adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Take This Job And Shove It Following The Customary Two-Week Notification Period

Listen and listen good, sir. I've had it up to here with the stress, the long hours, and bad pay. I'm a house of cards that's just about to collapse. I tell you, I'm half a month shy of my breaking point. Following my two-week notice as mandated by the terms of my employment, you can take this job and shove it!

At the end of those two weeks, I'm out of here. History. Dust. Gone, never to walk through those doors again. I am going to relish my freedom as much as I will despise the remainder of my time here. I won't be your whipping boy for much longer, so you'd better ask me about my filing system now.

I'm tired of the way you work your employees' fingers to the bone and then reap all the rewards of their hard work. When's the last time you had an idea of your own? Well, I've taken your shit for long enough, and in 11 business days, I'll never have to take it again! You can't treat me like dirt after the 22nd.

Boy, am I gonna let you have it with both barrels in my exit interview.

Reconsider? Absolutely not. I won't stay another minute longer than the 4,800 minutes stipulated by the contract I signed during my orientation session. You can beg all you want, dangle pay raises in front of me, and even hire me an assistant, but it won't change my mind. It will be a cold day in hell when I set foot in this shithole after I'm removed from the employee roster.

Yup, when I walk out that door carrying all the items from my locker, I'm gone for good. So you'd better kiss my sweet ass goodbye sometime between now and Thursday... not this Thursday, but the one after that. Because that day is the last you'll see of me, unless I run into you when I swing by to get my last paycheck.

I don't have anything lined up right now, but I don't even care. This place is poison, and the only antidote is walking away as soon as the terms of my employment allow. If you want the keys, you can come to my office and get them yourself, once I no longer need them to fulfill my job duties. They'll be on the top shelf in the "Mondays make me grumpy" mug along with any pens I got from the supply closet.

Go ahead and tell my coworkers that I'm as good as gone. Or I'll tell them when I see them in the breakroom today. Oh, and that reminds me, I'll have to stop by Human Resources and tell Barbara that I need a COBRA health-insurance form, too.

I've said all I have to say to you, barring any work-related discussions we'll need to have between now and Thursday after next—so farewell and good riddance! If you need to apologize for how you've treated me all these years, I'll be training my replacement.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close