That Female Looks Capable Of Passing On My Genetic Material

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

That Female Looks Capable Of Passing On My Genetic Material

Whoa, mama. Time out. Will you take a look at what just stepped up to the bar? Those hips. Those legs. Those breasts. That is one seriously fine-looking woman. I can think of a few things I could do with a body like that, no doubt. Yes, sir, now there's a female of my species who'd be more than capable of passing on my genetic material.

Are you looking over here, you flirty little thing? Yeah, I see you scoping me out. I see you with that hungry look. One glance and you could tell I'm the type of guy who'd know how to successfully impregnate you, such that both of our phenotypical variations would be represented in a new generation.

That girl cannot be a day over 21: the peak of a female's fertility. She sure is showing indicators of increased estrogen production. Those round, firm breasts, they sure look ready for nursing. And check out the ass on her. Bam! That girl's waist-to-hip ratio must be right around 0.7, optimal for successful birthing, assuring that my offspring would have a greater chance of surviving and, in turn, procreating themselves.

That little miniskirt she's got on certainly doesn't hurt matters, either. It sure shows off those nice long legs of hers. If she were afflicted with some sort of genetic mutation, there's no way she'd be that tall. And even though the light's not too great in this bar, it looks like she's free of any chromosomatic defections. Not only that, I can tell by the way she walks that she's free of diseases, which, if in turn were transferred to our offspring, would limit their ability to remain healthy and compete for food with other members of the species.

Shit, that woman is hot. I mean, just look at those perfectly symmetrical facial features! I've been around the block enough to know that skeletal symmetry is a reliable indicator of health and fertility. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. There ain't an irregularly shortened limb on that chick, that's for sure.

That is a W-O-M-A-N, no doubt about it. No man would have eyebrows with an arch that pronounced. Not only that, her eyes are larger than those of a male, and her nose and jaw are narrower, signaling to me that this is most definitely a woman. And a woman is exactly the kind of homosapien with which I need to mate to assure both extraspecial and interspecial domination.

She's looking at me again. Yeah, she is sizing me up, no doubt. Well, if you're looking for a guy loaded with advantageous genetic traits, you've come to the right place, baby. You're thinking my solid musculature is a reliable indicator that I possess good chromosomatic qualities? You got that right, hon. I am the man to increase your fecundity.

It's time. My adrenaline and testosterone levels are up, and the selected female over there by the bar is showing some serious signs of receptivity. I'm going to walk over there and buy her a drink. Oh, yeah, sugar, that'll show you that I have the resources to assure that our offspring would reach full maturation. Come on, baby, quit fooling around: Let's go back to my place and pass on some genes.