That Enema Just About Killed Me

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Vol 34 Issue 19

Wife Too Busy Videotaping Elk Attack To Save Husband's Life

BANGOR, ME–Investigators are citing "camcorder duty" as a significant factor in the death of Larry Fallon, who was kicked to death by an elk during a hunting trip Monday. "I wish more than anything that I could have grabbed Ken's rifle from the truck and helped him," a grieving Roxanne Fallon said, "but to aim and fire the gun while maintaining focus and properly framing the action would have been impossible." Fallon's death, captured on tape in its entirety, will air Friday, Dec. 18, on Fox's When Animals Attack VII.

FDA Declares Munchos To Be Good Source Of Disodium Guanylate

WASHINGTON, DC–In a report released Monday, the FDA officially recommended Munchos potato crisps as a good source of disodium guanylate. "Consumers who don't get enough disodium guanylate would do well to increase their Muncho intake," the report read. "While a balanced diet that includes three daily servings of Fritos, Funyuns and Andy Capp's Hot Fries provides all the essential additives and preservatives, Munchos are an especially good source of DSG."

Area Man Thinks Girlfriend's Sister Might Be A Little Cuter

CANTON, OH–Local resident Matt Holm expressed fear Monday that Sheri Glass, sister of girlfriend Amanda Glass, might be a bit cuter. "Sheri's got a slightly smaller nose, and her breasts are better," a distressed Holm told a male friend after seeing the two sisters side by side for the first time. "And, even though I haven't seen it, I strongly suspect that her stomach is more toned." Holm has not yet decided whether to break up with Amanda.

Court Takes Custody Of Harley From Unfit Motorcycle Mama

TAMPA, FL–Sheila Mimms lost custody of her 1996 Harley-Davidson FXDL Dyna Low Rider Monday, when a court ruled that the 38-year-old waitress is an unfit motorcycle mama. "Ms. Mimms has shown that she is incapable of caring for a young cycle," judge Leon Orem said. "It is the recommendation of this court that the hog be taken into the custody of the state until it can be placed in the care of a more suitable mama." Among the Mimms transgressions cited: infrequent filter replacement, negligent outdoor storage of the bike and inadequate theft-proofing measures.

Robin Williams Inflicted On Holiday Moviegoers For Eighth Straight Year

HOLLYWOOD, CA–For the eighth consecutive year, holiday moviegoers will be subjected to actor Robin Williams, whose Patch Adams hits theaters nationwide Dec. 25. The new film keeps alive the year-end Williams-infliction streak that began with 1991's Hook and includes such heartwarming family fare as Flubber, Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire and Aladdin. It is not yet known whether Williams plays a doctor or a professor this time.

Prosecuting Pinochet

Spain is seeking to extradite Augusto Pinochet from Britain to stand trial on torture and murder charges dating from his 1973–90 rule of Chile. What do you think about prosecuting world leaders for acts committed while in office?
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That Enema Just About Killed Me

Readers will excuse the haste with which to-day's Message has been composed, as it was submitted scant minutes before dead-line. Not out of personal sloth or weakness of intellect, mind you. I pride my-self on the sublime elegance of my prose-style and the exquisite logic of my opinions. However, thanks to the harrowing malfunctioning of a machine which was intended to efficiently dispense my morning enema, I am forced to write this column at an ungodly hour.

The machine had been invented by my eccentric grand-son, L. Gideon, who is some-what of a tinkerer and enjoys piecing together contraptions in the root-cellar. L. Gideon knew how much I detest enemas, and how I wish them to be as brief as possible. He also desperately wanted to get back into my good graces, as I had never forgiven him for the time his electric scissors ran amok through the estate and cut my bed-clothes into ribbons.

I do not want to get into a detailed explanation of the machine, but it was basically an enema-bulb affixed to the end of a hollowed-out broom-stick, which was in turn attached to an engine. The engine would shoot a blast of air into the tube, forcing the entire contents of the enema into my rectum instantaneously. I thought it was the acme of ingenuity, and I gladly pulled up my night-dress to receive the glorious instrument.

However, when switched on, the machine started to violently rock back and forth and smoke. Instead of receiving an enema, my awaiting rectum was repeatedly pummeled by the rubber bulb, and I was shaken like a rag-doll. This went on for several long minutes as L. Gideon and my nurse frantically tried to subdue the horrible thing.

Oh, the humiliation of it all! The infernal contraption very nearly tore me to bits, and it made me so giddy that I cannot collect my wits. I believe I was intending to use this column to write about Plessy v. Ferguson or some such matter, but I cannot remember for certain. My man-servant Standish suggested that I could liken the failure of the enema-machine to the short-comings of Progress, but I prefer to liken it to the stupidity of my gelatin-headed grand-son.

I must now conclude this column, as the night editor anxiously awaits it. I'll bet the great news-paper editor Horace Greeley never had to contend with an enema-dispensing machine.

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