer to death!

Keep your head up, gang!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close