Tell Me Now If You Don't Want To See My Penis

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Vol 31 Issue 17

Hippocratic Oath Under Review By HMO Board

ATLANTA—The Oath of Hippocrates, a cornerstone of medical ethics for more than 2,000 years, is under review by the board of directors of MedCare, Georgia's leading HMO, it was announced Monday. "It looks good on paper, but frankly, some of the phrases struck us as a bit extreme," said board chair Dr. Forrest Gabler. "For example, 'The health of my patient will be my first consideration.' While it's fine as a concept, when put into actual practice, it creates massive budgetary and liability problems." Another phrase from the oath under review is, "I will practice my profession with conscience and dignity." "That goes without saying, so we'd just as soon not have it in there," Gabler said. Scheduled next for review are the Merck Manual and the Bill of Rights.

Focus Group Reveals: 95 Percent Of Americans Would Like To Go Home

NEW YORK—Extensive focus-group testing results released Monday by the marketing firm of Hayes, Loesser & Falk revealed that an overwhelming 95 percent of Americans are sick of being asked questions and would like to go home as soon as possible. "We were surprised by the results," Hayes, Loesser & Falk vice-president Thomas Mondrian said. "Our focus-group data, designed to capture a representative cross-section of the population, indicates that 19 out of 20 Americans never expected the testing to go on for this long and want us to finish the hell up and let them out of the office." Based upon the new information, Mondrian predicted a major shift in corporate advertising campaigns. "In the future," he said, "you're going to see a lot more products with slogans such as 'Chevrolet: You Can Leave Now' and 'Hormel Chili Is Done Asking You Questions.'"

Clinton Calls For Big Bucks, No Whammys

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton echoed the hopes of a nation in his weekly radio address Sunday, calling for big bucks and no whammys in the U.S. economy. "No whammys, no whammys," Clinton repeated, referring to the mischievous red gremlins who periodically plague the nation's economy, removing all cash reserves from the Federal Treasury. "Give me those big bucks!" Clinton added that while steady, job-based economic growth is what the nation needs most, winning the trip to the Cayman Islands would also be a positive step. Some in Washington, however, criticized Clinton's approach. "The economy is unstable enough as it is," said U.S. Sen. Al D'Amato (R-NY). "The president is truly pressing his luck on this one.

The FDR Memorial

The new Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial, dedicated last Friday in Washington, D.C., has come under fire for not depicting him in a wheelchair. What do you think?

Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat

Petey Paws is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Rogue Smorgasbord Sates Seven

ASHEVILLE, NC—A rogue smorgasbord ran rampant through the streets of Asheville Monday, eluding police and restauranteurs for over nine hours and sating the appetites of at least seven area residents caught in its path.

New Bar To Feature 'Sports' Theme

PITTSBURGH—Area entrepreneur Andrew Wallensky is keeping his fingers crossed after Monday's opening of "Bleachers," a bold new bar centered around the highly conceptual theme of sports. Decorated with helmets, posters and pennants of such Pittsburgh-area teams as the Penguins, Pirates and Steelers, the new bar is designed to attract those who might enjoy drinking and socializing in an atmosphere infused with the spirit of professional athletics. "What I've tried to do here is merge the fields of drinking and sports in a single place, a 'sports-bar,' if you will," Wallensky said. "My future is in God's hands now." For hours after the bar opened, beer-bellied sports fans could be seen tentatively peering into the windows of the strange new establishment, though none were brave enough to step inside.
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Comedy

Tell Me Now If You Don't Want To See My Penis

Listen, it's obvious we're having a problem in the communications department. In the future, you've got to tell me what it is you want right away, because otherwise I've got no way of knowing that you don't want to see my penis. I'm a pretty sharp guy, but you can't expect me to know how you're feeling all the time. Unless you tell me, I'm going to just assume that you want to see my penis.

I wish you wouldn't get so angry with me. What am I, a mind reader? How is it I'm supposed to know what you're thinking? I'm no Uri Geller. I'm just a guy with, if I do say so myself, a very nice penis. Hefty. Thick. Purpose-built. Nature's purest expression of form following function. A miracle of evolutionary design. There's no way anyone could look at it and think it's anything but a fine, healthy penis. I know, because out of the literally thousands of people who have seen it, not one of them has mistaken it for anything but a penis.

So please, you've got to be more clear in the future. If you don't want to see it, let me know beforehand, and I'd be happy to accommodate you.

To be honest, though, while I respect your wishes, I really don't see what it is about my penis that you object to. It might not be the biggest penis in the world, but maybe you've just seen more of them than I have, because it's a nice, big penis. Clean, too. No moss or anything on it—I even dip it in Nair twice a week out of consideration for people who want to see it, which is everyone as far as I know. I know this because no one ever comes to me and tells me they don't want to see it until after they've already gotten a good, long look.

If it bothers you that much, perhaps the best solution would be for you to leave the room whenever I'm thinking about taking out my penis, which is, unfortunately, all the time. It'd be a shame, though, because I enjoy the company. I like you, and I like knowing that you get to see my penis. Human beings are social animals, and I'm no exception: Showing my penis is my way of being part of the crowd.

More important, do you think I'd show my penis so much if I wasn't a friendly person? Of course not. I'm not just doing this for myself, though it does give me the warm feeling that comes from sharing. I do this because I want everyone to be my friend. And there's no better way to make friends than by showing people your penis.

All this talking about my penis makes me want to see it right now. Just to look at it, mind you. I'm not going to touch it in any fashion that doesn't relate to letting everyone see it better. That would be sexual, and that's not the point. The point is that everyone should get to see it. Therefore, if I have to raise it up a bit, or otherwise manipulate it so that it's more visible, then that's what I have to do. Of course, if you still don't want to see it, I won't take it out at all, out of respect for your weird neuroses.

I thank you for your time.

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