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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Test Your Jean-Q

Put on your thinking caps, Jeanketeers, because it's time once again to put your brains to the test with my second-ever Jean Teasdale "Trivia" Challenge! People often read my column to see what sassy, outrageous thing I'll say next. I figure, why not pay tribute to my loyal, careful readers with a "trivia" quiz about things in my life? (I put "trivia" in quotation marks because, to me at least, there's nothing trivial about my life! After all, it's my life, right?)

Now, this time around, I've made it a little easier for you by including some multiple-choice questions. (Heck, if not for multiple-choice questions, I doubt I would have ever graduated high school!) So open those memory banks, people, and no peeking at the answers before you make a guess!

What kind of chocolate don't I like?

This is no trick question, Jeanketeers! Believe it or not, there is chocolate I don't care for. Give up? It's those miniature, foil-wrapped Easter eggs. They have kind of a waxy, oily taste, and rather than melting in your mouth like all good chocolate should, they just leave a bitter coating on your tongue. Although I do have to admit that when I spot a bowl of them, I still eat a handful! I'm weak, I know! A Jewish girl I once worked with told me that chocolate Hanukkah coins taste just as bad, and all I can say is I'm glad I'm a Christian and therefore forbidden to eat them.

In 1985, did I quit, get fired from, or get laid off from Madge's Deep Freeze?

Okay, this is a bit of a trick question, but veteran readers of my column will know that none of these things happened. After working there for three months, I went in one morning, only to find that the place had been padlocked by the sheriff's deputies. Apparently, Madge was involved in some improper financial thing with mafia types and had skipped town, so his place was shut down. (Madge was a guy—don't ask why he was named Madge!) Anyway, I never did get my last paycheck. (By the way, Madge's was the first place in the country to make soft-serve ice cream with crushed Oreos in it. I kid you not! It makes me feel kind of proud to have been there when history was made.)

True or false: I look like Valerie Bertinelli.

True! Or at least it was true in 1981, when my skin was clear, and the bad home perm my stepsister gave me finally fell out, and I had a very nice brunette shag haircut going. In fact, I will always remember 1981 as my Year Of Great Hair. I never could achieve quite the same look again, but I did look like Valerie Bertinelli there for a spell. Of course, I had a few pounds up on her, but in a certain light I really did resemble her. I really did.

True or false: I can bend my right index finger back at the third joint nearly 30 degrees and make it stay like that.

False. That's hubby Rick's talent. (His only talent!) He broke his finger when he was little, and it wasn't set properly. Boy, he's gotten a lot of mileage out of it down at Tacky's Tavern. He gets a lot of pleasure from seeing people freak out. And I think it even hurts him a bit to do it, so obviously, someone's not driving with a full tank of gas there! If I could bend back my finger like that, I wouldn't use the ability to torment people. There's enough ill will in this world.

Which of these three images did I draw?

a)

   

b)

   

c)

   

d) All of the above

The answer is d, all of the above! Bet you didn't know I was a bit of a doodler! The little fellow in the middle is "Mr. Freckles."

Who bullied me in 10th grade?

a) Wendi

b) Shanni

c) Marc

d) None of the above

The answer is a, Wendi. Shanni was a cheerleader who was too stuck-up to speak to me, and, although Marc picked on me about my weight, he moved away at the end of the fall semester.

When I'm very depressed, I...

a) Eat

b) Sleep a lot

c) Wreck things

d) Cut myself

e) All of the above

f) Some of the above

The answer is f, some of the above. Thank goodness that I'm generally a content, upbeat, easygoing person. But I do suffer from the odd spell of deep depression every so often, and when I'm blue, let's just say Domino's pizza places, clean sheets, and household objects—particularly ones that are ceramic or stuffed—are not safe! The one thing I have never done, however, is cut myself. I think that is depraved, not to mention an outright gross thing to do to yourself. I respect my body. And, if I ever did resort to that, I would have the presence of mind to seek psychiatric help right away, which I strongly recommend to anyone doing that to him or herself.

And that's the quiz! You might notice that I did not assign each question a point value this time. There's too much competition in society, and I don't want to create friction and bitterness just because one person scored better than another. To me, every Jeanketeer is a big winner!

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