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Thanksgiving Won't Be The Same This Year Without A House

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Jack In The Box

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Tips For Handling A Picky Eater

Having a child who refuses to eat most foods can be both frustrating and alarming for parents, but there are ways to work through this phase as a family. Here are The Onion’s tips for handling a picky eater

GMOs: Myth vs. Fact

Consumers have consistently distrusted the use of genetically modified organisms in their food, believing that they make food unsafe for consumption, although a majority of scientific evidence contradicts these views. Here are the common myths associated with GMOs and the facts that refute them

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.
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Jack In The Box

Thanksgiving Won't Be The Same This Year Without A House

I love Thanksgiving. It's always my favorite time of year. A time to surround oneself with friends, family, and four walls to help keep out the cold. Now, I know the fact that we don't have a house might seem especially noticeable around the holiday season, since it's kind of a McCray tradition to spend Thanksgiving indoors, but that's no reason to be ungrateful.

Believe me, I miss living in a residence just as much as the next member of this family. I don't know if it's the warm feeling you get from not being on the street or the sense of comfort that only comes from having shelter from the elements. But the hard truth is, no matter how much we loved our house, the bank isn't going to give it back. So the only thing to do now is try and have the best Thanksgiving we can without it—and if I know this family, that's just what we'll do.

After all, Thanksgiving is not about materialism. We don't need a bunch of expensive store-bought decorations of pilgrims and cornucopias, or even places to hang them. 5-year-old Dylan drew a turkey on the back of a discarded pizza box by tracing his hand with my lipstick. If that doesn't say "This is a McCray Thanksgiving," I don't know what does! We'll show everyone under this highway overpass that this family isn't going to lie around on our newspapers and feel sorry for ourselves.

Isn't family what this season is all about? Looks to me like we're all here—except for Karl, who ran off with that TCBY cashier and abandoned us at a service plaza just off the Ohio Turnpike. But we pulled together and overcame those hardships, and through it all our family has continued to get closer and closer in order to avoid freezing to death by the side of the road. In a way, maybe all this happened to remind us to focus on the things that really matter, like family.

We will always fondly recall sharing the Thanksgiving meal with Grandma, Grandpa, and all of our aunts, uncles, and cousins. We're just going to have to try a little harder to remember this year, because we're dead to them.

Look on the bright side! Who needs a roof over their heads when they're surrounded by such wonderful memories and the good cheer of the holiday season? Just the other day, for instance, I was reminded of the rich crimson color of Aunt Jean's delicious homemade cranberry sauce when I noticed the puddle of blood Dylan was playing in. And now that I don't have to worry about holiday weight gain, I sure would love to find a big heaping spoonful of that sauce in the Dumpster!

I know on Thanksgiving morning it's more likely that the kids will be woken up by the pungent fecal stink of Jittery Ed digging for aluminum cans than the smell of fresh roasted turkey, but we can still have that holiday spirit. Besides, we'll need all our strength to fight off pneumonia!

To your credit, you kids have been handling this with such maturity. I can't believe how quickly you're all growing up! Tyler, just 9, and turning into such a little man—why, you're already smoking and "going with" Jody, the crack whore who crashes near us sometimes.

The one of us I feel sorry for is Karl. He's really missing out on some amazing quality time with Tyler and Dylan, and seeing them grow and change while we wait outside the bagel place for them to take out the trash.

We have so much to be grateful for this year. We may not have a home, but we do have somewhere to huddle and this dead pigeon I saved for you boys to pull apart on Thanksgiving and make wishes on. It could be a lot worse. Some mothers in my situation are forced to sell all of their children into prostitution, just to get by. It's the little things that make you appreciative, like knowing your children were sound asleep when a mentally ill vagrant wearing masking tape shoes raped you.

Maybe we can't get the whole family under any roof, but who knows? We might have the best Thanksgiving yet. In fact, we've already started creating new traditions, like cowering with each other in shadows until that drunk, homeless veteran stops screaming about the smell of burning flesh and passes out.

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