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Take Time To Talk To Your Child About Whatever Crap They Like

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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Take Time To Talk To Your Child About Whatever Crap They Like

Being a parent isn't easy. If you're anything like me, you know it's hard to find enough hours in the day for working, sleeping, and raising the kids. But leading psychologists agree that taking an active role in your child's burgeoning interests is crucial to their development. So, regardless of how busy your schedule gets, it's important to take an interest in the bullshit your kids care about.

Remember: That stupid crap matters to them, and they need to feel like you give a shit about it.

Kids grow up so fast. Before you know it, they'll be teenagers, and you'll wish you had paid closer attention to the junk they waste your money on. So, while you still have time, strengthen your relationship with your growing son or daughter by making an effort to become engaged in whatever it is they think is so goddamn interesting.

Now, you may be thinking, "But I already bought my daughter a buttload of that Dora the Explorer stuff she's always running off at the mouth about." Believe me, I know. But just purchasing the items necessary to further your child's interests isn't enough. You actually have to sit down and let them go on and on about it for a while.

You'll be building trust and openness in your parent-child relationship, and you might learn the names of some of those lousy brats they hang out with.

And it doesn't have to take that long, thank God. Studies have shown that as little as five minutes a day can go a long way toward conveying your concern about their little hobbies and what have you. As an involved parent, you should make an effort to nod your head every now and then, so your child will know that you care deeply about whatever they're blathering on about—you might even consider saying something as they yak away. You'd be surprised how much monosyllabic grunts like "hrrm" can do to enhance your quality time.

The important thing is to be aware of and talk about all that stuff with the toy trains, and the hiking, and model-making, and the knitting, and the rest of the garbage they spend time doing.

Children are into all kinds of stupid stuff—bird-watching, stamp-collecting, those miniature thingamabobs for dolls—and our role as a nurturer should be to foster their dumbass hobbies. Does your child like dinosaurs? Fine. Dinosaurs it'll have to be. Learn some of those fuckers' names. Quick tip from me to you: Most of them end in "saurus," so you can fake your way along pretty good by just adding that to the end of a word you already know. You could look some of that dinosaur stuff up on the Internet, if you absolutely have to. Then, talk to your child often about these prehistoric things and how they walked the earth millions of years ago, laid eggs, hunted down prey, and kicked it to death with their back legs or whatever it is they did.

Maybe you have a daughter who likes to draw unicorns or elves or some shit like that. Doesn't matter what it is. When she approaches you with her latest picture of a dolphin jumping over a rainbow or whatever, don't just slap that son of a bitch on the refrigerator with a magnet and pat her on the head. Actively tell your little girl you appreciate her unique talents as a developing young lady and, for good measure, tack on some bullshit about how much her little crayon chicken-scratches mean to you.

But that's not all you, as a parent, should do. Ask them if they play any sports yet. That ought to take up some time. On special occasions, maybe even do some shit with them, too. Go to the museum or something. Look at a bunch of that ancient medieval armor. Kids love that warrior nonsense. Or take them to the park and kick a ball around or do some of that other rigamarole they think is so fun.

And for Christ's sake, would it kill you to ask about their schools?

Taking the time to learn about the crap your kids like will not only bring you closer to your children, but will foster a bond that can last well into their teenage years—when you'll really want to know just who the hell those stupid fucks they're hanging out with are, and what the hell they're doing all day and night.† If you set an example by putting up with the boring-ass stuff your child likes doing, the whole family will be better equipped to pay attention to each other's crap in the long run. And that means everyone comes out a grade-A, No. 1, goddamn fucking winner.

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