Thank You For The Article About Cher

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Vol 35 Issue 43

Area Man Mentions That People Have Said He Looks Like Tom Cruise

PEORIA, IL—According to 44-year-old C&G Financial Services actuary Morris Brewer, numerous people have noted that he looks like Tom Cruise. "Yeah, I get the Tom Cruise thing a lot," said Brewer, standing within earshot of C&G office manager Teresa Litt. "A guy just told me that a few weeks ago when I took my car in for repairs. And this woman who lived across the hall from me used to always say it. I think it's the eyes. We both sort of have that stare." Brewer noted that he has also drawn comparisons to David Duchovny, "particularly in the hair."

Parking-Ramp Attendant Moves Slightly

HOUSTON—Parking-ramp attendant Bill Butler was detected making a slight movement Monday, sending shockwaves through the paid-parking industry. "He was sitting in his little booth, inert as usual, when his head turned about two degrees to the right," witness Lydia Ford said. "I thought I was seeing things, but then, about 30 seconds later, he shifted a tiny bit in his seat." Monday's incident is the first reported case of parking-attendant motion since 1983, when a San Diego ticket collector scratched his cheek.

Star Trek Fan Pretty Sure Show Stole His Idea

CHICO, CA—Star Trek fan Les Cordwainer said Monday he is "pretty sure" that the producers of Star Trek: Voyager stole his idea for an episode in which Captain Janeway finds herself growing attracted to First Officer Chakotay and worries about the effect such a romance would have on the smooth running of her ship. "I described a virtually identical scenario last May on alt.tv.star-trek.voyager, saying it would make a great episode," said Cordwainer following the airing of "Star-Crossed," in which the described events occur. "Why do they even pay writers if they're just going to steal their ideas off the Internet? They should be paying me." Responding to charges from fellow Internet users that his idea was for a Janeway-Tom Paris romance, Cordwainer said, "That just shows how they changed my idea around so I can't sue them."

Guitar-Instruction Manual Has Eddie Van Halen On Cover, 'Go Tell Aunt Rhody' Inside

ELIZABETH, NJ—Rock The House In 30 Days, a beginner-level guitar-instruction manual published by Elizabeth-based Learn-2-Play Books, features superstar rocker Eddie Van Halen in the midst of a raging guitar solo on the cover, and such traditional, public-domain songs as "Go Tell Aunt Rhody," "Greensleeves" and "Little Brown Jug" inside. "Get started on your way to playing awesome, brain-frying guitar solos like the master shredders," the cover proclaims. According to music-book collectors, the contents of Rock The House are identical to those of the classic 1943 guitar-instruction manual Strum Gaily The Mel Bay Way.

Driver Rules Out Driver Error In Crash

SPARTANBURG, SC—Driver error has been ruled out as the cause of a Nov. 20 crash that left two injured and caused more than $47,000 in damages, driver Dave Renker announced Monday. "After an exhaustive investigation of this crash, I have come to the definitive conclusion that the light was yellow when I went through that intersection," Renker said of the accident, in which his 1995 Honda Accord broadsided fellow Spartanburg resident Marilyn Cole's 1992 Buick Skylark at the intersection of International Drive and Route 40. "I will continue my probe until the cause of this crash is known. But at this point, we can at least rule out the 'Renker's Fault' theory." Renker said the focus of his investigation will now shift to Cole, whom he suspects may have been in a rush to get somewhere and entered the intersection before the light turned green.

I Got Some Shit To Be Thankful For

Hola amigos. What's goin' down in your part of town? I know it's been a long time, been a long time, been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a whole heap of shit to deal with. First off, the brakes have started to go soft on my car, which really sucks. I gotta pump 'em about eight or ten times to come to a stop, and by then, I'm usually halfway through the intersection. I checked the brake pads, and they seem okay. I'm guessing it's the master cylinder. That's gotta be it... master cylinder. That's gonna be a bitch to fix.

Do The Right Thing

After much careful rumination, I have decided to make public a rather embarrassing matter about my-self. Although I very rarely disclose the particulars of my personal life, I realize that the information I am about to impart would doubt-less find it-self, in a scurrilous and distorted form, in the pages of The Police Gazette and other infamous publications which profit off the misfortune of others, particularly those of great wealth and stature. There-fore, I concluded, I had no choice but to announce the news my-self, so that the truth may be properly conveyed.

Trying Children As Adults

Last week, a Michigan jury convicted a 13-year-old boy of second-degree murder for a crime he committed as an 11-year-old. What do you think of the growing legal trend of trying children as adults?
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Thank You For The Article About Cher

I've never written in to a magazine before, but I just had to tell you how thrilled I was when I picked up your Nov. 20 issue and saw who was on the cover. Thank you so much for the wonderful story about Cher! I'm a huge fan, and it's great to see her finally getting the attention she so richly deserves.

Whoever's responsible for putting Cher on the cover deserves a big raise!

Cher isn't just a sexy, sensationally talented diva. (Although she's definitely that!) She's also a survivor. Through more than 30 years in the entertainment business, she's seen it all--the highs and lows, the ups and downs. And through it all, she's held her head high and always come out on top. We can all learn a lesson from her.

As great as your Cher story was, though, the photos were even better! (With a bodacious body like that, how could they not be?) For a longtime Cher fan like me, those pics were a real trip down memory lane. I especially loved the one of her and then-beau Tom Cruise at the 1985 Academy Awards. And the one of her with then-beau Val Kilmer at the premiere of Silkwood wasn't too shabby, either! (Talk about outrageous--whoever designed that dress Cher was wearing forgot to finish it!)

I'm sure some sourpusses will write in and complain about all the cosmetic surgery Cher has had. The fact is, Cher looks great and is a role model for women everywhere. (If you ask me, she's 53 and fabulous!) It's so sad that a lot of people feel threatened by a strong '90s woman who wants to look her best. Besides, Cher is always upfront about it, unlike a number of other stars I could name.

And Cher is still going strong to this day. In fact, she's better than ever. In true Cher style, just when it looked like she was out of the limelight for good, she stormed the pop charts again this year with her biggest song yet, the smash dance hit "Believe." Rather than viewing it as Cher's comeback, I think it proves that she never left!

And thanks, too, for mentioning Cher's greatest role of all: mother. (You thought I was going to say Loretta Castorini in Moonstruck?) Through all her trials and tribulations, she has always been there for Chastity and Elijah Blue. And she has bravely stood by Chastity, regardless of her sexuality. You've got to admire a woman who never loses sight of the fact that family is the most precious gift of all.

I'm also pleased that you did not neglect to mention Cher's passionate work with various wonderful charities. Not only has she worked extensively with the Children's Craniofacial Association (after her triumphant role in Mask brought her close to the subject), but she is an active fundraiser for AIDS research and donates her time to a number of gay-rights groups. Talk about a juggling act! We should all think about Cher the next time we say we don't have time to give to others.

So thank you, thank you, thank you for writing about Cher! Bette Midler, Barbra Streisand, Celine Dion and Diana Ross, you are all incredible, but for my money, the ultimate diva will always be Cher.

Keep up the good work, folks!

Oh, and by the way, what has that hunky George Clooney been up to lately? I haven't heard a thing about him in two weeks!

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