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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Taking Care Of Business

After I returned from the Zweibel Estate following several months of wandering in the cruel wilderness, I found that my study was full to bursting with paper-work and correspondence, much of which predated my time in penurious exile. There were multitudes of dunning letters from vulturous creditors who called in their debts upon learning of my misfortune. It seemed that every trades-man in the county, from the black-smith to the chandler, came out of the wood-work to proclaim that T. Herman Zweibel was beholden to them. So, upon the restoration of my fortune, I had my man-servant Standish pay what was owed to these craven bastards, then sent my Swiss Guard out to burn their rude shops to the ground. Now they know who's boss!

I also received many letters of inquiry from readers of The Onion news-paper. For example, several readers queried about the spelling of the surname Zweibel; some even had the galling temerity to insist that it was misspelled and should actually read "Zwiebel."

The truth is, in olden times, the family name was indeed "Zwiebel." When my Prussian great-grand-father, Friedrich Siegfried Zwiebel, came to the English colonies in 1751, he was assailed in the streets by the colonists, who dirtied his waist-coat with offal and ridiculed him viciously. At one point, several rogues, drunk on rum, staged a mock nuptials in which they wed my poor ancestor to a she-beaver they had snared in the woods.

My great-grand-father quickly discerned that the source of this humiliating mockery was his exotic German name, Zwiebel, which proved unwieldy to the English tongue. But instead of wallowing in petulant self-pity, he strived to adopt the customs of the new land he now called home. So he Anglicized his name, changing it from "Zwiebel" to "Zweibel." Soon, the colonists ceased to torment my brave fore-bear, and held him in as much esteem as they would any native of London. The story of the august Zweibel surname is one of courage against adversity, and a lesson from which many of you could learn, instead of fretting about spelling, you pedantic idlers! Shouldn't you all be shoveling coal or some-thing?

I also received an interesting, if some-what perplexing, note from a 13-year-old lad who asked if I "had a clue." I fear I can-not adequately answer, as I am not aware of any immediate clues at hand; but that is not to say there are none present. Perhaps Standish has some spare ones stored away in the pantry.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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