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Sweetie, As You Get Older, Your Body Becomes More Shameful

Sweetie, it’s time you and I had a very important conversation—a conversation every mother has with her daughter when she gets to be around your age. You’re getting to a point now where you’re going to be experiencing a lot of changes, and I want you to fully understand what’s going on. You see, sweetheart, as you get older, your body starts to become more and more shameful.

This happens to every little girl as she grows up. It’s just a fact of life that your body will soon go through a period of transition and develop into your deepest, most enduring source of self-loathing and disgust.

I know you’re probably pretty nervous and confused by all this. After all, you’re about to enter a new stage in your life, and that can be scary. I just don’t want you to be surprised when you start to notice that certain parts of your body are beginning to grow hair, or changing shape and proportion, or instilling in you a debilitating, all-consuming sense of humiliation. I can assure you, it is absolutely 100 percent normal for your body to cause you intense self-hatred and make you wish with your whole being that every part of you were entirely different. It’s just part of growing up, sweetie.

Now, these things may not happen to you today or tomorrow, but at some point you’re going to look in the mirror and start noticing how deeply, truly ashamed you are.

I guess what I’m saying is that you’re probably going to feel a little self-conscious as your breasts and your hips become bigger and bigger sources of personal contempt and anguish, but that’s just nature’s way of signaling to you that you need to start hiding these things from the world at all costs. Soon, I’ll take you shopping to buy a bra and some new clothes to confine, restrict, and cover up all the parts of yourself that will cause you unrelenting mental torment. That way, you can limit how gross you are—does that sound okay?

There are some other changes you should be ready for, too, honey. One of these days, you’re going to get your period, and you’ll need to start using tampons and pads—something every woman has to deal with, but it will still make you feel like a disgusting, untouchable leper, and like something is deeply wrong with you. And when that day comes, I’ll show you how to slink to the bathroom in shame while hiding a tampon up your sleeve because you’re so overcome with psychological discomfort.

I know it all sounds awful, but all getting your period means is that for a few days each month, you’ll feel even more like a worthless, vile cow than you normally do.

The way you think about boys will change, too, and you’ll start to have urges that are unfamiliar and maybe a little embarrassing, but most importantly, they’re just plain wrong. Look, sweetie, I want you to know that those thoughts are not at all out of the ordinary, and they’re simply the product of your being a filthy deviant—a huge slut, really. And sometimes, you may want to bring these things up and talk about them with someone else, like your friends, which is perfectly normal, but just remember that you shouldn’t because then everyone will know that you’re a sex-crazed whore.

It’s also important that you understand that men are going to start looking at you differently, and that that’s entirely your fault for having the body you have. You’re not a little girl anymore—you’re turning into a full-grown collection of body parts that can be openly criticized or complimented by anyone at any time, irrespective of your wishes or desires. And that’s all on you.

Does that make sense?

But sweetie, you shouldn’t feel alone in this. Every woman—every single one—has gone through this process of become punishingly, bitterly, constantly miserable—even me. And I can tell you that while it can be frightening and difficult, you eventually grow accustomed to your new continuous source of crippling shame. And now, honey, it’s your turn to go through it.

If there’s one thing I’d like you to take away from this little chat, it’s that you shouldn’t compare yourself to your friends or the other girls in your class. Every girl’s body becomes detestable in its own way, and you should feel bad about yours no matter what. Some girls are going to develop into disproportioned monsters faster, while some girls are going to develop into repugnant freaks more slowly, but just remember that all their bodies go through this, and every one of them is hideous and unacceptable in its own way.

Now, these things may not happen to you today or tomorrow, but at some point you’re going to look in the mirror and start noticing how deeply, truly ashamed you are. One day, your hair might seem way too straight or way too curly. Another day, your behind might seem much too big or far too small. And even things you once thought of as totally neutral, like your ankles and your wrists, might begin to seem too thick and beefy—it can literally be any detail of your body at any time, no matter how big or how small. The point is, all of this stuff happens at different ages for different girls, so if you don’t feel completely uncomfortable in your own skin right now, don’t worry—you’ll get there!

And sweetheart, it’s totally natural to have questions. Just remember to never ask them and bury them deep down inside, and I’ll do my best to ignore whatever’s going on with you.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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