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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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That Female Looks Capable Of Passing On My Genetic Material

Whoa, mama. Time out. Will you take a look at what just stepped up to the bar? Those hips. Those legs. Those breasts. That is one seriously fine-looking woman. I can think of a few things I could do with a body like that, no doubt. Yes, sir, now there's a female of my species who'd be more than capable of passing on my genetic material.

Are you looking over here, you flirty little thing? Yeah, I see you scoping me out. I see you with that hungry look. One glance and you could tell I'm the type of guy who'd know how to successfully impregnate you, such that both of our phenotypical variations would be represented in a new generation.

That girl cannot be a day over 21: the peak of a female's fertility. She sure is showing indicators of increased estrogen production. Those round, firm breasts, they sure look ready for nursing. And check out the ass on her. Bam! That girl's waist-to-hip ratio must be right around 0.7, optimal for successful birthing, assuring that my offspring would have a greater chance of surviving and, in turn, procreating themselves.

That little miniskirt she's got on certainly doesn't hurt matters, either. It sure shows off those nice long legs of hers. If she were afflicted with some sort of genetic mutation, there's no way she'd be that tall. And even though the light's not too great in this bar, it looks like she's free of any chromosomatic defections. Not only that, I can tell by the way she walks that she's free of diseases, which, if in turn were transferred to our offspring, would limit their ability to remain healthy and compete for food with other members of the species.

Shit, that woman is hot. I mean, just look at those perfectly symmetrical facial features! I've been around the block enough to know that skeletal symmetry is a reliable indicator of health and fertility. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. There ain't an irregularly shortened limb on that chick, that's for sure.

That is a W-O-M-A-N, no doubt about it. No man would have eyebrows with an arch that pronounced. Not only that, her eyes are larger than those of a male, and her nose and jaw are narrower, signaling to me that this is most definitely a woman. And a woman is exactly the kind of homosapien with which I need to mate to assure both extraspecial and interspecial domination.

She's looking at me again. Yeah, she is sizing me up, no doubt. Well, if you're looking for a guy loaded with advantageous genetic traits, you've come to the right place, baby. You're thinking my solid musculature is a reliable indicator that I possess good chromosomatic qualities? You got that right, hon. I am the man to increase your fecundity.

It's time. My adrenaline and testosterone levels are up, and the selected female over there by the bar is showing some serious signs of receptivity. I'm going to walk over there and buy her a drink. Oh, yeah, sugar, that'll show you that I have the resources to assure that our offspring would reach full maturation. Come on, baby, quit fooling around: Let's go back to my place and pass on some genes.

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