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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

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Test Your Jean-Q

Put on your thinking caps, Jeanketeers, because it's time once again to put your brains to the test with my second-ever Jean Teasdale "Trivia" Challenge! People often read my column to see what sassy, outrageous thing I'll say next. I figure, why not pay tribute to my loyal, careful readers with a "trivia" quiz about things in my life? (I put "trivia" in quotation marks because, to me at least, there's nothing trivial about my life! After all, it's my life, right?)

Now, this time around, I've made it a little easier for you by including some multiple-choice questions. (Heck, if not for multiple-choice questions, I doubt I would have ever graduated high school!) So open those memory banks, people, and no peeking at the answers before you make a guess!

What kind of chocolate don't I like?

This is no trick question, Jeanketeers! Believe it or not, there is chocolate I don't care for. Give up? It's those miniature, foil-wrapped Easter eggs. They have kind of a waxy, oily taste, and rather than melting in your mouth like all good chocolate should, they just leave a bitter coating on your tongue. Although I do have to admit that when I spot a bowl of them, I still eat a handful! I'm weak, I know! A Jewish girl I once worked with told me that chocolate Hanukkah coins taste just as bad, and all I can say is I'm glad I'm a Christian and therefore forbidden to eat them.

In 1985, did I quit, get fired from, or get laid off from Madge's Deep Freeze?

Okay, this is a bit of a trick question, but veteran readers of my column will know that none of these things happened. After working there for three months, I went in one morning, only to find that the place had been padlocked by the sheriff's deputies. Apparently, Madge was involved in some improper financial thing with mafia types and had skipped town, so his place was shut down. (Madge was a guy—don't ask why he was named Madge!) Anyway, I never did get my last paycheck. (By the way, Madge's was the first place in the country to make soft-serve ice cream with crushed Oreos in it. I kid you not! It makes me feel kind of proud to have been there when history was made.)

True or false: I look like Valerie Bertinelli.

True! Or at least it was true in 1981, when my skin was clear, and the bad home perm my stepsister gave me finally fell out, and I had a very nice brunette shag haircut going. In fact, I will always remember 1981 as my Year Of Great Hair. I never could achieve quite the same look again, but I did look like Valerie Bertinelli there for a spell. Of course, I had a few pounds up on her, but in a certain light I really did resemble her. I really did.

True or false: I can bend my right index finger back at the third joint nearly 30 degrees and make it stay like that.

False. That's hubby Rick's talent. (His only talent!) He broke his finger when he was little, and it wasn't set properly. Boy, he's gotten a lot of mileage out of it down at Tacky's Tavern. He gets a lot of pleasure from seeing people freak out. And I think it even hurts him a bit to do it, so obviously, someone's not driving with a full tank of gas there! If I could bend back my finger like that, I wouldn't use the ability to torment people. There's enough ill will in this world.

Which of these three images did I draw?

a)

   

b)

   

c)

   

d) All of the above

The answer is d, all of the above! Bet you didn't know I was a bit of a doodler! The little fellow in the middle is "Mr. Freckles."

Who bullied me in 10th grade?

a) Wendi

b) Shanni

c) Marc

d) None of the above

The answer is a, Wendi. Shanni was a cheerleader who was too stuck-up to speak to me, and, although Marc picked on me about my weight, he moved away at the end of the fall semester.

When I'm very depressed, I...

a) Eat

b) Sleep a lot

c) Wreck things

d) Cut myself

e) All of the above

f) Some of the above

The answer is f, some of the above. Thank goodness that I'm generally a content, upbeat, easygoing person. But I do suffer from the odd spell of deep depression every so often, and when I'm blue, let's just say Domino's pizza places, clean sheets, and household objects—particularly ones that are ceramic or stuffed—are not safe! The one thing I have never done, however, is cut myself. I think that is depraved, not to mention an outright gross thing to do to yourself. I respect my body. And, if I ever did resort to that, I would have the presence of mind to seek psychiatric help right away, which I strongly recommend to anyone doing that to him or herself.

And that's the quiz! You might notice that I did not assign each question a point value this time. There's too much competition in society, and I don't want to create friction and bitterness just because one person scored better than another. To me, every Jeanketeer is a big winner!

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