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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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Swine Flu Season Is Really Flu-ing By!

Paging Dr. Dudek! Paging Dr. Dudek! You're wanted in the OR to perform an MRI and EKG on REO Speedwagon ASAP! A-OK?

Don't be afraid, my loyal readers. I haven't left the humor-writing biz for the medical profession. (Sure, I have been known to cut folks up and split a few sides…but I've never reached in there and pulled out a kidney!) I'm just getting in the spirit of the season—flu season, that is. That magical time of year when your nose does the running…and you stay in bed! And boy was this year a doozy! (Or should I say flu-zy?)

Last month, the twins caught a nasty case of the influenza, which, as I soon discovered, is not the name of a lovely Spanish girl. They started sneezing and sniffling and coughing and aching and Dopey and Doc and Bashful and all the rest. I took one look at their red noses and watery eyes and knew they had caught the train—the flu-sTrain (flu strain)! Whoo, whoo! All aboard! Making all stops to Chi-cough-go, Feverdelphia, New York Snotty, and Germany!

Figures. I spend the last 12 years trying to teach my girls how to share things, and the first time they do, it's an infectious disease! Why do I even bother?

Now, call me old-fashioned—or better yet, send a telegram!—but I think these kinds of colds are best handled with a cup of warm soup, a good night's sleep, and enough cough syrup to take down a yak. But my wife, Rosemary, has spent the last three months sleeping in the den and watching cable news until the wee hours of the morning, and according to her, the only remedy for the flu is a heaping tablespoon of panic.

Apparently (and I am not making this up) there's been an outbreak of something called swine flu, and Rosemary was convinced our girls had caught it. I asked her, "How could the twins have gotten the swine flu? They're vegetarians!" The last time I was allowed to bring bacon into this house was when the wife and I rented Footloose. I told her the only way I'd get some pork is if I knew someone in Congress. Hey, does swine flu come with a side of barbecue sauce? Because if so, count me in!

Of course, Rosemary always just sighs and leaves the room when I'm being a ham.

Turns out this "Porky Pigfluenza" is spreading faster than Sharon Stone's legs, so my wife decided it would be a good idea to take the girls to the doctor. Seems she thinks we have too much money lying around the house, and only a medical professional can cure that! Oh, my aching wallet.

These doctors, I tell you. They're either crooks, or quacks, or both. Their motto is, "You think you're sick now? Wait until you get the bill!" It ended up costing me $218 to spend an hour in the waiting room and six minutes with the doctor. Can you believe it? Last time I spent that much time and money to see one guy, he was onstage playing with Stills and Nash.

Hey, Doc, maybe while you're checking the girls for signs of curly tails, you can tell me how it's possible that my kids get the swine flu and I'm the one who ends up wallowing. Well, you can stick an apple in my mouth, rotate me on a spit, and serve me at a luau, because I am cooked. Let's just hope this whole mess is covered by my oink-surance (insurance)!

Don't worry. We'll be back for another checkup…when pigs flu!

Of course, the girls just had regular flu, not swine flu. (They probably built up immunity from years of keeping their room like a pigsty!) But before everyone loses their heads—or their snouts—about this e-pork-demic, let me ask you this: Has anyone tried reasoning with the swine flu? Maybe we could talk some sense into it. Just remember to speak its language: pig latin!

Ey-hay, ine-sway u-flay! Y-whay on't-day ou-yay ick-pay on-way omeone-say our-yay own-way ize-say? Icroscopic-may!

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