adBlockCheck

Thanks-giving Day Tidings

Top Headlines

Recent News

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Thanks-giving Day Tidings

Every Thanks-giving Day, the Zweibel clan gathers at the estate to enjoy a magnificent feast of turkey-fowl, listen to the footballing matches upon the wireless-radio, and create a great bonfire out of dead leaves and kerosene-fuel in the court-yard.

This year, however, I will not be permitted to participate in the festivities. Doc McGillicuddy says I will catch my death of croup if I do and that I should remain sealed in my bed-chamber. No gravy-flavored pablum for me! And I was so looking forward to my yearly tradition of playing Squanto in the Zweibel family Thanks-giving Day pageant. In years past, not even my missing fore-arms and near-deafness has prevented me from teaching the Pilgrims to plant corn!

But I suspect Doc McGillicuddy was in no small measure influenced by the wishes of my family, who have no respect for the fact that I am the paterfamilias of the Zweibels, and that, without me, they would not be alive. (With the exception of the bastard D. Manfred, who, as I have mentioned in this space many times before, is the illegitimate result of a torrid union between my late wife and the coal-hauler.)

I suppose I'm still paying for an incident that occurred last Thanks-giving Day. Shortly after dinner, as I was being wheeled through the smoking-parlor, I over-heard some whorishly dressed great-great-great grand-relative of mine say to her rheumy-eyed brat, "That old man in the wheel-chair is one of your ancestors!" Incensed, I barked, "What do I look like to you, George Washington's mother, you slack-teated Gorgon?" Every-one groaned and gasped as though I had just urinated on a church. Before I could add any-thing, a servant came forth and strapped a leather gag over my mouth, and I was shunted away to my bed-chamber.

Despite my grievous treatment at the hands of my ungrateful off-spring, I remain thankful for many, many things. After all, Providence has been very kind to us Zweibels, in big and small ways alike.

Among the things I wish to give thanks unto Lord Our God On High:

Patent-leather spats.

The Gadsden Purchase.

That droll little "Wheezer" fellow in the Our Gang comedies.

Shawls.

And, of course, last but not least, black-strap molasses.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close