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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Thank You For The Article About Cher

I've never written in to a magazine before, but I just had to tell you how thrilled I was when I picked up your Nov. 20 issue and saw who was on the cover. Thank you so much for the wonderful story about Cher! I'm a huge fan, and it's great to see her finally getting the attention she so richly deserves.

Whoever's responsible for putting Cher on the cover deserves a big raise!

Cher isn't just a sexy, sensationally talented diva. (Although she's definitely that!) She's also a survivor. Through more than 30 years in the entertainment business, she's seen it all--the highs and lows, the ups and downs. And through it all, she's held her head high and always come out on top. We can all learn a lesson from her.

As great as your Cher story was, though, the photos were even better! (With a bodacious body like that, how could they not be?) For a longtime Cher fan like me, those pics were a real trip down memory lane. I especially loved the one of her and then-beau Tom Cruise at the 1985 Academy Awards. And the one of her with then-beau Val Kilmer at the premiere of Silkwood wasn't too shabby, either! (Talk about outrageous--whoever designed that dress Cher was wearing forgot to finish it!)

I'm sure some sourpusses will write in and complain about all the cosmetic surgery Cher has had. The fact is, Cher looks great and is a role model for women everywhere. (If you ask me, she's 53 and fabulous!) It's so sad that a lot of people feel threatened by a strong '90s woman who wants to look her best. Besides, Cher is always upfront about it, unlike a number of other stars I could name.

And Cher is still going strong to this day. In fact, she's better than ever. In true Cher style, just when it looked like she was out of the limelight for good, she stormed the pop charts again this year with her biggest song yet, the smash dance hit "Believe." Rather than viewing it as Cher's comeback, I think it proves that she never left!

And thanks, too, for mentioning Cher's greatest role of all: mother. (You thought I was going to say Loretta Castorini in Moonstruck?) Through all her trials and tribulations, she has always been there for Chastity and Elijah Blue. And she has bravely stood by Chastity, regardless of her sexuality. You've got to admire a woman who never loses sight of the fact that family is the most precious gift of all.

I'm also pleased that you did not neglect to mention Cher's passionate work with various wonderful charities. Not only has she worked extensively with the Children's Craniofacial Association (after her triumphant role in Mask brought her close to the subject), but she is an active fundraiser for AIDS research and donates her time to a number of gay-rights groups. Talk about a juggling act! We should all think about Cher the next time we say we don't have time to give to others.

So thank you, thank you, thank you for writing about Cher! Bette Midler, Barbra Streisand, Celine Dion and Diana Ross, you are all incredible, but for my money, the ultimate diva will always be Cher.

Keep up the good work, folks!

Oh, and by the way, what has that hunky George Clooney been up to lately? I haven't heard a thing about him in two weeks!

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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