adBlockCheck

Tell Me Now If You Don't Want To See My Penis

Top Headlines

Recent News

Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage

GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Tell Me Now If You Don't Want To See My Penis

Listen, it's obvious we're having a problem in the communications department. In the future, you've got to tell me what it is you want right away, because otherwise I've got no way of knowing that you don't want to see my penis. I'm a pretty sharp guy, but you can't expect me to know how you're feeling all the time. Unless you tell me, I'm going to just assume that you want to see my penis.

I wish you wouldn't get so angry with me. What am I, a mind reader? How is it I'm supposed to know what you're thinking? I'm no Uri Geller. I'm just a guy with, if I do say so myself, a very nice penis. Hefty. Thick. Purpose-built. Nature's purest expression of form following function. A miracle of evolutionary design. There's no way anyone could look at it and think it's anything but a fine, healthy penis. I know, because out of the literally thousands of people who have seen it, not one of them has mistaken it for anything but a penis.

So please, you've got to be more clear in the future. If you don't want to see it, let me know beforehand, and I'd be happy to accommodate you.

To be honest, though, while I respect your wishes, I really don't see what it is about my penis that you object to. It might not be the biggest penis in the world, but maybe you've just seen more of them than I have, because it's a nice, big penis. Clean, too. No moss or anything on it—I even dip it in Nair twice a week out of consideration for people who want to see it, which is everyone as far as I know. I know this because no one ever comes to me and tells me they don't want to see it until after they've already gotten a good, long look.

If it bothers you that much, perhaps the best solution would be for you to leave the room whenever I'm thinking about taking out my penis, which is, unfortunately, all the time. It'd be a shame, though, because I enjoy the company. I like you, and I like knowing that you get to see my penis. Human beings are social animals, and I'm no exception: Showing my penis is my way of being part of the crowd.

More important, do you think I'd show my penis so much if I wasn't a friendly person? Of course not. I'm not just doing this for myself, though it does give me the warm feeling that comes from sharing. I do this because I want everyone to be my friend. And there's no better way to make friends than by showing people your penis.

All this talking about my penis makes me want to see it right now. Just to look at it, mind you. I'm not going to touch it in any fashion that doesn't relate to letting everyone see it better. That would be sexual, and that's not the point. The point is that everyone should get to see it. Therefore, if I have to raise it up a bit, or otherwise manipulate it so that it's more visible, then that's what I have to do. Of course, if you still don't want to see it, I won't take it out at all, out of respect for your weird neuroses.

I thank you for your time.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close