adBlockCheck

Swine Flu Season Is Really Flu-ing By!

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Swine Flu Season Is Really Flu-ing By!

Paging Dr. Dudek! Paging Dr. Dudek! You're wanted in the OR to perform an MRI and EKG on REO Speedwagon ASAP! A-OK?

Don't be afraid, my loyal readers. I haven't left the humor-writing biz for the medical profession. (Sure, I have been known to cut folks up and split a few sides…but I've never reached in there and pulled out a kidney!) I'm just getting in the spirit of the season—flu season, that is. That magical time of year when your nose does the running…and you stay in bed! And boy was this year a doozy! (Or should I say flu-zy?)

Last month, the twins caught a nasty case of the influenza, which, as I soon discovered, is not the name of a lovely Spanish girl. They started sneezing and sniffling and coughing and aching and Dopey and Doc and Bashful and all the rest. I took one look at their red noses and watery eyes and knew they had caught the train—the flu-sTrain (flu strain)! Whoo, whoo! All aboard! Making all stops to Chi-cough-go, Feverdelphia, New York Snotty, and Germany!

Figures. I spend the last 12 years trying to teach my girls how to share things, and the first time they do, it's an infectious disease! Why do I even bother?

Now, call me old-fashioned—or better yet, send a telegram!—but I think these kinds of colds are best handled with a cup of warm soup, a good night's sleep, and enough cough syrup to take down a yak. But my wife, Rosemary, has spent the last three months sleeping in the den and watching cable news until the wee hours of the morning, and according to her, the only remedy for the flu is a heaping tablespoon of panic.

Apparently (and I am not making this up) there's been an outbreak of something called swine flu, and Rosemary was convinced our girls had caught it. I asked her, "How could the twins have gotten the swine flu? They're vegetarians!" The last time I was allowed to bring bacon into this house was when the wife and I rented Footloose. I told her the only way I'd get some pork is if I knew someone in Congress. Hey, does swine flu come with a side of barbecue sauce? Because if so, count me in!

Of course, Rosemary always just sighs and leaves the room when I'm being a ham.

Turns out this "Porky Pigfluenza" is spreading faster than Sharon Stone's legs, so my wife decided it would be a good idea to take the girls to the doctor. Seems she thinks we have too much money lying around the house, and only a medical professional can cure that! Oh, my aching wallet.

These doctors, I tell you. They're either crooks, or quacks, or both. Their motto is, "You think you're sick now? Wait until you get the bill!" It ended up costing me $218 to spend an hour in the waiting room and six minutes with the doctor. Can you believe it? Last time I spent that much time and money to see one guy, he was onstage playing with Stills and Nash.

Hey, Doc, maybe while you're checking the girls for signs of curly tails, you can tell me how it's possible that my kids get the swine flu and I'm the one who ends up wallowing. Well, you can stick an apple in my mouth, rotate me on a spit, and serve me at a luau, because I am cooked. Let's just hope this whole mess is covered by my oink-surance (insurance)!

Don't worry. We'll be back for another checkup…when pigs flu!

Of course, the girls just had regular flu, not swine flu. (They probably built up immunity from years of keeping their room like a pigsty!) But before everyone loses their heads—or their snouts—about this e-pork-demic, let me ask you this: Has anyone tried reasoning with the swine flu? Maybe we could talk some sense into it. Just remember to speak its language: pig latin!

Ey-hay, ine-sway u-flay! Y-whay on't-day ou-yay ick-pay on-way omeone-say our-yay own-way ize-say? Icroscopic-may!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close