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Taking Care Of Business

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Taking Care Of Business

After I returned from the Zweibel Estate following several months of wandering in the cruel wilderness, I found that my study was full to bursting with paper-work and correspondence, much of which predated my time in penurious exile. There were multitudes of dunning letters from vulturous creditors who called in their debts upon learning of my misfortune. It seemed that every trades-man in the county, from the black-smith to the chandler, came out of the wood-work to proclaim that T. Herman Zweibel was beholden to them. So, upon the restoration of my fortune, I had my man-servant Standish pay what was owed to these craven bastards, then sent my Swiss Guard out to burn their rude shops to the ground. Now they know who's boss!

I also received many letters of inquiry from readers of The Onion news-paper. For example, several readers queried about the spelling of the surname Zweibel; some even had the galling temerity to insist that it was misspelled and should actually read "Zwiebel."

The truth is, in olden times, the family name was indeed "Zwiebel." When my Prussian great-grand-father, Friedrich Siegfried Zwiebel, came to the English colonies in 1751, he was assailed in the streets by the colonists, who dirtied his waist-coat with offal and ridiculed him viciously. At one point, several rogues, drunk on rum, staged a mock nuptials in which they wed my poor ancestor to a she-beaver they had snared in the woods.

My great-grand-father quickly discerned that the source of this humiliating mockery was his exotic German name, Zwiebel, which proved unwieldy to the English tongue. But instead of wallowing in petulant self-pity, he strived to adopt the customs of the new land he now called home. So he Anglicized his name, changing it from "Zwiebel" to "Zweibel." Soon, the colonists ceased to torment my brave fore-bear, and held him in as much esteem as they would any native of London. The story of the august Zweibel surname is one of courage against adversity, and a lesson from which many of you could learn, instead of fretting about spelling, you pedantic idlers! Shouldn't you all be shoveling coal or some-thing?

I also received an interesting, if some-what perplexing, note from a 13-year-old lad who asked if I "had a clue." I fear I can-not adequately answer, as I am not aware of any immediate clues at hand; but that is not to say there are none present. Perhaps Standish has some spare ones stored away in the pantry.

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