Take This Job And Shove It Following The Customary Two-Week Notification Period

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Vol 41 Issue 10

Mysterious Defibrillator Saves Accident Victim, Disappears

SAN ANTONIO, TX—An unidentified defibrillator saved the life of heart-attack victim Clifford Moore, 67, and vanished without a trace, sources at Goode Company Barbecue reported Monday. "I was headed back for more condiments when I felt a terrible pain in my chest and collapsed," Moore said. "I think I must have passed out, but I remember feeling paddles on my chest and a sudden jolt. I wish that defibrillator would have stuck around... I would've liked to have thanked it." The only trace the phantom defibrillator left behind was a tiny, silver-adhesive-backed conductive pad found below an outdoor bench.

Script Could Use Another Pass, Mom Says

ANSLEY, NE—Persistence Of Vision, a screenplay by aspiring screenwriter James Grunau, "isn't quite ready to shop yet," Grunau's 57-year-old mother Doris told her son over breakfast Monday. "I know you worked really hard, Jimmy, but I think this could use another good punch-up," Grunau said of the 115-page draft. "I just don't think anyone will relate to Donna, and the second act feels flat. You need to raise the emotional stakes." Ms. Grunau then offered her son some butterscotch pudding.

Bar Bet Becomes Increasingly Complex

DETROIT, MI—Onlookers at Schutt's Tavern report that a bet between two customers grew to almost unworkable complexity Monday. "Okay, let's get clear on this," said bartender Tim Alighire, officiating the wager. "If Sin City doesn't suck, Roger has to join Gary's pool team instead of Keith's, but only if Gary gets Troy to join too, in which case Gary has to pay Roger's dues and Roger has to chip in for half of Troy's dues? And Troy... no, Gary gets to decide if the movie is good?" Watching his two customers shake hands, Alighire said he wished that hockey season hadn't been canceled.

The Edge Still Introducing Self As Such

MALIBU, CA—U2 guitarist The Edge, born David Evans, introduces himself by his stage name, sources reported Monday. "He showed up at parent-teacher conferences, extended his hand, and said, 'Hi, I'm Sian's father The Edge,'" said Dory Beckman, a second-grade teacher at Malibu Heights Elementary. "I didn't quite understand, so he said, 'U2's The Edge.' Well, I guess with all the records he's sold, he's entitled to call himself whatever he wants." Employees at Gladstone's 4 Fish restaurant said Evans placed "The Edge" on their waiting list when he took his family out for fried scallops last week.

'Me Decade' Celebrates 35th Year

NEW YORK—The "Me Decade," a period beginning in 1970 and marked by self-awareness and self-fulfillment, celebrated its 35th year Monday. "With careerism, materialism, and general self-involvement as popular as they were was decades ago, the Me Decade may well go on for another 35 years," said historian and Columbia University professor Dr. Vera Conklin. "It's been the longest-running decade in American history, beating the selfless 'Greatest Generation' of the '40s by a good 15 years. Selfishness, it seems, is here to stay." Author Tom Wolfe, who coined the term in his essay "The Me Decade And The Third Great Awakening," was unavailable for comment, as he is working on his memoirs.

Nationwide Headband Trend Traced Back To Area Sophomore

PIERRE, SD—As cotton athletic headbands, the season's hot fashion accessory, continue to appear on trendsetters' foreheads across the nation, the originator of the fad has finally been located: Pierre West High School sophomore Melody Peterson.

New Stop-Smoking Aids

Over-the-counter stop-smoking aids like Nicorette gum and Nicotrol patches are more popular than ever. What are some of the newest prodcuts on the market?

Study: Reality TV, Reality Unfair To Blacks

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Monday by the Center for Media and Social Research, the reality-TV genre is unfairly biased against black people. The study revealed that reality is unfair to blacks, as well.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Take This Job And Shove It Following The Customary Two-Week Notification Period

Listen and listen good, sir. I've had it up to here with the stress, the long hours, and bad pay. I'm a house of cards that's just about to collapse. I tell you, I'm half a month shy of my breaking point. Following my two-week notice as mandated by the terms of my employment, you can take this job and shove it!

At the end of those two weeks, I'm out of here. History. Dust. Gone, never to walk through those doors again. I am going to relish my freedom as much as I will despise the remainder of my time here. I won't be your whipping boy for much longer, so you'd better ask me about my filing system now.

I'm tired of the way you work your employees' fingers to the bone and then reap all the rewards of their hard work. When's the last time you had an idea of your own? Well, I've taken your shit for long enough, and in 11 business days, I'll never have to take it again! You can't treat me like dirt after the 22nd.

Boy, am I gonna let you have it with both barrels in my exit interview.

Reconsider? Absolutely not. I won't stay another minute longer than the 4,800 minutes stipulated by the contract I signed during my orientation session. You can beg all you want, dangle pay raises in front of me, and even hire me an assistant, but it won't change my mind. It will be a cold day in hell when I set foot in this shithole after I'm removed from the employee roster.

Yup, when I walk out that door carrying all the items from my locker, I'm gone for good. So you'd better kiss my sweet ass goodbye sometime between now and Thursday... not this Thursday, but the one after that. Because that day is the last you'll see of me, unless I run into you when I swing by to get my last paycheck.

I don't have anything lined up right now, but I don't even care. This place is poison, and the only antidote is walking away as soon as the terms of my employment allow. If you want the keys, you can come to my office and get them yourself, once I no longer need them to fulfill my job duties. They'll be on the top shelf in the "Mondays make me grumpy" mug along with any pens I got from the supply closet.

Go ahead and tell my coworkers that I'm as good as gone. Or I'll tell them when I see them in the breakroom today. Oh, and that reminds me, I'll have to stop by Human Resources and tell Barbara that I need a COBRA health-insurance form, too.

I've said all I have to say to you, barring any work-related discussions we'll need to have between now and Thursday after next—so farewell and good riddance! If you need to apologize for how you've treated me all these years, I'll be training my replacement.

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